summertime in montreal has turned out to be exactly as described: humid, non-stop festivals, non-stop drinking, and totally and utterly exhaustingly fun. i don't think i have gone out this much since perhaps first year university. actually, i doubt i ever went out this much in victoria - i'm not sure you could if you wanted to, unless you enjoy dancing on an empty dance floor to top-20 hits at places like the red jacket or legends. shudder. there is always always always something to do, and 9 times out of 10 it's crowded and wild.
last weekend mum and dad came to visit, and kept repeating that "montreal is just so...civilsed". i think they were mainly referring to the affordability and accessiblity of liquor, and the lax laws that accompany it (drinking in parks is legal if accompanied by a 'picnic'! i have been taking full advantage of this). good ol' grays. it was a nice visit, and i saw the city through new eyes. i have been sometimes forgetting how great it is to be able to live here for a while.
anyways. montreal. every sweltering day i spend here makes it harder and harder to think of leaving. though my liver will thank me if/when i do. people are crazy here. they do nothing but drink, smoke, and eat late night poutine and bagels. stomachs of iron! it's fabulous, but i don't think i can handle this lifestyle for too much longer. you know me - i'm a hermit, a recluse, i prefer a good book and a cup of tea to a night of debauchery. and yet here i am, tired and recovering from a night of tequila shots. tequila shots! what kind of madness has come over me?
but really, there's more to this city than tequila shots. as a perk of my nannying job i ended up with a super-pass for the fringe, which was actually quite lovely. i am embarassed to admit that i had never (!) been to a single fringe show before, and i ended up taking in seven in three days last weekend. some foul-mouthed potty humor, some inspiring musings on george carlin and charles bukowski, some wild break dancing, a one-man play, and a hilarious acrobatic comedic duo that defies description. it was nice. and now jazz fest has begun - i checked out the tribute to leonard cohen on thursday and it was just lovely - though i missed buffy saint marie. and totally free. reading the music, arts, and theatre listings is overwhelming and stressful - THERE AREN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY FOR ALL THIS!!! HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT???!!!
ah well. i'm enjoying it while it lasts. it is quite likely that in two months i will be back in vancouver living a totally different lifestyle. slow walks on the beach, long conversations over coffee, yoga in the morning, maybe take in a movie or dinner with friends if i'm feeling wild. it will probably do me good. but crise de batard de tabernac, i'm going to miss this city.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
turkey sex and abbatoirs of human depravity...
i went to see barbara kingsolver talk on monday night about her book 'animal, vegetable, miracle' which, despite its super-cheesy title is actually one of the best books i have read in years - it is a combination of some of the things i love the most: great storytelling, food politics, food culture, family, friendship, and asparagus! also, there is a great chapter all about turkey sex - a highlight, i assure you.
this was the third talk i've seen this year (i think?) - the other two were Holly Dressel, who is an activist, a writer and an organic farmer who talked about GMO's and Monsanto (she was wonderfully no-nonsense and well-spoken), and the other was Stephen Lewis who talked about AIDS in africa in a rather extravagent manner (he described the situation in one country as an 'abbatoir of human depravity' - i'm not quite sure this makes sense but it sure sounds dramatic).
one thing that all three talks had in common was how horrifically embarrassing the question and answer periods were. i'm sure anyone who's ever experienced one of these knows what i'm talking about. yech. the stephen lewis talk was exceptionally bad, with every single person coming up to the microphone to blab on and on for ten minutes about themselves, LIKE WE CARE! get to the point, dude. except usually there isn't one. one girl went up to the microphone and said something along the lines of: "stephen lewis, i want to be a doctor. i applied to oxford, yale and harvard, and not ONE of them let me in. ummm, can you tell me why?" stephen lewis looked rather ill by the end of all this, and ready to run off stage screaming. holly dressel was a bit better; she refused to be polite to the audience, and got in a fight with one girl who accused her of being against all modern medicine by being against GMO's. barbara kingsolver merely interupted the crazy man who was telling some long and totally irrelevant story about some homeless dude ("let me just read you a few pages of his manifesto") and said, rather diplomatically: "hmm, let me anticipate your question and answer it, and then we can move on."
oh humans. they're so annoying. i feel sorry for anyone who has to stand up there on the stage and attempt to respond to something that is not really a question at all, but rather an excuse to talk about oneself to a captive audience and a sort-of famous person.
well, anyways, the talks were all quite inspiring, even though i found stephen lewis a bit over the top.
hmm, well, question and answer periods. i guess from now on i'm just gonna get a seat near the exit and be prepared to flee.
now onto me. i'd like to start out by saying that i miss you all very much, and i sometimes daydream about going for walks with you along the seawall, or having coffee with you in a cafe in your neighborhood. catching up over a nice hot cappucino. mmm.
i'd like to follow that up by saying that i have noooo idea when this fantasy will take place. i have zero plans for the fall, or perhaps i have too many plans. i am alternating each day between staying in montreal, moving back to vancouver, moving to toronto, and taking an internship or volunteer position somewhere overseas. i have been offered a sort-of-internship by an NGO in Kartataka, India, called Vanastree. It is an environmental collective whose focus is on promoting food security through seed-saving and organic home gardens, and it is associated with a bunch of other NGO's in South India. (see www.vanastree.org). Anyways, this seems right up my alley, and the woman who runs the organization is also trying to get me to work with another organization for a couple of months doing some GIS and field work, which would be pretty cool. But of course it is totally unpaid, and well, i'm still trying to work off the loans i have accumulated over the last year. and i'd also really like to do a master's before the end of the decade, which will also cost some money. and there is also the issue of being in one place for a while. i have moved from victoria, to asia, to various couches in b.c., to vancouver to montreal, all since 2005. that is a lot of moving, and it sometimes gets a bit lonely. i am not the most outgoing gal around and sometimes i would rather just read a book at home than make the effort to make new friends. i have met some wonderful people here but i still miss vancouver, where more and more people i love seem to be congregating. and the master's program i am most interested in seems to be in...toronto. bleh.
so yeah, i seem to have two competing selves; the one who has an incurable wanderlust, and one who is unabashedly domestic and longs for a sunny and permanent home, a career, a cat to curl up on my lap, and maybe even a little vegetable garden. none of the aforementioned things are easily had when you move cities/countries every year. so yeah, there are exciting things and there are comforting things, and i'm not sure which ones will win out in the end. just know that you are each and every one missed muchly. and to those in b.c.: i will be back sooner or later.
this was the third talk i've seen this year (i think?) - the other two were Holly Dressel, who is an activist, a writer and an organic farmer who talked about GMO's and Monsanto (she was wonderfully no-nonsense and well-spoken), and the other was Stephen Lewis who talked about AIDS in africa in a rather extravagent manner (he described the situation in one country as an 'abbatoir of human depravity' - i'm not quite sure this makes sense but it sure sounds dramatic).
one thing that all three talks had in common was how horrifically embarrassing the question and answer periods were. i'm sure anyone who's ever experienced one of these knows what i'm talking about. yech. the stephen lewis talk was exceptionally bad, with every single person coming up to the microphone to blab on and on for ten minutes about themselves, LIKE WE CARE! get to the point, dude. except usually there isn't one. one girl went up to the microphone and said something along the lines of: "stephen lewis, i want to be a doctor. i applied to oxford, yale and harvard, and not ONE of them let me in. ummm, can you tell me why?" stephen lewis looked rather ill by the end of all this, and ready to run off stage screaming. holly dressel was a bit better; she refused to be polite to the audience, and got in a fight with one girl who accused her of being against all modern medicine by being against GMO's. barbara kingsolver merely interupted the crazy man who was telling some long and totally irrelevant story about some homeless dude ("let me just read you a few pages of his manifesto") and said, rather diplomatically: "hmm, let me anticipate your question and answer it, and then we can move on."
oh humans. they're so annoying. i feel sorry for anyone who has to stand up there on the stage and attempt to respond to something that is not really a question at all, but rather an excuse to talk about oneself to a captive audience and a sort-of famous person.
well, anyways, the talks were all quite inspiring, even though i found stephen lewis a bit over the top.
hmm, well, question and answer periods. i guess from now on i'm just gonna get a seat near the exit and be prepared to flee.
now onto me. i'd like to start out by saying that i miss you all very much, and i sometimes daydream about going for walks with you along the seawall, or having coffee with you in a cafe in your neighborhood. catching up over a nice hot cappucino. mmm.
i'd like to follow that up by saying that i have noooo idea when this fantasy will take place. i have zero plans for the fall, or perhaps i have too many plans. i am alternating each day between staying in montreal, moving back to vancouver, moving to toronto, and taking an internship or volunteer position somewhere overseas. i have been offered a sort-of-internship by an NGO in Kartataka, India, called Vanastree. It is an environmental collective whose focus is on promoting food security through seed-saving and organic home gardens, and it is associated with a bunch of other NGO's in South India. (see www.vanastree.org). Anyways, this seems right up my alley, and the woman who runs the organization is also trying to get me to work with another organization for a couple of months doing some GIS and field work, which would be pretty cool. But of course it is totally unpaid, and well, i'm still trying to work off the loans i have accumulated over the last year. and i'd also really like to do a master's before the end of the decade, which will also cost some money. and there is also the issue of being in one place for a while. i have moved from victoria, to asia, to various couches in b.c., to vancouver to montreal, all since 2005. that is a lot of moving, and it sometimes gets a bit lonely. i am not the most outgoing gal around and sometimes i would rather just read a book at home than make the effort to make new friends. i have met some wonderful people here but i still miss vancouver, where more and more people i love seem to be congregating. and the master's program i am most interested in seems to be in...toronto. bleh.
so yeah, i seem to have two competing selves; the one who has an incurable wanderlust, and one who is unabashedly domestic and longs for a sunny and permanent home, a career, a cat to curl up on my lap, and maybe even a little vegetable garden. none of the aforementioned things are easily had when you move cities/countries every year. so yeah, there are exciting things and there are comforting things, and i'm not sure which ones will win out in the end. just know that you are each and every one missed muchly. and to those in b.c.: i will be back sooner or later.
Monday, May 12, 2008
all i really wanna do...
i am listening to records, sitting by the window, slowly sipping lukewarm coffee from a pretty mug. it is reassuring how much pleasure the scritch-scratch of a record player can bring me, a blue sky, a drawn-out morning.
the sun has been shining here almost non-stop for the last few weeks. it is lovely. we spent much of saturday at the park, sleeping in the sun. it was actually the first time in as long as i can remember that i had two days off in a row completely my own. though that is not completely true, as i am applying for a bunch of internships, all of which entail essays, all of which are different, all of which are due at alternating points between now and july. and i have been working six days a week since mid-april. so a day to lay in the sun, napping, was true joy. yesterday i spent just as i wanted, too; tidying my room, reading the newspaper, going out for coffee twice.
life is very strange these days. there has been a lot of change, so i am feeling a bit out of sorts. and my future is a blank page, a void. i don't think i've ever been so unsure about the future - i have absolutely no idea what september will bring. i would love to get an internship, but the competition is fierce and the funding limited, so i am trying not to set myself up for disappointment. i am saving money, and i keep dreaming of italy, greece, france, brazil, mexico, india... but as much as i would love to wander sunny streets for months on end, i know too that i would come back in exactly the same place i am now. which is a good place, but also a rather muddled and broke one. it is nice, though, this uncertainty, and exciting. anything could happen!
the sun has been shining here almost non-stop for the last few weeks. it is lovely. we spent much of saturday at the park, sleeping in the sun. it was actually the first time in as long as i can remember that i had two days off in a row completely my own. though that is not completely true, as i am applying for a bunch of internships, all of which entail essays, all of which are different, all of which are due at alternating points between now and july. and i have been working six days a week since mid-april. so a day to lay in the sun, napping, was true joy. yesterday i spent just as i wanted, too; tidying my room, reading the newspaper, going out for coffee twice.
life is very strange these days. there has been a lot of change, so i am feeling a bit out of sorts. and my future is a blank page, a void. i don't think i've ever been so unsure about the future - i have absolutely no idea what september will bring. i would love to get an internship, but the competition is fierce and the funding limited, so i am trying not to set myself up for disappointment. i am saving money, and i keep dreaming of italy, greece, france, brazil, mexico, india... but as much as i would love to wander sunny streets for months on end, i know too that i would come back in exactly the same place i am now. which is a good place, but also a rather muddled and broke one. it is nice, though, this uncertainty, and exciting. anything could happen!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
j'adore montreal...
so, matthew and i spent a good portion of last night sitting on the patio at santropol, enjoying the long-awaited arrival of spring, eating giant sandwiches, petting an extraordinarily fluffy and adorable cat (i know, it's a bad combination, but it was a very clean cat!), and discussing the merits of montreal vs. vancouver. i regret to tell you all that montreal won on pretty much all counts.
though it was indeed a cold and drawn-out winter, it was beautiful with the snow, and (within city limits) i went outdoor ice skating, sledding, and even rode a horse-drawn sleigh! (mind you, it only went in circles, and i did it with a sticky and hyper three year old who kept covering my hair and clothes with maple syrup, but still!) and none of these things cost a penny. what does vancouver provide in the winter for free? what does vancouver EVER provide for free? that's what i'd like to know.
i think this is the most important selling point of montreal. it is...affordable. you can get a gorgeous apartment in the most desirable part of town here for less than a shitty one in south van. virtually every apartment has high ceilings and hardwood floors and 'terraces'. this means you can actually use your money to live, rather than merely handing over your paycheque to your landlord each week, and it means you don't have to live in squalor, relegated to the outer limits of the city. you can live like a king on the salary of a servant! or even the salary of a student!
and well, now that the sun is shining it's just so lovely. the city seems to have been built for people to live well, with a garden space out front of each row house, and a city made for bicycles and pedestrians, with so much gorgeous architecture to look at. i have a feeling that the summer is going to kick vancouver summer's ass too. free concerts, streets closed off to traffic for weeks or even months, hundreds of gorgeous patios, and barbeques on the terrace (that's right, we have terraces rather than decks, and they're pronounced with an oh-so-chique quebecois accent), and lots and lots of beautiful people. sure, vancouver has most of these things too, but i'll bet they cost twice as much, require a bus to get to, and most of them will likely be rained out. yes, even the beautiful people.
ok ok, vancouver has its charms. number one being my friends and family that simply cannot be replaced. and there is the ocean, and the beautiful mountains always in the background. and sure, the rain brings good things, like flowers and delicious vegetables, and...and...ummm...
yah, so i guess what this all means is that i am getting incredibly attached to a city that i probably will have to leave sooner than later. right now autumn is a total blank in my mind, an unknown, but chances are that neither further schooling nor amazing jobs will be occurring in this city. alas. so i guess i'll make the most of my summer; savour every locally brewed beer on every warm inviting patio, and save it all up for the inevitable rainy day back home.
though it was indeed a cold and drawn-out winter, it was beautiful with the snow, and (within city limits) i went outdoor ice skating, sledding, and even rode a horse-drawn sleigh! (mind you, it only went in circles, and i did it with a sticky and hyper three year old who kept covering my hair and clothes with maple syrup, but still!) and none of these things cost a penny. what does vancouver provide in the winter for free? what does vancouver EVER provide for free? that's what i'd like to know.
i think this is the most important selling point of montreal. it is...affordable. you can get a gorgeous apartment in the most desirable part of town here for less than a shitty one in south van. virtually every apartment has high ceilings and hardwood floors and 'terraces'. this means you can actually use your money to live, rather than merely handing over your paycheque to your landlord each week, and it means you don't have to live in squalor, relegated to the outer limits of the city. you can live like a king on the salary of a servant! or even the salary of a student!
and well, now that the sun is shining it's just so lovely. the city seems to have been built for people to live well, with a garden space out front of each row house, and a city made for bicycles and pedestrians, with so much gorgeous architecture to look at. i have a feeling that the summer is going to kick vancouver summer's ass too. free concerts, streets closed off to traffic for weeks or even months, hundreds of gorgeous patios, and barbeques on the terrace (that's right, we have terraces rather than decks, and they're pronounced with an oh-so-chique quebecois accent), and lots and lots of beautiful people. sure, vancouver has most of these things too, but i'll bet they cost twice as much, require a bus to get to, and most of them will likely be rained out. yes, even the beautiful people.
ok ok, vancouver has its charms. number one being my friends and family that simply cannot be replaced. and there is the ocean, and the beautiful mountains always in the background. and sure, the rain brings good things, like flowers and delicious vegetables, and...and...ummm...
yah, so i guess what this all means is that i am getting incredibly attached to a city that i probably will have to leave sooner than later. right now autumn is a total blank in my mind, an unknown, but chances are that neither further schooling nor amazing jobs will be occurring in this city. alas. so i guess i'll make the most of my summer; savour every locally brewed beer on every warm inviting patio, and save it all up for the inevitable rainy day back home.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
cannibalism and other worries...
so, it's my last day of school today, and i'm getting all emotional. here i come big world, again... it's funny, because this has been such a different experience than my bachelor's degree. that was so much longer, and so much more life-changing, and so much more filled with close friends. and yet, despite always being the oldest one in the class, despite annoying group projects and many sleepless stressed-out nights, i'm glad i did this, and i feel sad to leave.
one of my classes just finished up with all the profs putting what we had learned into a framework of real life, and it was in a way helpful to know that i am not the only one who is terribly cynical, but also full of hope for the future. also, apparently i'm not the only one who fears being eaten in the apocalypse (though i bet my profs didn't have to make their significant others promise not to eat them).
anyways, though the people in my class are mainly quite young, and some of them have ideas about the world that are a bit idealistic, a bit simplistic, they also have ideas about the world that give me hope. though there are certainly issues with this program at mcgill (ie: a total lack of female teachers and female perspectives, among other things), there is also a really great mix of disciplines that i think produces more well-rounded people. little renaissance-women and men. well, kinda.
anyways, i'm probably just emotional because i had my third sleepless night in a week last night. but also because i feel such bitter cynicism and also such hopeful hope for the world. how are we going to fix all the things that have gone wrong? i have very little faith that we can, but i also feel that throwing up my hands and giving up would be a disservice to myself and to the world. i guess the question i keep asking myself, now that i'm out of school again, is what is the best way to 'help'? I want to make things better, i want to make the world a kinder place, and i want to avoid being eaten by bloodthirsty corporate lawyers and politicians. but i don't know how.
one of my classes just finished up with all the profs putting what we had learned into a framework of real life, and it was in a way helpful to know that i am not the only one who is terribly cynical, but also full of hope for the future. also, apparently i'm not the only one who fears being eaten in the apocalypse (though i bet my profs didn't have to make their significant others promise not to eat them).
anyways, though the people in my class are mainly quite young, and some of them have ideas about the world that are a bit idealistic, a bit simplistic, they also have ideas about the world that give me hope. though there are certainly issues with this program at mcgill (ie: a total lack of female teachers and female perspectives, among other things), there is also a really great mix of disciplines that i think produces more well-rounded people. little renaissance-women and men. well, kinda.
anyways, i'm probably just emotional because i had my third sleepless night in a week last night. but also because i feel such bitter cynicism and also such hopeful hope for the world. how are we going to fix all the things that have gone wrong? i have very little faith that we can, but i also feel that throwing up my hands and giving up would be a disservice to myself and to the world. i guess the question i keep asking myself, now that i'm out of school again, is what is the best way to 'help'? I want to make things better, i want to make the world a kinder place, and i want to avoid being eaten by bloodthirsty corporate lawyers and politicians. but i don't know how.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
and more thoughts...
Food has been on my mind a lot lately. I've realized that most of the things I have taken an interest in lately have been related in some way or another to food. Perhaps this is inevitable - it is really what most of our lives revolve around whether we want it to or not - whether it be the avoidance of food, the obsession with food, working for food, planning food, eating food, growing food, cooking food for ourselves, cooking food for a living, cooking food for pleasure...
I realize that when i think about people i know i can see something of their true selves in their relationship to food: Meg and her amazing cooking skills, her dreams of opening a restaurant named after her mama, her generousness; my dad i think of always in the kitchen, cooking something delicious at the end of the day, his love for my family coming out in this way, and my mom making the same muffins every year for our family christmas brunch. I think of Eben and his seven-hour cooking marathons, looking stressed and rather absurd as he runs in circles trying to figure out what he's doing; I think of Harmony and her meticulous and stubborn methods, her "don't-touch-that-before-dinner-hey-stop-noooooo!", and i think of potlucks with friends, with wine and good food, or at least strange food; i think of abra and her ramen and egg soup for every meal, with half-packages of mr.noodles scattered all over her cupboard; i think of noah and i making up a batch of fresh-picked blackberry jam (and his insistence on pouring in an entire package of cinnamon when my back was turned); i think of emanuel's yummy buttery pie and salty tomato sauce, and his mom's peach jam that i would always steal spoonfuls of when he wasn't home...(see? i even feel like i know his mom a bit, from her delicious jam!) I think of little jacob and i making cookies together, and his hilarious wide-eyed excitement when they come out of the oven... anyways, i could go on and on, but all i'm trying to say is that our lives are tied up in food in ways that go beyond staying alive. i love food culture, and i love the way food creates meaning and love in our lives, and i don't care if that eventually makes me a rolly-polly sentimental person...
and a favorite poem:
A Breakfast for Barbarians
Gwendolyn MacEwan
my friends, my sweet barbarians,
there is that hunger which is not for food—
but an eye at the navel turns the appetite
round
with visions of some fabulous sandwich,
the brain’s golden breakfast
eaten with beasts
with books on plates
let us make an anthology of recipes,
let us edit for breakfast
our most unspeakable appetites—
let us pool spoons, knives
and all cutlery in a cosmic cuisine,
let us answer hunger
with boiled chimera
and apocalyptic tea,
an arcane salad of spiced bibles,
tossed dictionaries—
(O my barbarians
we will consume our mysteries)
and can we, can we slake the gaping eye of our desires?
we will sit around our hewn wood table
until our hair is long and our eyes are feeble,
eating, my people, O my insatiates,
eating until we are no more able
to jack up the jaws any longer—
to no more complain of the soul’s vulgar cavities,
to gaze at each other over the rust-heap of cutlery,
drinking a coffee that takes an eternity—
till, bursting, bleary,
we laugh, barbarians, and rock the universe—
and exclaim to each other over the table
over the table of bones and scrap metal
over the gigantic junk-heaped table:
by God that was a meal
I realize that when i think about people i know i can see something of their true selves in their relationship to food: Meg and her amazing cooking skills, her dreams of opening a restaurant named after her mama, her generousness; my dad i think of always in the kitchen, cooking something delicious at the end of the day, his love for my family coming out in this way, and my mom making the same muffins every year for our family christmas brunch. I think of Eben and his seven-hour cooking marathons, looking stressed and rather absurd as he runs in circles trying to figure out what he's doing; I think of Harmony and her meticulous and stubborn methods, her "don't-touch-that-before-dinner-hey-stop-noooooo!", and i think of potlucks with friends, with wine and good food, or at least strange food; i think of abra and her ramen and egg soup for every meal, with half-packages of mr.noodles scattered all over her cupboard; i think of noah and i making up a batch of fresh-picked blackberry jam (and his insistence on pouring in an entire package of cinnamon when my back was turned); i think of emanuel's yummy buttery pie and salty tomato sauce, and his mom's peach jam that i would always steal spoonfuls of when he wasn't home...(see? i even feel like i know his mom a bit, from her delicious jam!) I think of little jacob and i making cookies together, and his hilarious wide-eyed excitement when they come out of the oven... anyways, i could go on and on, but all i'm trying to say is that our lives are tied up in food in ways that go beyond staying alive. i love food culture, and i love the way food creates meaning and love in our lives, and i don't care if that eventually makes me a rolly-polly sentimental person...
and a favorite poem:
A Breakfast for Barbarians
Gwendolyn MacEwan
my friends, my sweet barbarians,
there is that hunger which is not for food—
but an eye at the navel turns the appetite
round
with visions of some fabulous sandwich,
the brain’s golden breakfast
eaten with beasts
with books on plates
let us make an anthology of recipes,
let us edit for breakfast
our most unspeakable appetites—
let us pool spoons, knives
and all cutlery in a cosmic cuisine,
let us answer hunger
with boiled chimera
and apocalyptic tea,
an arcane salad of spiced bibles,
tossed dictionaries—
(O my barbarians
we will consume our mysteries)
and can we, can we slake the gaping eye of our desires?
we will sit around our hewn wood table
until our hair is long and our eyes are feeble,
eating, my people, O my insatiates,
eating until we are no more able
to jack up the jaws any longer—
to no more complain of the soul’s vulgar cavities,
to gaze at each other over the rust-heap of cutlery,
drinking a coffee that takes an eternity—
till, bursting, bleary,
we laugh, barbarians, and rock the universe—
and exclaim to each other over the table
over the table of bones and scrap metal
over the gigantic junk-heaped table:
by God that was a meal
Friday, April 04, 2008
well, it's snowing again. not much to say about that.
i'm thinking about a lot of things lately. i'm thinking about the ever-immanent future, about where i want to be and where i want to go...i'm thinking about the summer as i watch the snow falling outside my window, i'm thinking about where i've been lately. i'm thinking about the macros and micros of life - the things that happen to us as individuals that can change us and shape us, and also the things that can happen to us on a bigger scale. the latter are the things that we discuss constantly in my program - the huge disasters we are facing on all fronts as a world: water shortages, desertification, climate change, an astounding loss of biodiversity... and also all the social crises these will bring (or that are already occurring); water shortages, famines, huge and growing inequalities, and world wars.
my prof brought in a report from the UN which proposed as a possible solution to water shortages... the cutting down of trees. if this isn't indicative of the totally counter-intuitive, anthropocentric, and short-sighted madness of today's way of thinking then i don't know what is. it's sad because these are the kinds of ideas being implemented as we speak. this is the kind of attitude that rules the planet: don't think about changing our lifestyles, don't think about changing our attitudes, don't think about poor people or redistribution - just focus on easy technological band-aid solutions. as if all these things happening in the world aren't a part of our own lives! as if they won't come around and affect us evenutally! but probably it won't affect all the rich leaders of the world who refuse to compromise; whatever changes happen are sure to affect the poor, and then the younger generations. it makes me furious, sometimes, the lack of power we have, and the selfishness of people who are fucking it all up for the rest of us. it makes me sad, and it makes me scared for the future. though i try not to think about it too much, i sometimes have a hard time believing that the world is not going to hell in a handbasket.
but then there's all this crazy wonderful stuff too, that gives me a little hope. there are so many people who are active in the community here. i heard somewhere that this is because of the specific history here; people have more of a sense of involvement and community because of the issues that have faced and continue to face the province. it's interesting to live in quebec, where there is this distinctive identity that people are proud of, and this sense of solidarity. but yeah, they have some great organizations here. equiterre; santropol roulant; eco-quartiers in each neighborhood where you can bring your compost, learn to fix your bike or buy your green bin; the rooftop gardens; the awesome history of community gardens that are protected by the municipality; alternatives; cooperative la maison vert... montreal is great.
anyways, there's that. and then there's my own little life. there's my desires and then there's my conscience. there's my desires and then there's my common sense. what to do when i leave montreal? do i stay in canada and make some meaningful roots somewhere, or do i follow my whim and go off to another country to try to learn something new? do i go back to school next year, and if so where do i focus my energies? oh dear.
i'm thinking about a lot of things lately. i'm thinking about the ever-immanent future, about where i want to be and where i want to go...i'm thinking about the summer as i watch the snow falling outside my window, i'm thinking about where i've been lately. i'm thinking about the macros and micros of life - the things that happen to us as individuals that can change us and shape us, and also the things that can happen to us on a bigger scale. the latter are the things that we discuss constantly in my program - the huge disasters we are facing on all fronts as a world: water shortages, desertification, climate change, an astounding loss of biodiversity... and also all the social crises these will bring (or that are already occurring); water shortages, famines, huge and growing inequalities, and world wars.
my prof brought in a report from the UN which proposed as a possible solution to water shortages... the cutting down of trees. if this isn't indicative of the totally counter-intuitive, anthropocentric, and short-sighted madness of today's way of thinking then i don't know what is. it's sad because these are the kinds of ideas being implemented as we speak. this is the kind of attitude that rules the planet: don't think about changing our lifestyles, don't think about changing our attitudes, don't think about poor people or redistribution - just focus on easy technological band-aid solutions. as if all these things happening in the world aren't a part of our own lives! as if they won't come around and affect us evenutally! but probably it won't affect all the rich leaders of the world who refuse to compromise; whatever changes happen are sure to affect the poor, and then the younger generations. it makes me furious, sometimes, the lack of power we have, and the selfishness of people who are fucking it all up for the rest of us. it makes me sad, and it makes me scared for the future. though i try not to think about it too much, i sometimes have a hard time believing that the world is not going to hell in a handbasket.
but then there's all this crazy wonderful stuff too, that gives me a little hope. there are so many people who are active in the community here. i heard somewhere that this is because of the specific history here; people have more of a sense of involvement and community because of the issues that have faced and continue to face the province. it's interesting to live in quebec, where there is this distinctive identity that people are proud of, and this sense of solidarity. but yeah, they have some great organizations here. equiterre; santropol roulant; eco-quartiers in each neighborhood where you can bring your compost, learn to fix your bike or buy your green bin; the rooftop gardens; the awesome history of community gardens that are protected by the municipality; alternatives; cooperative la maison vert... montreal is great.
anyways, there's that. and then there's my own little life. there's my desires and then there's my conscience. there's my desires and then there's my common sense. what to do when i leave montreal? do i stay in canada and make some meaningful roots somewhere, or do i follow my whim and go off to another country to try to learn something new? do i go back to school next year, and if so where do i focus my energies? oh dear.
Friday, March 28, 2008
summer rules, microsporidia drool
it is 11:07 pm on a friday night, and i have been staring at a paper outline about parasitic evolution and honey bees for the past three hours or so. or make that the past three weeks. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE! why are they making me do this?
anyways, the point is, i am starting to remember what a procrastinator i am. i have incredible amounts of homework to do, and yet i can never quite find time to do any of it, what with all my dilly-dallying about on the internet, looking a strange facts and pretty pictures. i've spent a lot of time today reading about montreal...its history, its great summer events, its historic architecture and extreme hipness.
i may actually be developing a full-fledged blushing crush on montreal, though of course i realize she's a two-faced fair-weather kind of mate.
two degrees celcius seems to have warmed everyone's blood; everyone looks so happy all of a sudden, and so hopeful. it's strange how exciting it was the other day to feel sun on my face and then suddenly realize that it felt...warm! not very warm, but there was an unmistakable hint of something not cold. summer is coming! now we just have to wait for those 6 feet of snow to melt, and we're golden.
but yeah, i'm excited! montreal is slowly defrosting and it is crazy how palpable the anticipation is. it's really hard to concentrate on Apis mellifera and the various microsporidia that plague their bellies.
anyways, the point is, i am starting to remember what a procrastinator i am. i have incredible amounts of homework to do, and yet i can never quite find time to do any of it, what with all my dilly-dallying about on the internet, looking a strange facts and pretty pictures. i've spent a lot of time today reading about montreal...its history, its great summer events, its historic architecture and extreme hipness.
i may actually be developing a full-fledged blushing crush on montreal, though of course i realize she's a two-faced fair-weather kind of mate.
two degrees celcius seems to have warmed everyone's blood; everyone looks so happy all of a sudden, and so hopeful. it's strange how exciting it was the other day to feel sun on my face and then suddenly realize that it felt...warm! not very warm, but there was an unmistakable hint of something not cold. summer is coming! now we just have to wait for those 6 feet of snow to melt, and we're golden.
but yeah, i'm excited! montreal is slowly defrosting and it is crazy how palpable the anticipation is. it's really hard to concentrate on Apis mellifera and the various microsporidia that plague their bellies.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
choices choices
So. I am at a point where, despite being bogged down by school, i am also realizing that the end is nigh. Once again i am being ejected from the cozy womb of student life into the harsh and fluorescent-lighted world. Somehow i doubt there will be a doctor there to cut the umbilical cord in one easy stroke, nor loving parents ready to put up with my crying and whining and cater to my every whim. sigh.
anyways, what i'm trying to say with this lame analogy is I WANT MY MOM! but she's kinda far away and has her own things to worry about.
So i want to figure out my own life. 25 has in many ways felt ages older than 24. Suddenly i don't feel like it's ok to keep bumming around, meandering from idea to idea without following through on any of them. It feels too old to have big debts and little prospects. So i'm spending all my spare time looking for jobs, internships, apprenticeships, and sugar daddies. Unfortunately Matt doesn't seem into the whole paying-for-my-love thing, and since i'm kinda into monogamy looks like i may have to settle for the former three. double sigh.
But yeah, looking for jobs etc. means making decisions. And anyone who knows me - or has at least spent time in a restaurant/cafe/american apparel with me - knows that making decisions is not my forte. I HATE OPTIONS! (But of course i also deeply appreciate all the options i have in my life, and feel very grateful to be in the position i am in) But i still hate options.
So yes. yes yes yes. Time to get on with decisions. I am having an interview this week for a volunteer job that would take me kinda far away for a while, but could be very fulfilling. I am applying for all sorts of internships that range from leading environmental summer camps to farming to working for all sorts of NGO's to ... well, i don't know, some of them are harder to describe than others. I'm also hoping to apply for a bunch of CIDA internships whenever they post them.
Unfortunately all of these jobs seem to overlap, and none of them seem to allow me to stay in Montreal for the summer, which i would dearly like to do. A lot of them also seem to pay very little, if anything at all. I have started a new volunteer job that i enjoy and there are lots of things i want to get involved in here when the weather gets warm. I am looking forward to bringing my yellow bicycle out of retirement, too, and biking around the city with no coat, revelling in the well-earned warm breeze. Perhaps i'm just dreaming. Perhaps a summer here would be nothing but hard labor and no money or time to enjoy the city. But i kind of doubt summer in Montreal could be less than fabulous, really.
So what to do? Is it bad to pass up interesting jobs to enjoy a city while i can? Is it bad to take unpaid positions when i have a student loan hanging over my head? Is it wrong to fantasize about a summer of minimum wage when i should probably be moving on with my life? Am i getting too old to flit around like this? Is my acute sense of the briefness of life getting in the way of my enjoyment of the moment? When am i going to figure out what i want to "do" with my life? Why do i want to do so many things all at once, and which one is the best for me?
Truly, in the last month or so i have considered a career as a pastry chef, an organic farmer, an educator, a researcher, an activist, a housepainter, a waitress, a world leader, a biologist, a graphic novelist, a regular novelist, vandana shiva's personal assistant, a carpenter, a yoga instructor (ha! not in the shape i'm in!), an epidemiologist, a horticulturalist, a housewife, a lawyer, and a drug dealer.
Do you think these could all be combined into one super-career?
yarg.
anyways, what i'm trying to say with this lame analogy is I WANT MY MOM! but she's kinda far away and has her own things to worry about.
So i want to figure out my own life. 25 has in many ways felt ages older than 24. Suddenly i don't feel like it's ok to keep bumming around, meandering from idea to idea without following through on any of them. It feels too old to have big debts and little prospects. So i'm spending all my spare time looking for jobs, internships, apprenticeships, and sugar daddies. Unfortunately Matt doesn't seem into the whole paying-for-my-love thing, and since i'm kinda into monogamy looks like i may have to settle for the former three. double sigh.
But yeah, looking for jobs etc. means making decisions. And anyone who knows me - or has at least spent time in a restaurant/cafe/american apparel with me - knows that making decisions is not my forte. I HATE OPTIONS! (But of course i also deeply appreciate all the options i have in my life, and feel very grateful to be in the position i am in) But i still hate options.
So yes. yes yes yes. Time to get on with decisions. I am having an interview this week for a volunteer job that would take me kinda far away for a while, but could be very fulfilling. I am applying for all sorts of internships that range from leading environmental summer camps to farming to working for all sorts of NGO's to ... well, i don't know, some of them are harder to describe than others. I'm also hoping to apply for a bunch of CIDA internships whenever they post them.
Unfortunately all of these jobs seem to overlap, and none of them seem to allow me to stay in Montreal for the summer, which i would dearly like to do. A lot of them also seem to pay very little, if anything at all. I have started a new volunteer job that i enjoy and there are lots of things i want to get involved in here when the weather gets warm. I am looking forward to bringing my yellow bicycle out of retirement, too, and biking around the city with no coat, revelling in the well-earned warm breeze. Perhaps i'm just dreaming. Perhaps a summer here would be nothing but hard labor and no money or time to enjoy the city. But i kind of doubt summer in Montreal could be less than fabulous, really.
So what to do? Is it bad to pass up interesting jobs to enjoy a city while i can? Is it bad to take unpaid positions when i have a student loan hanging over my head? Is it wrong to fantasize about a summer of minimum wage when i should probably be moving on with my life? Am i getting too old to flit around like this? Is my acute sense of the briefness of life getting in the way of my enjoyment of the moment? When am i going to figure out what i want to "do" with my life? Why do i want to do so many things all at once, and which one is the best for me?
Truly, in the last month or so i have considered a career as a pastry chef, an organic farmer, an educator, a researcher, an activist, a housepainter, a waitress, a world leader, a biologist, a graphic novelist, a regular novelist, vandana shiva's personal assistant, a carpenter, a yoga instructor (ha! not in the shape i'm in!), an epidemiologist, a horticulturalist, a housewife, a lawyer, and a drug dealer.
Do you think these could all be combined into one super-career?
yarg.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
little town full of little people...
i stole this off my cousin's facebook - it's too good to keep to myself:
http://little-people.blogspot.com/
oh yeah, and check this new song. gosh i adore that little pixie.
http://little-people.blogspot.com/
oh yeah, and check this new song. gosh i adore that little pixie.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
apparently i have asian roots...
so, i was reading eben's blog about the root of harmony's name and decided to look up my own name. i was surprised to find that kerria is not only a flowering japanese bush (kerria japonica) but also a resin-secreting insect (kerria lacca, also known as kerria lacca lacca, or lakshadia indica). its secretion, 'lac', is used to create a scarlet (like my hair!) pigment and the end product of shellac for varnish. it is also used as an anti-obesity drug. this insect is native to India, China and South East Asia.
According to the ever-reliable wikipedia, "[lac] has a mention in the ancient Vedic book called the Manusmrti, or the 'Laws of Manu'. This book is the source of all the laws regarding caste in India. It lays down who can eat with whom, who can marry whom, who can touch whom; and it also lays down how those who infringe those laws should be punished. Thus, for example, it is decreed: "XII. 4. If the shudra [a member of the labouring caste, or an Untouchable] intentionally listens for committing to memory the Veda, then his ears should be filled with molten lead and lac; if he utters the Veda, then his tongue should be cut off; if he has mastered the Veda his body should be cut to pieces."
hmmmm...
i also spent some time a couple of months ago searching for other kerrias on facebook, and found that it seems to be popular in the states as a middle name or in an altered state: sha'kerria, for example.
maybe i should change my name to sha'kerria.
According to the ever-reliable wikipedia, "[lac] has a mention in the ancient Vedic book called the Manusmrti, or the 'Laws of Manu'. This book is the source of all the laws regarding caste in India. It lays down who can eat with whom, who can marry whom, who can touch whom; and it also lays down how those who infringe those laws should be punished. Thus, for example, it is decreed: "XII. 4. If the shudra [a member of the labouring caste, or an Untouchable] intentionally listens for committing to memory the Veda, then his ears should be filled with molten lead and lac; if he utters the Veda, then his tongue should be cut off; if he has mastered the Veda his body should be cut to pieces."
hmmmm...
i also spent some time a couple of months ago searching for other kerrias on facebook, and found that it seems to be popular in the states as a middle name or in an altered state: sha'kerria, for example.
maybe i should change my name to sha'kerria.
Friday, February 08, 2008
sow your seeds, little ones...
school at once inspires and repulses me. i love some things, i hate others. i hate the meaningless discussions of structure and theory, when it doesn't come hand in hand with some sort of reality to ground it in. what is the use of discussing a theory without asking how it fits into the world?
maybe this is why i love my environment classes. some of it is observational - earth crusts and wave motion and the movement of sediment from one side of a continent to the other and how the ocean revolves around us and gives us life(amazing!). some of it is how to take the theories and thoughts and ideas of hundreds of years and use it for something positive. funny how unique this seems in university. i don't seem to recall any other realm that ever said "ok, let's discuss compassion and how to make this world more compassionate and gentle", rather than merely "let's discuss theories of ethics, development, poverty, health...". perhaps it is a given that you will use this knowledge to change the world around you. but should this be a given? should we be able to gnaw our ways through four years of university classes without once being told - "this is not for naught! take this and sow it, use it to make the world a more beautiful place!"
perhaps that would not be a good thing either. in fact it sounds downright evangelical. and of course i realize that 'good' is subjective and has been twisted for nefarious purposes. but perhaps compassion and generosity are better words. perhaps this is what is lacking: i rarely heard anyone discuss those words in university, nor their importance - not in a classroom setting, anyway. i just remember a book my mom and dad used to read me called 'the lupine lady', in which the main character is taught as a little girl by her grandfather that in order to live a full life she must leave the world a more beautiful place than before. and she spends many years doing exciting things and traveling the world and living a happy life, but never feels that she has left a more beautiful earth behind her. so finally she decides to plant lupines everywhere and leave the hillsides blue-purple-pink.
i guess what i mean by all this is that university seems to teach us, for the most part, how to make our own lives better. it gives us 'tools' (as they say) for the 'real world' (as they say). it gives us a zingy resume, the ability to think quickly and sharply and sometimes critically so that we are wonderfully 'hireable'. it gives us the ability to regurgitate a million times over the thoughts of others, but for the most part our own thoughts and creativity are not seen to be part of the process. and simplicity is never rewarded. nobody ever says that it is admirable to be without ambition, that planting flowers and trees and food is a noble pursuit, or that gentleness and kindness and a compassionate ethic is more important than personal success.
and i guess that a book i read when i was five left me a more generous person than unviersity ever did, and this seems sad. something so simple can make the world more lovely for others, but i feel like all we ever think about (myself included) is how to make the world better for ourselves. so yeah, i'm stoked that i'm taking classes that discuss how to bring compassion and empathy back into a world where the dominant and applauded ideology is individual gain. and the people in my class are all so excited, so involved, so young and wide-eyed and kind. we are being asked in a 200 level class to examine our desires and needs, to examine how we treat the world around us and finally to use this knowledge to build a noble life. i feel inspired by this.
i can't wait to be a farmer.
maybe this is why i love my environment classes. some of it is observational - earth crusts and wave motion and the movement of sediment from one side of a continent to the other and how the ocean revolves around us and gives us life(amazing!). some of it is how to take the theories and thoughts and ideas of hundreds of years and use it for something positive. funny how unique this seems in university. i don't seem to recall any other realm that ever said "ok, let's discuss compassion and how to make this world more compassionate and gentle", rather than merely "let's discuss theories of ethics, development, poverty, health...". perhaps it is a given that you will use this knowledge to change the world around you. but should this be a given? should we be able to gnaw our ways through four years of university classes without once being told - "this is not for naught! take this and sow it, use it to make the world a more beautiful place!"
perhaps that would not be a good thing either. in fact it sounds downright evangelical. and of course i realize that 'good' is subjective and has been twisted for nefarious purposes. but perhaps compassion and generosity are better words. perhaps this is what is lacking: i rarely heard anyone discuss those words in university, nor their importance - not in a classroom setting, anyway. i just remember a book my mom and dad used to read me called 'the lupine lady', in which the main character is taught as a little girl by her grandfather that in order to live a full life she must leave the world a more beautiful place than before. and she spends many years doing exciting things and traveling the world and living a happy life, but never feels that she has left a more beautiful earth behind her. so finally she decides to plant lupines everywhere and leave the hillsides blue-purple-pink.
i guess what i mean by all this is that university seems to teach us, for the most part, how to make our own lives better. it gives us 'tools' (as they say) for the 'real world' (as they say). it gives us a zingy resume, the ability to think quickly and sharply and sometimes critically so that we are wonderfully 'hireable'. it gives us the ability to regurgitate a million times over the thoughts of others, but for the most part our own thoughts and creativity are not seen to be part of the process. and simplicity is never rewarded. nobody ever says that it is admirable to be without ambition, that planting flowers and trees and food is a noble pursuit, or that gentleness and kindness and a compassionate ethic is more important than personal success.
and i guess that a book i read when i was five left me a more generous person than unviersity ever did, and this seems sad. something so simple can make the world more lovely for others, but i feel like all we ever think about (myself included) is how to make the world better for ourselves. so yeah, i'm stoked that i'm taking classes that discuss how to bring compassion and empathy back into a world where the dominant and applauded ideology is individual gain. and the people in my class are all so excited, so involved, so young and wide-eyed and kind. we are being asked in a 200 level class to examine our desires and needs, to examine how we treat the world around us and finally to use this knowledge to build a noble life. i feel inspired by this.
i can't wait to be a farmer.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
birthdays are for suckers
t'is the new year, and a new school year, and a new age that sounds much too old. twenty five. yuck. apparently this is the year my metabolism will shut down and i will acquire a booty and some hips. crossing my fingers.
anyways, had a nice birthday. the weather was veritably balmy here; we walked all the way downtown and i even felt a bit overheated. weird. but anyways, matt and i wandered around and decided to stop at the National Film Board 'Cineroboteque', where you watch movies on a robot! well, sort of. but they have all the NFB films you could ever desire to see and you just scroll through and watch whatever yer heart desires. and it was free! (we watched a really good animated short - 'the danish poet', as well as a rather odd and creepy one called 'madame tutli-putli'). when we finally emerged from the belly of the robot we were itching for some caffeine, and what beverage is more potent than the thick deliciousness of vietnamese coffee, complete with a fat dose of sugary sugary condensed milk? mmm. we then spent some time perusing indigo's travel section, where we oohed and ahhed over pretty pictures and dreamed about a life without exams and work and hot water. oooooo. ahhhhhh. damn my life.
anyways, the caffeine hangover kicked in about an hour later and the store became a bit depressing, so onto beer! had a few drinks, a delicious indian dinner, then some mojitos, some hanging out, some bed. then a nice short nap, and then a rather abrasive phone call from some drunken hippies, then back to sleep. happy birthday me.
and now school has started, and the twenty-five-years-old-and-what-the-eff-am- i-doing-with-my-life doldrums have started too. goddammed expensive bloody mcgill. godamned pessimist me.
anyways, had a nice birthday. the weather was veritably balmy here; we walked all the way downtown and i even felt a bit overheated. weird. but anyways, matt and i wandered around and decided to stop at the National Film Board 'Cineroboteque', where you watch movies on a robot! well, sort of. but they have all the NFB films you could ever desire to see and you just scroll through and watch whatever yer heart desires. and it was free! (we watched a really good animated short - 'the danish poet', as well as a rather odd and creepy one called 'madame tutli-putli'). when we finally emerged from the belly of the robot we were itching for some caffeine, and what beverage is more potent than the thick deliciousness of vietnamese coffee, complete with a fat dose of sugary sugary condensed milk? mmm. we then spent some time perusing indigo's travel section, where we oohed and ahhed over pretty pictures and dreamed about a life without exams and work and hot water. oooooo. ahhhhhh. damn my life.
anyways, the caffeine hangover kicked in about an hour later and the store became a bit depressing, so onto beer! had a few drinks, a delicious indian dinner, then some mojitos, some hanging out, some bed. then a nice short nap, and then a rather abrasive phone call from some drunken hippies, then back to sleep. happy birthday me.
and now school has started, and the twenty-five-years-old-and-what-the-eff-am- i-doing-with-my-life doldrums have started too. goddammed expensive bloody mcgill. godamned pessimist me.
Monday, December 17, 2007
walking even with the builder of the universe...
From Walden:
"beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes."
* * * *
"...if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
* * * *
"The cost of a thing is the amount of life that must be exchanged for it."
* * * *
"When I had caught and cleaned and cooked and eaten my fish, they seemed not to have fed me essentially. It was insignificant and unnecessary, and cost more than it came to..The repugnance to animal food is not the effect of experience, but is an instinct...I believe that every man who has ever been earnest to preserve his higher or poetic faculties in the best condition has been particularly inclined to abstain from animal food, and from much food of any kind... Whatever my own practice may be, i have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals."
* * * *
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal - that is your success. All nature is your contgratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which i have clutched."
* * * *
"Only that days dawns to which we are awake. There is more day to dawn. The sun is but a morning star."
"beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes."
* * * *
"...if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
* * * *
"The cost of a thing is the amount of life that must be exchanged for it."
* * * *
"When I had caught and cleaned and cooked and eaten my fish, they seemed not to have fed me essentially. It was insignificant and unnecessary, and cost more than it came to..The repugnance to animal food is not the effect of experience, but is an instinct...I believe that every man who has ever been earnest to preserve his higher or poetic faculties in the best condition has been particularly inclined to abstain from animal food, and from much food of any kind... Whatever my own practice may be, i have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals."
* * * *
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal - that is your success. All nature is your contgratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which i have clutched."
* * * *
"Only that days dawns to which we are awake. There is more day to dawn. The sun is but a morning star."
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Alone, alone, about a dreadful wood...
well, it seems that exam period turns me into a daily blogger, with or without an audience.
So, i am officially the queen of procrastination. three exams to go before thursday, and i have spent most of today reading the newspaper, baking goodies, daydreaming, watching the snowstorm ebb and flow outside, playing scrabble on the internet, looking up useless facts, checking my email, and occasionally reading over old ones. I found a gem of an email from this wonderful japanese guy i met in thailand, where, among other awesome things, he wrote:
"You have splendid sensitivity and good looks like a fairy"
how can a gal not be flattered by such compliments?
oh engrish.
oh asia...
So, i am officially the queen of procrastination. three exams to go before thursday, and i have spent most of today reading the newspaper, baking goodies, daydreaming, watching the snowstorm ebb and flow outside, playing scrabble on the internet, looking up useless facts, checking my email, and occasionally reading over old ones. I found a gem of an email from this wonderful japanese guy i met in thailand, where, among other awesome things, he wrote:
"You have splendid sensitivity and good looks like a fairy"
how can a gal not be flattered by such compliments?
oh engrish.
oh asia...
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
bringin' back sweet memories...
so, i spent a good hour or two last night reading old emails from asia, up late and unable or unwilling to sleep. little bits of inspiration have come over me this week, probably because i finally have a bit of breathing room, what with classes over and my next exam not until monday. school simultaneously inspires and quashes inspiration; i am too busy for any thought-out-thoughts of my own, but also forced to devote myself to one topic for a length of time, which rarely happens when left to my own scattered and indecisive devices.
reading those emails brought a lot of things to the forefront. there was a lot of warm laughter, a lot of nostalgia, but also a lot of reality. distance makes the heart grow fonder, and often the sweetest memories are the ones i remember from traveling while i forget about the month of invalidity, of lying sweat-soaked on mysteriously stained sheets staring at dirty walls and dreading my next questionably sanitary meal, dreading my next violent bout of vomiting. and i forget those long days of loneliness when i would read book after book, write email after email, trying to fill the void where friends were lacking.
but the good memories are so very good. i feel like i don't have such good stories to tell here, because people - strange ones, boring ones, wild ones alike - simply don't reach out in the same way, and nor do i have the push to do so. i find it hard to reach out here, i find it hard to quickly match steps with someone, to relate. i also find myself turning a bit cold and hardened - perhaps it's all this snow. i was told that i recently seemed "bitter and not too friendly" towards a friend, and this has really made me think. this is not the person i want to be, and this is not how i was feeling at the time, despite outward appearances - in fact mostly i was feeling really happy to have a close friend around. but this is something i have recognised in myself lately: a sort of coldness directed towards the world, and a pendulum of emotions that come out as drastic ups and downs. i have been feeling something changed in me, some warmth is seeping out, perhaps because i don't have as many places to put it these days - only so much of your love can go to a single person, no matter how great that person is, and friendships are so important to me as a solid foundation for everything else.
i think what all this is pointing to is my need for a solid sense of groundedness. slowly but surely i am feeling more at home here, making small friendships here and there, but what is lacking is a commitment to this place. i think a lot lately about packing up my bags and flying off to some place or another again, to live that uncertain but ever-exciting life; and maybe i will, but i also feel the need for a change here, o an eventual return to my life in b.c., whether in vancouver or victoria, a return to that foundation of family and friends and those that are somewhere in between. or maybe just start trying harder to make that here, to get involved and be part of this place instead of feeling like a passer-through, a tumbleweed, a complete unknown with no direction home...
i wish i knew how to start that process in a meaningful way, and i wish i knew how to turn off this coldness that occasionally rears its head, but hey, life is for learning. i'm sure we all go through these phases of wondering where exactly our lives are at, where they are going, and what it all means anyway. oh life.
reading those emails brought a lot of things to the forefront. there was a lot of warm laughter, a lot of nostalgia, but also a lot of reality. distance makes the heart grow fonder, and often the sweetest memories are the ones i remember from traveling while i forget about the month of invalidity, of lying sweat-soaked on mysteriously stained sheets staring at dirty walls and dreading my next questionably sanitary meal, dreading my next violent bout of vomiting. and i forget those long days of loneliness when i would read book after book, write email after email, trying to fill the void where friends were lacking.
but the good memories are so very good. i feel like i don't have such good stories to tell here, because people - strange ones, boring ones, wild ones alike - simply don't reach out in the same way, and nor do i have the push to do so. i find it hard to reach out here, i find it hard to quickly match steps with someone, to relate. i also find myself turning a bit cold and hardened - perhaps it's all this snow. i was told that i recently seemed "bitter and not too friendly" towards a friend, and this has really made me think. this is not the person i want to be, and this is not how i was feeling at the time, despite outward appearances - in fact mostly i was feeling really happy to have a close friend around. but this is something i have recognised in myself lately: a sort of coldness directed towards the world, and a pendulum of emotions that come out as drastic ups and downs. i have been feeling something changed in me, some warmth is seeping out, perhaps because i don't have as many places to put it these days - only so much of your love can go to a single person, no matter how great that person is, and friendships are so important to me as a solid foundation for everything else.
i think what all this is pointing to is my need for a solid sense of groundedness. slowly but surely i am feeling more at home here, making small friendships here and there, but what is lacking is a commitment to this place. i think a lot lately about packing up my bags and flying off to some place or another again, to live that uncertain but ever-exciting life; and maybe i will, but i also feel the need for a change here, o an eventual return to my life in b.c., whether in vancouver or victoria, a return to that foundation of family and friends and those that are somewhere in between. or maybe just start trying harder to make that here, to get involved and be part of this place instead of feeling like a passer-through, a tumbleweed, a complete unknown with no direction home...
i wish i knew how to start that process in a meaningful way, and i wish i knew how to turn off this coldness that occasionally rears its head, but hey, life is for learning. i'm sure we all go through these phases of wondering where exactly our lives are at, where they are going, and what it all means anyway. oh life.
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