the way it will all come together...

today feels like a good one. i woke up late and slow, made coffee, and sat at the kitchen table for a long while just watching the snow fall and peering in on my next-door neighbours. (ah, the intimacy of city-dwellers).

been doing a lot of thinking lately. i still have a lot of time on my hands, but i feel good about it today. if i can make rent in two days and have a bit of cash to spare i'll be happy. isn't that what life should be like? scraping off enough freedom to be happy, and working enough to feel satisfied and stress free? i don't mind working if it fulfills me, but i can't imagine spending the next ten years working full time in the food industry. and i won't.

and for this reason i am liking tutoring; i have found something that makes me feel good and that i think perhaps i am good at. i am helping people to learn and i am getting paid for it. and i'm valued and appreciated, which should not be taken for granted.

and the world around me has had a glow lately. i feel like my perspective, my way of seeing things has changed so much. i still get depressed, i still have terrible days. but i've come to see how precious life is, how fleeting and how marvelous t'is. look outside! it's incredibly beautiful, and so unlikely. on days like this i forget completely why i get so down sometimes.

and i'm finding a community, a staggered disconnected and motley community, but still. there are familiar faces in random spaces, and that is the one thing i have been looking for since i left victoria.

and it can only get better, right?

beauty! beauty!

wow. it is so beautiful out. i've had that glow like being on mushrooms for the whole day, watching everything move slowly, absorbing the stillness that this rare weather brings.

and last night i forced myself to go to a party filled with strangers. and guess what? it was neither terrifying nor terrible. it was, in fact, loads of fun. i met some lovely people, drank a lot of wine and skipped home at four a.m. under the most magical moonlit sparkling snowflakes. yes!

things are looking up.

it's such an enormous thing to walk and to listen

feeling exceptionally happy today. why? is it because two of my favorite people have (finally) returned from their travels and travails? is it because i had a day completely to myself, to walk and to listen? is it because i moved furniture, and acquired a beautiful blue shelf? is it because my apartment (and possibly my life) are becoming slowly but surely cleared of clutter? is it because of the wind that blew in clear skies? is it because of the many cups of coffee and the thought of a creative project? is it because winter has finally come and i can stop dreading its coming and just plain embrace its existence?

i imagine it's a bit of everything.

and it's terribly good to carry water and chop wood

on friday i went out dancin' with pamela and john. discussed some important matters such as couple cute/barf factors and the many categories of sexuality to which one may belong. (i wonder where i stand...?) john seems to have an extensive list, as well as some lovely sound effects and gestures to illustrate his points. pamela got drunk and giggled a lot, and wondered whether people who don't know her talk about her the way that people talk about tippi. ha! i like those kids...

and yesterday morning i woke up after 4 hours of sleep and too many glasses of beer feeling oddly clearheaded. i think perhaps i have realized a few important things:

for one, i realize that i do indeed have lovely friends and that they do indeed keep me grounded, anchored, as much as i try to spin wildly out of control some days.

for two, i realized that victoria is no longer my home. for now? for ever? we shall see, but despite the loneliness i feel strangely comforted returning to vancouver. ah, the mountains, the many views, the greyness and the colors and...well, y'know. other stuff. stuff i try to be wordy about but is really best left inside my head to wallow in its own juices. splish splash.

for three, i realized that life is really an amazing thing. well, maybe that hit me earlier than yesterday, but yesterday morning it seemed exceptionally clear. terrible things happen, and are happening, and will continue to happen forever and ever. but there are so many human beings around, big hairy ones and little goosy ones and everything in between, and it's so exciting. human beings are so great.

for four, i realized that i have changed a lot lately. i think i like these changes, though i think i need to try them out a little longer before i decide for sure. we shall see we shall see.

and to top it off, the new joanna newsom album came out.

woooot.

the victorian era

is it a coincidence that my street and bus route in vancouver are both called 'victoria'?

hmmm... i miss that fair city. spent the last five days on the island, filling my time with friends, music, beer, books... felt strangely normal, as though that were in fact my life, and it is vancouver that is a recurring tangible dream.

and yet... such a big part of me says "kerria! you need the smog, you need the skyscrapers, you need the filth, you need the life, you need the millions of stories that surround you!"

well, something like that. hard to translate your inner voice into words.

but i miss a life i used to lead, and i miss all those people that made my visit so full of love and fun and excitement. perhaps it's just in relation to my rather antisocial and introspective life here, but it was fun and exciting and full of love nonetheless.

well, at some point i plan on finding my community, my niche, my comfort zone. it may take years but i will find it, and for now i'll try to be thankful for this time and space to think, drift, over-analyze, write, go mad and most of all, feel thankful for what i had and have and will have.

and going mad is not so bad, i think...

the small things

my busdriver yesterday was a hipster, young and handsome, with a jaunty black and white checkered scarf slap-dashed over his uniform.

isn't that wonderful?

also, check this out.

oh, the internet...

peel off all your layers

today was quiet, uneventful. i slept late, since insomnia has gripped me fairly regularly for the last month. last night i finally broke down and covered my window with a large cloth in the hopes that the problem was all the light seeping in at all hours. sadly, it didn't fix the problem, but i'm hoping that tonight some tea and dickens will soothe me to deep dark sleep.

spent the day sitting in my new haunt, a coffee shop full of middle aged men and mommies. somehow i like it that way - i feel more anonymous, more inconspicuous. perhaps it's the opposite, but hey, they sell coffee with gold flakes! real gold!

chatted with an interesting man for a long while. he had a lot to say, and he said it very slowly and deliberately. he has lived in vancouver for forty years and seems to know all its secrets, its intricacies, its politicians and street-preachers. he showed me his book of poetry, and he tried to read my journal over my shoulder. ha! i like his style.

and today there was this incredible light, with the clouds sitting just above the horizon and beneath them the sun. and all these trees...oh man, autumn is incredible in this neighborhood, with every house a different color, every street paved with different shades of red, and everything glowing. and my discman singing to my footsteps, thom yorke crooning to me and only me.

if only...

and took the skytrain out to see my grandpa turn 88. he still calls me his 'little redheaded rascal' after all these years.

today was nice.

cityscrapers

a man in his leather jacket calls me mamacita, ''ti quiero mucho, beautiful girl.'' i smile, i let him kiss my hand, he moves on to the next young girl behind me. he moves on like all good things.

a man shouts and prophecises the end, captive bus passengers are the only audience he can find to listen to his ideas. i listen with a grin. i want to get up and hug him.

an old chinese man: shamefully cute in his square thick-rimmed glasses, his pants chin-high. he gesticulates wildly, he grins and laughs, he points. translation: he loves my cheap-o chinatown shoes. i love him too. he pats my shoulder kindly as he leaves.

a lady gets on, loaded down with bags. she sees a familiar face, tells him that her guardian angel sent him to help her. she loads him up with everything, giggling. he is covered in bags.

ah vancouver, you're not so bad.

bicycle dreams

this morning seems to be all about bicycles. i woke up from a dream of riding a unicycle around town, wind in my hair. it was easier than it looks, in my dream. I think i'll have to try it in real life. anyone own a unicycle? got an email this morning about riding bicycles through piles of leaves. and on sunday i rode my bike to tutoring, cold cold wind, leaves blowing around my face, nose running and red. nothing better than that wind-and-bicycle-induced snot, flowing out of control.

so this morning i decided to read about our lovely two wheeled friends. some factoids:

''All the bridges built since the last war over the St. Lawrence River in Quebec have omitted facilities for bicyclists. And the four bridges involved include both those constructed by the government of Canada and the government of Quebec... In Montreal things are actually retrogressing. The hundred year old Victoria Bridge was renovated to eliminate sidewalks in favour of two additional car lanes. In Philadelphia, no less than four bridges crossing the Delaware river have no bicycle access. One such bridge is named after Walt Whitman, author of the Open Road. ''

''The most spectacular do it yourself cycleroute was built in the summer of 79 between bristol and bath in England. George Platts, chariperson of bristol's cycling organization writes: 'We have achieved a number of firsts, including the construction of a five mil stretch of inter-urban cycle and footpath in ten weeks using volunteer labour and raising the 5000 pound material cost ourselves.''

''The bicycle was recognised by nineteenth-century feminists and suffragists as a "freedom machine" for women. American Susan B. Anthony said: "Let me tell you what I think of bicycling. I think it has done more to emancipate women than anything else in the world. It gives women a feeling of freedom and self-reliance. I stand and rejoice every time I see a woman ride by on a wheel...the picture of free, untrammeled womanhood."

and the best one of all: ''Sociologists suggest that bicycles enlarged the gene pool for rural workers, by enabling them to easily reach the next town and increase their courting radius.''

think of where we'd be without bicycles...

my favorite memories from asia are those lazy afternoons when i would rent a bike for pennies and take off. oh, those lovely hundred-pound one speeders that would take me sweating along flat open rice fields, past waving kiddies, cute as buttons.

someone must force Harmony to ride a bike. it's so made for her.
stubborn girl.

for paula

it is the kind of autumn day today
that i am told you loved
cold blue sky and every street a different colored carpet

it is my favorite time of year too
despite the sadness that change brings
this year more than ever
as meg says, autumn will always now
be colored by your death;
among the fallen leaves, your face

i'm trying to look after her
but i'm not so strong these days

i keep thinking of your face at
every choir concert of my childhood
teary and streaked with pride as we
sang our little hearts out
and i feel so lucky to have known you and
your generous love

your faith in me astounds me when i look back

i remember the importance of your weeping
as i was leaving everything behind last winter for the unknown
i was terrified and sad
and when i saw your tears it touched me more than you could have realized
and stays with me

and somehow i'm glad that autumn will forever be your season
when the trees weep for love and change

art school

emanuel is scary.

also, i like douglas coupland.

''To this day, if friends with kids in trouble ask for advice i tell them send the
kids to art school. a few times the advice has been taken, and it's always
worked out well. art, you are my jackhammer. art, you are my bulldozer.''

i also like art. i wish i stuck it out at art school. then i could have a handy tool and a piece of heavy machinery to help me through the trials and tribulations of unemployment and mopey-ness. sadly, all i have now is a degree in art history.

stupid, stupid...

well, i guess i can still make art, as scary as it is. stupid ego.

check it out. it's werner. and his shoe. bon appetit.

also, i seem to be spending far too much time on the internet since i started updating this blog. why must the internet be so infinitely interesting? i can look at the same site ten times a day and it could be different every time! that is amazing.

i need some more friends in vancouver...

harpie

in light of my ticket to see miss newsom, wikipedia says:

''Her songwriting incorporates elements of indie pop, Appalachian music, avant-garde modernism, African harp rhythms and a sensibility that some listeners describe as quirky. Many are struck by Newsom's unusual voice, child-like and weathered (at least one critic has compared it to Lisa Simpson's).''

she is so weirdly hot.

iron your carefully crafted disguise

cold and very october-esque today. the sun shines but you can see the cold hovering in the air. the sky is not quite that summer blue these days...

hmm. quit my job, got a new one. a bit more stressful but it comes with tips and free food. so.

somehow missed two parties this weekend; once for too many beers and good conversation, the second for a warm bed. so much for making new friends...

been doing a lot of over-thinking lately. it's making me self-absorbed and mopey. and i think it's time to suck it up and start appreciating all the good things in my life. i have such good friends, and even if most of you guys are a bit far away it really helps that you exist.

so, uh, i appreciate it.

i dunno. today is a bit confusing.

wage slavery,

well

first day at my "new job", if you can call it that. an hour in and i was already plotting my escape. i've realized today that as much as i may try i absolutely cannot go back to customer service minimum wage slavery... i already feel murderous and i've worked four hours.

ugh.

what will sustain us through the winter...

the clouds have come rolling in again, and does this mean that winter has rolled in for good? not sure how i will make it through the dark season, not sure exactly how things are going to come together. still no job, still no purpose, still lost in between worlds. i think all that time wandering aimlessly through different realities has left me stunted in a way - unable to settle into one soldid space and stay there. unable to feel that this is home, that this will last. and maybe it isn't home - so far it certainly doesn't feel like it.

this morning i got a flat tire, and somehow was rescued by a lady who brought me into her basement and shazam, a bike shop. more money spent, still no money made. damn.

when will things start coming together here? i miss community; it's been almost a year since i was nestled into a warm world of friends.

but i guess i just have to hold on, keep trying, keep working to make it happen.

werner herzog eats his shoe

says allmovie.com:

While he was struggling to complete his first feature-length film, documentarian Errol Morris was discussing his problems with his friend and mentor, the acclaimed German director Werner Herzog. In a moment of frustration, Herzog blurted out that if Morris ever actually finished the movie he kept talking about, he'd eat his shoe. In 1977, Morris finally completed his feature, Gates of Heaven, and he contacted Herzog to tell him that after several well received screenings at film festivals, the premier showing had been scheduled. Herzog, a man of his word, flew to the United States and cooked his shoe, eating it on-stage at the screening. Les Blank, a good friend of both filmmakers, captured the event on film for posterity, and Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe offers a witty look at how to cook a shoe, Herzog's history of keeping unusual promises, his views on the relationship between cuisine and cinema, and the movie by Morris that made the event possible.

we all live here...

hmmm...the fog has settled. winter is nigh, and i'm realizing this is the first time in a long time we've seen this kind of weather. i've spent the last ten months or so under (seemingly) eternal blue skies, and i must say i was getting a bit sick of them. this is so much more the b.c. i see in my mind.

so, me and natalie are having an ongoing debate of sorts (see: tales of mystery). but the funny thing is that i think we are arguing the same point with different arguments. we both feel frustrated with the state of things, and we both realise that there are no answers or straightforward solutions. i think that we both feel anger towards something abstract, which gives this real sense of helplessness...

i think two months back in north america has put me almost back where i began, with perhaps my eyes a bit more open. but i've realised that i've almost forgotten what it feels like to be surrounded by all these people who envy me, who desire something from me, who see me as living some ideal life they wish to emulate. i've almost forgotten how it feels to wake up to that every day, and to be unable to communicate the imperfections of my lifestyle. "well, i don't make that much money..." and yet there i was halfway across the world living off my savings for 7 months. hmmmm...

and yet almost every day i ride the bus through the downtown east side, watching out the window and understanding nothing of their experience. watching just as i watched in asia: as a priviledged outsider who can hop the next bus...

and what exactly do you do about this? what can you do, what should you do? do you give a few coins? do you make art? do you write angry letters? do you protest? and to whom? to the government, to the rich, or to the idea of poverty itself?

me, glorious me!

look, it's me. maybe if i put photos people will get excited and read my blog more. i should be in advertising.

also, i have more photos! on flickr! and if you want to see them slowly move your eyes to the right and you will see a beautiful link. i figured out how to make links and publish photos in the same week!

i'm a genius.

if you want to sing out, sing out...

well, what to say. ive been trying to figure out exactly what a blog entails; it is neither journal nor email. it is a new enigma created by the cyberworld. and what exactly do i want to say here, and who exactly am i trying to say it to. is this an advertisement for my good spelling, my ability to express myself, or is it merely a place to purge my emotions and opinions with the added benefit of an audience...

oh me oh my.

well.

ive had a bit of a crazy ride lately. trying to figure out so many things: how to live the life i want, how to start over, how to leave everyone behind, return to them and leave them behind again. and whats important to me, and what is not.
trying to deal with personal angst, with selfishness. trying to juggle my own struggle with unexpected grief, with the grief of those i love. trying to find a balance between necessary selfishness and unnecessary self-absorption. trying to deal with this sudden fear of death that leaves me each night staring through the dark, clutching at wakefulness for fear of losing everything. and the fear of losing others grips me too, a fear that is grounded in reality.

trying to start a new life. falling in love with this city and its surprises. i keep getting lost in the view on my way to the loo. at night it makes me feel like im in a spaceship looking down at some science fiction city full of flying cars and floating skyscrapers.

just finished reading 'harold and maude'. it was like watching the movie in subtitles, minus the cat stevens. it was the perfect book for the state i'm in. L-I-V-E LIVE! coming through sadness and loss with a new appreciation for how precious, how joyful life is. being human, feeling human. being thankful for each day of life, but accepting death as part of everything. a fine balance...

i still don't know what this blog is for.