a love-hate relationship

so. udaipur... what to say about this place? so far i have had my best and worst experiences here - in india, and possibly my life.

this town, as jessy (my partner in crime for the past couple weeks) has pointed out, is mainly about nice views and climbing stairs.
the first day we arrived was the first day of holi, which is a magnificent festival that we absolutely must bring to canada. we were invited to celebrate with the family of a friend we met on the train. they were absolutely lovely and welcoming, making us a delicious dinner and making us feel like honored guests.

the next day was the culmination of holi, where absolutely everyone gets covered in color. i stepped out into the streets and within seconds i was blueyellowpinkgreen. i was also, however, surrounded by packs of men who finally had an excuse to place their hands wherever the hell they wanted while i stood trapped and furious. needless to say i returned to the guesthouse pretty quickly to watch from the sidelines, until a family living nextdoor invited us in to sit with them while the women sang and the men socialised... this, however did not last long, and before we knew what was happening the kids had all grabbed buckets and were making for the hose... helped to wash off some of the color though. quite hilarious watching these digified women in saries getting attacked by dignified old men in their sunday best, everyone laughing hysterically - especially when me and jessy got held down and attacked from all sides.

later we went back to lokesh's family where all the kids were adorably excited to see us again and cover us (again) with color. we ended up having a big hindi dance party in the living room, with me and jessy awkwardly trying to imitate the graceful and totally beautiful dancing of the women in the family. later, we went and saw the sights of udaipur from the back of a motorbike - the aftermath of holi is quite a sight, with drains running with blue and red, men with green hair, multi -colored cows...

so, these are the things and days and experiences that make it all worthwhile. and yet, it is impossible to forget that i am a woman here, impossible to forget that as a western woman travelling in india i am seen as many things and few of them are based on my wonderful personality. i am money(come see my shop?) , i am status (please, one photo?) and i am sex. (hello madam. very beautiful! hisshiss). it can sometimes be ignored but other days it is just too depressing to let it slide. i have been sad to discover in the last few days that even my own instincts cannot be trusted, that people are never as they seem and the stereotype into which i am pigeon-holed is never far from the surface. i have learned that making friends with indian men is not the same as making friends with canadaian men, and that cultural differences can be totally overwhelming and impossible to overcome. never in my life have i felt so violated, so invaded as in this country. as noah will attest to, there have been days where i have felt like all the good things about india can be ecliipsed by a single incident, a single hand reaching where it could never go in canada without a law suit.

one thing which i find interesting is that is doesn't seem to be so much indian culture that is to blame as it is western culture. it is the way that women are constructed in popular culture and media in north america that creates the strange and offensive ideas that most men under thirty here seem to have about us roaming females. (the sexual repression of young people here, however, is certainly a factor) this is something i think we all need to think about in a society where we are becoming apathetic, where many people think that women's rights and human rights have reached their pinnacle and that we are as progressive as you can get. (this, in a culture where women are still shown in their panties on tv magazine covers movies newspapers, where women are still valued culturally for their youth and beauty rather than their identities, their humanness, where i know women who feel that they are only valuable and attractive when some trashyboy thinks they're hot) and this is exacly it - because of these portrayals i am not seen as being totally human here by men but rather as a sexual object to be possessed. sickening. being here has, paradoxically, made me think more and more about how much further we have to progress in canada, and how much work needs to be done to open people's eyes. apathy, apathy...

well, what else can i say? there are days that are indescribably beautiful, where india opens up beyond the tourist walls and i can catch precious glimpses into this fabulous culture. and other days i just want to crawl under a rock, or get a sex change. for now, i will just take out my frustrations here, and hopefully that will be enough to get me through the hard days. (christina, i wish you could be here sometimes to discuss and scream about this with me!)

love you all, and appreciating all of your fabulous intelligent empathetic and critical minds.

hugs and misses