a sense of place

So. went to a crazy party on saturday; three hundred people crammed into three stories of warehouse-art-show-extraordinaire, where there was little breathing space and a myriad of great outfits. in other words, it was incredibly intimidating. it is a well-known fact that i fear social situations, and social situations incorporating art and artists are by far the most terrifying. but i survived with the help of two tiny adorable friends, a lot of whisky, a tall dark and handsome doctor and an occasional squeeze on the bottom from some hyperactive social creature that i'm "not dating". so i survived and actually managed to enjoy myself, if just barely.

and once again i ask myself - why am i here rather than there? there is something about this city that overwhelms me. something about its scale, its social problems, its constant layer of dampness, its grey rain grey concrete grey skies, and the bouts of utter callousness that i encounter from time to time. of course most of these things exist in victoria, and if they don't it is not because victoria is this idyllic land but rather because victoria has different problems relating to a smaller-scale whitewashed capital city.

but there was something so hopeful and exciting about the show on saturday. something about realizing that there truly is this bubbling art community in victoria, that there is a big group of people working together and creating something really great. and this relates to something i miss deeply about victoria-that ability to see its community as a whole, an entity, rather than a bunch of isolated groups scattered across an enormous area. so far i haven't really experienced any of that excitement in vancouver, not because it doesn't exist but because i know so few people, and because i have yet to uncover the exciting creative communities that are there.

but yeah, it is just so nice to go back to that city where i have a real feeling of connection and place. that familiarity that chased me away is also what seems to be keeping a big chunk of my heart there while i simultaneously try to eke out some sort of real existence here. it makes things a little tricky. but i spent five years in victoria making those connections, going to university and growing up. so it's inevitable that i will keep it close to my heart, and its inevitable that my community there will be wider than the one i've managed to scrape together in my three plus months here.

i can't help but wonder what will happen when (if?) i decide to do my master's somewhere other than here (which is likely). will i become even more fractured, with bits of my life in cities across the country? with bite-sized chunks of my beating heart scattered everywhere that there is something or someone that i love? this is the blessing and curse of our generation, it seems: the overwhelming number of choices we have spread out in front of us. how can we ever choose from so many seemingly arbitrary options? how can we balance this freedom to move and change with the need to have a sense of place and community?

fading at the edges

so, i had this dream last night about starting over. quitting everything, dropping everything, starting from scratch. can we ever do that?

i thought maybe that's how it would be when i came home from asia; i would be a 'new person' (pshh...) and i could start a totally new life in a new city as whoever i wished to be. but somehow i seem to be as tangled up in my old victoria life as much as ever. going back in time, even.

and yet... i talked to some friends on the phone the other night and the conversation was full of awkward pauses, silences, spaces. what to say when our lives are so separate? what stories to tell when the stories don't include each other? and a fear has come over me that perhaps all those memories and friendships will go the way of those i made in highschool; that they will slip-slide away to be rekindled briefly and without much hope (though preciously nonetheless) on brief holidays.

but emanuel reminds me that the old folks always say (and the old folks are often weathered and wise) that the friends you make at university are the ones that stick most stubbornly throughout your lives. is this true even when we all go such separate ways? so far it seems true enough; i certainly can't seem to get rid of you guys too easily...

and of course, of course, i would never want to.

c'mon. i didn't mean it.

another little thing that's been on my mind: will we follow in our parents' footsteps and let friendships fade a little at the edges when (if) minivans, mortgages, mommy-ing-daddy-ing take over? will we too become too absorbed in our little life-bubbles to remember how important and healthy friendships are? will we become mundane little family automatons? egad. such a scary thought. i just keep thinking that if i ever have children i would love for all my friends to be a big part of their lives. i would love them to have all these crazy godparents teaching them about derrida and bubble-making and indie-rock and how to fashionably perch underwear upon one's head, and all those important life skills. you know what i'm saying?

ok, well, y'know. i'm guessing this stuff's all pretty far in the future. so i'll drop it for now. but y'all better not ditch me when i have 10 screaming hyperactive and mouth wateringly adorable red-headed children, you fuckers.

up quark down quark red quark blue quark

tried to read 'the elegant universe' last night. holy moly. i think it's time to go back to school, get some training in physics, start again.

i thought the graviton was a ride at playland...and... just... how can we all be made of these little theoretical particles, how can these tiny abstract things make up all the madness of life? it hurts my head.

sigh.

lost without a place to go crazy

such a nice birthday weekend. out dancin' on friday, to bodyworlds (eww) on saturday, made a delicious rebar dinner, watched march of the penguins, and then out to vij's on sunday (oh my goodness, deliciousness). t'was lovely.

and now it's back to real life after all the surreal perfection of the last month. it hit me this morning, crawling out of bed at noon, feeling groggy, useless, aimless, lost. wait! these blues were supposed to be gone! they were supposed to be the 'new to vancouver' blues, not the 'three months and counting' blues.

i am so torn between my need to accomplish something 'important' and my need to have time for myself and for my friends. and so far it's been the accomplishing that's been sacrificed - and it's making me a bit blue. i see so many people around me working on these amazing projects, creating something from nothing, doing fascinating creative stimulating things. and moi? i wander the streets, i write in my journal, i insulate myself from the world around me...

yeah. i feel stagnant. i can't remember the last time i worked on a project, the last time i created something or felt inspired. i know it can be done, and i know it must be done but i'm not sure how to balance my life in that way, and i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to focus on one single thing. my indecision causes me to do nothing rather than everything. my indecision will be my undoing.

so, who's gonna give me the kick in the pants i need?

norman's overwhelming tendency towards mushiness, and other stuff.

hey kids.

so, 2007, eh? well, i'd like to give a shout out to all my peeps near and far who made my year, my new year and my life so far so sweet. word.

but seriously. t'was such a nice new year's eve. a last minute lurch, squeal, turn, and i found myself back in victoria getting drunk on jarrad and kristy's strangely shaped ergonomic scandinaviarama of a chair. just like old times. and i looked around at everybody and i thought, gosh, these people. they're so god damn hot. and also so god damned special. that's right. you guys are god damned special. and don't you forget it. who else would make a dinner of yucca, pears, artichokes and grasshoppers? who else would lick each other's faces incessantly, or wear underwear and lampshades on their heads and then allow photographs to be taken? (well, besides four year olds of course...) who else would indulge my obsession with wearing just the right thing, and then later force me at gunpoint to remove my pants when i became bashful? who else would tell me jolly stories of public vomiting while i had a little vomit of my own in the loo?

so yah, the night proceeded, we made our jolly way to tippi's, we partied apocalyptically, we hid out in the breakfast nook, we all made out with each other at midnight (god you guys are hot), we danced our pants off, wore our sashes like good samaritans, got drunk off our asses (or was that just me?), and stumbled home late into the night. it was as every new year's eve should be.

t'was awesome. i'm still glowing, and still hung over.

and thinking of the year to come. seems like one great big blank slate to me. a little terrifying, actually. i have no plans whatsoever for the future, i have no idea where or why or what i'll be a year from now. but i have fucking hot friends. so, y'know, i got all i need.

(oh yah, and i kicked matt's ass at scrabble. the perfect weekend indeed.)

city, rain

longing for more? check out flickr. updated. linked at yer right.

some olden golden footage

carabeeners, mole rats, swordfights and the ever sexy abe lincoln...

so. i've been in a pretty good mood today. is it the thought of mole-rats and their cute little beady eyes and jaws of steel? is it that i get paid to walk in parks? or is it maybe, just maybe, the energy waves of millions of orgasms occurring around the world all at once?

whew. hot.

so, here's what's been happening in my life in the last while:
visitors have come from across the sea; they have bundled and bumbled their respective ways into my home, they have curled up/passed out in my bed, on my couch, on my floor. they have startled my roomate, cleaned my dishes, eaten my food, gotten drunk and most of all have kept me entertained and happy for the last week. thanks guys!

had a potluck on monday which seemed to be the culmination day of visitors visiting. it felt a little odd that most of the people in my house were from victoria. it's confusing when people move out of context and spill into different worlds, but nice too. we had a giant communal meal, impressively and consistently yummy.

i also went to a party full of robust young tree planters, gangsters in chains and hipsters in jaunty hats, spiral staircases, simulated swordfights. there was even a man draped in carabeeners who sported a first aid kit at the hip. we had an awkward conversation about knives. i spent most of the night hiding behind pamela, vanessa, meg, the stairs, anything for the love of god.

i always think i'll like parties. then i get there, feel awkward, talk only to those i know, drink way too much, giggle, go home.

on wednesday vanessa was here and we had a fun evening out with a random group of good solid nerdy people. the conversation ranged from sexy lobsters to threesome propositions to comic books, and so much more in between. t'was a good time needless to say. the only blip in the evening was when i was called "the commercial drive type". good thing i'm a forgiving person...

oh the holidays. whatever will i do when my social life wiggles back into whatever hole it came crawling out of? back to long walks, coffee shops, quiet mornings and long blog rants.

meh, it won't be so bad. or even so different.

an update for the sake of updating:

today was filled with coddling crying cooing baby tears. why do they cry so much? how do they cry so much?

today was filled with couch naps, quick snacks, and the sadness of leaving. somehow today decided to be the day that the emptiness of all this leaving struck me down. the flip-side of the happiness of all these visitors became apparent. what is good must return to whence it came.

this fragmented community is making me so sad. why do we all feel the need to leave each other in so many ways?

raise a tent of shelter now

yikes, what a storm. my roommate and i congregated eerily, sleepily, simultaneously at the window at four a.m., watching the trees bow almost to the ground in some exclusionary reverence, some ceremony to which we bore witness but could not understand...

i found it hard to sleep as the creaky house i call home swayed and croaked; as wiggly tree fingers tap-tapped on my shuddering window... eep! hid my head under my blanket, felt so much like a child. felt suddenly so small against the backdrop of an entire universe that i will never fully understand...

chapters one and too

it suddenly struck me that christmas is nigh. so very nigh. today is, what, the 14th? how did this happen? i am always so unprepared for everything that crosses my path. i look up from my coffee, my book, and wham! i realize that life goes on even when i'm not paying attention, which is frequently.

but it's not too late, i suppose, to join in the merriment. this coming week should be a very whirlwind of merriment, in fact. potlucks, dress-up parties, lantern festivals, craft-makin' and bread-bakin' - and so much visiting. i can hardly wait.


* * * * * * * * * * *


so. last night i spent the good part of three hours on the telephone having this twisting tornado of a conversation with eben. a lot of this conversation seemed to revolve around the ways in which we change, in which we ebb and flow...

(an aside - last tuesday eb was introduced to a girl named flo. it made my night)

...and today i'm thinking a lot about the ways in which we become different people made up of different tangible and intangible material from year to year. being human is such an effin mystery, such madness! we are born, we obsess about every silly detail of our self-obsessed lives, we slump around these man-made worlds, occasionally looking up and around in wonder, and then we look back down into our little worlds, obsess some more about weird human constructs such as money, romance, art... and then eventually we die. and what was it all for?

one question i posed to eb was this: what, exactly, would you talk about if you knew you were going to die in, say, five days? how could you not realize how pointless everything is? how could you not realize how almight important every little thing is? and what do you say anymore to those you love? how much of our lives revolve around our futures, around avoiding the frightening reality that all we have is now? (as the flaming lips once said) and once that future is removed how do we keep from drowning in the present; that moment that we struggle so much to avoid?

oh, i know, i know, i digress. and perhaps 23 is a little too young to obsess about mortality. but it's there, and maybe if we think about these things enough we can find a way of accepting them and making our lives less of a distraction, more of a life.

who knows.

well, any thoughts?

rely a bit too heavily on alcohol and irony

oh, so much drinking. an amusing 'mod' evening in which an odd assortment of friends and acquaintances gathered together, got drunk, sat on strangers' laps, had "one night stands" with their boyfriends, danced to motown, played with their cellphones, made new friends in the loo, and eventually moaned in a drunken stupor. i somehow coerced some friends into sharing a cab with me despite their living on the opposite side of town which means i am apparently good at convincing drunk people to do silly things. perhaps this is an applicable skill for the apocalypse?

and today is seemingly a write-off. my brain doesn't seem to be working well. i made the strangest breakfast that began as an omelette and ended as a strange vegetable-polenta-tortilla-potato-parmesan-o-rama. it took me over an hour to make (mainly because i couldn't quite decide what i was making until i got too tired to continue and just ate it) but happily it was kind of good hangover food. i don't think i could ever recreate it though, which is too bad cause it looked grossly weird enough to be included in the cookbook that is in the works. (for those of you who don't know it will be a book of delicious items that look extremely unappetizing. the purpose of this book is to save people money by preventing others from eating their food without looking like a stingy bastard. and no, allen's (in)famous cottage cheese jello casserole cannot be included because it tastes as revolting as it looks. sorry al)

well, as i said my brain is really not working well. i'm having a lot of trouble spelling which is a very serious matter indeed.

hydrocephalitic listlessness

one thing i've noticed lately: i have stopped writing in my journal religiously, only occasionally opening its holy pages to read over, think, and scribble a few awkward lines. and i think perhaps this site may have something to do with that.

but then, as eben says, i write even in my own journal as though for an audience, so perhaps i may as well have one...

spent the morning at my kitchen table, spying once again but mostly reading this incredible epic article about joanna newsom (tonight i see her!). anyone who doesn't quite believe in her should definitely read this article... i sat for an hour afterwards just listening to her new album and crying and feeling so... so... well, you know. that way that you feel when you hear incredible music that touches something personal, something specific in your life. there's probably a term for it, or should be.

i perhaps have a new job as a nanny. not sure how i feel about having yet another sporatic (?) job with random hours. i'm finding it harder and harder to have a routine, which i realized while traveling is something i desperately love. morning coffee and reading is still a go, so that's something. i'm grateful for my ability to wake up slow even while employed; to have a few hours to stare at the wall and ponder the intricacies of life and death and music. but i'm finding it hard to enjoy all this free time to its fullest when i'm always stressed about Money and my Future and all that other stuff that takes over.

so, any ideas kids? for Money, for My Future?

and contemplating christmas this morning too. family and friends and that warm glow; and also the recent fallability i've discovered in those i believed to be infallible throughout my childhood. maybe not so much fallability as vulnerability, which is perhaps worse. getting older is so strange. my love for everyone is changing, becoming more complicated but maybe stronger.

well, anyways, christmas comes and even though i'm not making christmas cards i'm definitely feeling infinitely older this time around. wiser? weathered? not too sure. maybe just different.

the way it will all come together...

today feels like a good one. i woke up late and slow, made coffee, and sat at the kitchen table for a long while just watching the snow fall and peering in on my next-door neighbours. (ah, the intimacy of city-dwellers).

been doing a lot of thinking lately. i still have a lot of time on my hands, but i feel good about it today. if i can make rent in two days and have a bit of cash to spare i'll be happy. isn't that what life should be like? scraping off enough freedom to be happy, and working enough to feel satisfied and stress free? i don't mind working if it fulfills me, but i can't imagine spending the next ten years working full time in the food industry. and i won't.

and for this reason i am liking tutoring; i have found something that makes me feel good and that i think perhaps i am good at. i am helping people to learn and i am getting paid for it. and i'm valued and appreciated, which should not be taken for granted.

and the world around me has had a glow lately. i feel like my perspective, my way of seeing things has changed so much. i still get depressed, i still have terrible days. but i've come to see how precious life is, how fleeting and how marvelous t'is. look outside! it's incredibly beautiful, and so unlikely. on days like this i forget completely why i get so down sometimes.

and i'm finding a community, a staggered disconnected and motley community, but still. there are familiar faces in random spaces, and that is the one thing i have been looking for since i left victoria.

and it can only get better, right?

beauty! beauty!

wow. it is so beautiful out. i've had that glow like being on mushrooms for the whole day, watching everything move slowly, absorbing the stillness that this rare weather brings.

and last night i forced myself to go to a party filled with strangers. and guess what? it was neither terrifying nor terrible. it was, in fact, loads of fun. i met some lovely people, drank a lot of wine and skipped home at four a.m. under the most magical moonlit sparkling snowflakes. yes!

things are looking up.

it's such an enormous thing to walk and to listen

feeling exceptionally happy today. why? is it because two of my favorite people have (finally) returned from their travels and travails? is it because i had a day completely to myself, to walk and to listen? is it because i moved furniture, and acquired a beautiful blue shelf? is it because my apartment (and possibly my life) are becoming slowly but surely cleared of clutter? is it because of the wind that blew in clear skies? is it because of the many cups of coffee and the thought of a creative project? is it because winter has finally come and i can stop dreading its coming and just plain embrace its existence?

i imagine it's a bit of everything.

and it's terribly good to carry water and chop wood

on friday i went out dancin' with pamela and john. discussed some important matters such as couple cute/barf factors and the many categories of sexuality to which one may belong. (i wonder where i stand...?) john seems to have an extensive list, as well as some lovely sound effects and gestures to illustrate his points. pamela got drunk and giggled a lot, and wondered whether people who don't know her talk about her the way that people talk about tippi. ha! i like those kids...

and yesterday morning i woke up after 4 hours of sleep and too many glasses of beer feeling oddly clearheaded. i think perhaps i have realized a few important things:

for one, i realize that i do indeed have lovely friends and that they do indeed keep me grounded, anchored, as much as i try to spin wildly out of control some days.

for two, i realized that victoria is no longer my home. for now? for ever? we shall see, but despite the loneliness i feel strangely comforted returning to vancouver. ah, the mountains, the many views, the greyness and the colors and...well, y'know. other stuff. stuff i try to be wordy about but is really best left inside my head to wallow in its own juices. splish splash.

for three, i realized that life is really an amazing thing. well, maybe that hit me earlier than yesterday, but yesterday morning it seemed exceptionally clear. terrible things happen, and are happening, and will continue to happen forever and ever. but there are so many human beings around, big hairy ones and little goosy ones and everything in between, and it's so exciting. human beings are so great.

for four, i realized that i have changed a lot lately. i think i like these changes, though i think i need to try them out a little longer before i decide for sure. we shall see we shall see.

and to top it off, the new joanna newsom album came out.

woooot.

the victorian era

is it a coincidence that my street and bus route in vancouver are both called 'victoria'?

hmmm... i miss that fair city. spent the last five days on the island, filling my time with friends, music, beer, books... felt strangely normal, as though that were in fact my life, and it is vancouver that is a recurring tangible dream.

and yet... such a big part of me says "kerria! you need the smog, you need the skyscrapers, you need the filth, you need the life, you need the millions of stories that surround you!"

well, something like that. hard to translate your inner voice into words.

but i miss a life i used to lead, and i miss all those people that made my visit so full of love and fun and excitement. perhaps it's just in relation to my rather antisocial and introspective life here, but it was fun and exciting and full of love nonetheless.

well, at some point i plan on finding my community, my niche, my comfort zone. it may take years but i will find it, and for now i'll try to be thankful for this time and space to think, drift, over-analyze, write, go mad and most of all, feel thankful for what i had and have and will have.

and going mad is not so bad, i think...

the small things

my busdriver yesterday was a hipster, young and handsome, with a jaunty black and white checkered scarf slap-dashed over his uniform.

isn't that wonderful?

also, check this out.

oh, the internet...

peel off all your layers

today was quiet, uneventful. i slept late, since insomnia has gripped me fairly regularly for the last month. last night i finally broke down and covered my window with a large cloth in the hopes that the problem was all the light seeping in at all hours. sadly, it didn't fix the problem, but i'm hoping that tonight some tea and dickens will soothe me to deep dark sleep.

spent the day sitting in my new haunt, a coffee shop full of middle aged men and mommies. somehow i like it that way - i feel more anonymous, more inconspicuous. perhaps it's the opposite, but hey, they sell coffee with gold flakes! real gold!

chatted with an interesting man for a long while. he had a lot to say, and he said it very slowly and deliberately. he has lived in vancouver for forty years and seems to know all its secrets, its intricacies, its politicians and street-preachers. he showed me his book of poetry, and he tried to read my journal over my shoulder. ha! i like his style.

and today there was this incredible light, with the clouds sitting just above the horizon and beneath them the sun. and all these trees...oh man, autumn is incredible in this neighborhood, with every house a different color, every street paved with different shades of red, and everything glowing. and my discman singing to my footsteps, thom yorke crooning to me and only me.

if only...

and took the skytrain out to see my grandpa turn 88. he still calls me his 'little redheaded rascal' after all these years.

today was nice.