spent the weekend in london. ontario. it was one of those towns that feels oppressive in its shittiness, in its lack of life or community or culture, full of ghost-stores long abandoned and consistently bad restaurants. it was a pretty unpleasant place, but i got to spend the weekend with my family, including my 95 year old grandma. she is still looking good, though she is a little deaf which makes conversations tricky. ("HI GRANDMA, YOU LOOK NICE!!!" "Oh, no ice thank you dear") made me think a lot about getting old, and what it would (will?) be like. imagine being 95! she has no living siblings, her parents and husband are long gone, and of course most of her friends died a long time ago (but she still has all her teeth, as she will tell you). it seems so lonely to me, but i guess everyone has a desire to live, no matter what the circumstances. i wonder why? what is it about being alive that's so great? or perhaps conversely what is so frightening about death? will i accept my mortality by the time i'm that age? does anyone ever accept it?
ah well, i can't help but believe that it is unlikely i'll make it that far, what with the million different ways we've fucked up the planet.
ok, anyways, i'm done with the doom and gloom. onwards and upwards.
it was really nice to see my family over the weekend and it made me realize that i really miss the company of people i feel comfortable around. i've been so busy that i wasn't feeling it too much, but that warm fuzzy feeling of family was enough to make me very homesick (despite the usual madness that is the gray family together in one room). and not just homesick for close friendship but homesick for that feeling of being surrounded by people who know your history and understand your humor, your asides. i dunno, i think a lot of the time too my sadness is more for things in the past than for things at a geographical distance. being at university surrounded by undergrads makes me miss that excitement of my first time around, before i realized that i would indeed have to leave school at some point and that it wouldn't be pretty. i miss my rose-tinted glasses! where did they go??!!!
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"On the weird winds of Ontario, came worry sailing strange and low. And we laid under the heavy sheets to love to spite the strange winds blowing. To lust with raging lungs. What hangs above when we love in fear? Don't take me to the hospital. Don't tie me to the wires. Just kiss me on a rooftop. It's for us. It's a red light flashing under helicopters of desire. Red light: It's for us."
that's about all that i know about ontario.
o, and also:
'blackflies, little blackflies, always the blackflies wherever you go, i'll die with the blackflies picking my bones in north ontario-io, in north ontario"
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