city, rain

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some olden golden footage

carabeeners, mole rats, swordfights and the ever sexy abe lincoln...

so. i've been in a pretty good mood today. is it the thought of mole-rats and their cute little beady eyes and jaws of steel? is it that i get paid to walk in parks? or is it maybe, just maybe, the energy waves of millions of orgasms occurring around the world all at once?

whew. hot.

so, here's what's been happening in my life in the last while:
visitors have come from across the sea; they have bundled and bumbled their respective ways into my home, they have curled up/passed out in my bed, on my couch, on my floor. they have startled my roomate, cleaned my dishes, eaten my food, gotten drunk and most of all have kept me entertained and happy for the last week. thanks guys!

had a potluck on monday which seemed to be the culmination day of visitors visiting. it felt a little odd that most of the people in my house were from victoria. it's confusing when people move out of context and spill into different worlds, but nice too. we had a giant communal meal, impressively and consistently yummy.

i also went to a party full of robust young tree planters, gangsters in chains and hipsters in jaunty hats, spiral staircases, simulated swordfights. there was even a man draped in carabeeners who sported a first aid kit at the hip. we had an awkward conversation about knives. i spent most of the night hiding behind pamela, vanessa, meg, the stairs, anything for the love of god.

i always think i'll like parties. then i get there, feel awkward, talk only to those i know, drink way too much, giggle, go home.

on wednesday vanessa was here and we had a fun evening out with a random group of good solid nerdy people. the conversation ranged from sexy lobsters to threesome propositions to comic books, and so much more in between. t'was a good time needless to say. the only blip in the evening was when i was called "the commercial drive type". good thing i'm a forgiving person...

oh the holidays. whatever will i do when my social life wiggles back into whatever hole it came crawling out of? back to long walks, coffee shops, quiet mornings and long blog rants.

meh, it won't be so bad. or even so different.

an update for the sake of updating:

today was filled with coddling crying cooing baby tears. why do they cry so much? how do they cry so much?

today was filled with couch naps, quick snacks, and the sadness of leaving. somehow today decided to be the day that the emptiness of all this leaving struck me down. the flip-side of the happiness of all these visitors became apparent. what is good must return to whence it came.

this fragmented community is making me so sad. why do we all feel the need to leave each other in so many ways?

raise a tent of shelter now

yikes, what a storm. my roommate and i congregated eerily, sleepily, simultaneously at the window at four a.m., watching the trees bow almost to the ground in some exclusionary reverence, some ceremony to which we bore witness but could not understand...

i found it hard to sleep as the creaky house i call home swayed and croaked; as wiggly tree fingers tap-tapped on my shuddering window... eep! hid my head under my blanket, felt so much like a child. felt suddenly so small against the backdrop of an entire universe that i will never fully understand...

chapters one and too

it suddenly struck me that christmas is nigh. so very nigh. today is, what, the 14th? how did this happen? i am always so unprepared for everything that crosses my path. i look up from my coffee, my book, and wham! i realize that life goes on even when i'm not paying attention, which is frequently.

but it's not too late, i suppose, to join in the merriment. this coming week should be a very whirlwind of merriment, in fact. potlucks, dress-up parties, lantern festivals, craft-makin' and bread-bakin' - and so much visiting. i can hardly wait.


* * * * * * * * * * *


so. last night i spent the good part of three hours on the telephone having this twisting tornado of a conversation with eben. a lot of this conversation seemed to revolve around the ways in which we change, in which we ebb and flow...

(an aside - last tuesday eb was introduced to a girl named flo. it made my night)

...and today i'm thinking a lot about the ways in which we become different people made up of different tangible and intangible material from year to year. being human is such an effin mystery, such madness! we are born, we obsess about every silly detail of our self-obsessed lives, we slump around these man-made worlds, occasionally looking up and around in wonder, and then we look back down into our little worlds, obsess some more about weird human constructs such as money, romance, art... and then eventually we die. and what was it all for?

one question i posed to eb was this: what, exactly, would you talk about if you knew you were going to die in, say, five days? how could you not realize how pointless everything is? how could you not realize how almight important every little thing is? and what do you say anymore to those you love? how much of our lives revolve around our futures, around avoiding the frightening reality that all we have is now? (as the flaming lips once said) and once that future is removed how do we keep from drowning in the present; that moment that we struggle so much to avoid?

oh, i know, i know, i digress. and perhaps 23 is a little too young to obsess about mortality. but it's there, and maybe if we think about these things enough we can find a way of accepting them and making our lives less of a distraction, more of a life.

who knows.

well, any thoughts?

rely a bit too heavily on alcohol and irony

oh, so much drinking. an amusing 'mod' evening in which an odd assortment of friends and acquaintances gathered together, got drunk, sat on strangers' laps, had "one night stands" with their boyfriends, danced to motown, played with their cellphones, made new friends in the loo, and eventually moaned in a drunken stupor. i somehow coerced some friends into sharing a cab with me despite their living on the opposite side of town which means i am apparently good at convincing drunk people to do silly things. perhaps this is an applicable skill for the apocalypse?

and today is seemingly a write-off. my brain doesn't seem to be working well. i made the strangest breakfast that began as an omelette and ended as a strange vegetable-polenta-tortilla-potato-parmesan-o-rama. it took me over an hour to make (mainly because i couldn't quite decide what i was making until i got too tired to continue and just ate it) but happily it was kind of good hangover food. i don't think i could ever recreate it though, which is too bad cause it looked grossly weird enough to be included in the cookbook that is in the works. (for those of you who don't know it will be a book of delicious items that look extremely unappetizing. the purpose of this book is to save people money by preventing others from eating their food without looking like a stingy bastard. and no, allen's (in)famous cottage cheese jello casserole cannot be included because it tastes as revolting as it looks. sorry al)

well, as i said my brain is really not working well. i'm having a lot of trouble spelling which is a very serious matter indeed.

hydrocephalitic listlessness

one thing i've noticed lately: i have stopped writing in my journal religiously, only occasionally opening its holy pages to read over, think, and scribble a few awkward lines. and i think perhaps this site may have something to do with that.

but then, as eben says, i write even in my own journal as though for an audience, so perhaps i may as well have one...

spent the morning at my kitchen table, spying once again but mostly reading this incredible epic article about joanna newsom (tonight i see her!). anyone who doesn't quite believe in her should definitely read this article... i sat for an hour afterwards just listening to her new album and crying and feeling so... so... well, you know. that way that you feel when you hear incredible music that touches something personal, something specific in your life. there's probably a term for it, or should be.

i perhaps have a new job as a nanny. not sure how i feel about having yet another sporatic (?) job with random hours. i'm finding it harder and harder to have a routine, which i realized while traveling is something i desperately love. morning coffee and reading is still a go, so that's something. i'm grateful for my ability to wake up slow even while employed; to have a few hours to stare at the wall and ponder the intricacies of life and death and music. but i'm finding it hard to enjoy all this free time to its fullest when i'm always stressed about Money and my Future and all that other stuff that takes over.

so, any ideas kids? for Money, for My Future?

and contemplating christmas this morning too. family and friends and that warm glow; and also the recent fallability i've discovered in those i believed to be infallible throughout my childhood. maybe not so much fallability as vulnerability, which is perhaps worse. getting older is so strange. my love for everyone is changing, becoming more complicated but maybe stronger.

well, anyways, christmas comes and even though i'm not making christmas cards i'm definitely feeling infinitely older this time around. wiser? weathered? not too sure. maybe just different.