bringin' back sweet memories...

so, i spent a good hour or two last night reading old emails from asia, up late and unable or unwilling to sleep. little bits of inspiration have come over me this week, probably because i finally have a bit of breathing room, what with classes over and my next exam not until monday. school simultaneously inspires and quashes inspiration; i am too busy for any thought-out-thoughts of my own, but also forced to devote myself to one topic for a length of time, which rarely happens when left to my own scattered and indecisive devices.

reading those emails brought a lot of things to the forefront. there was a lot of warm laughter, a lot of nostalgia, but also a lot of reality. distance makes the heart grow fonder, and often the sweetest memories are the ones i remember from traveling while i forget about the month of invalidity, of lying sweat-soaked on mysteriously stained sheets staring at dirty walls and dreading my next questionably sanitary meal, dreading my next violent bout of vomiting. and i forget those long days of loneliness when i would read book after book, write email after email, trying to fill the void where friends were lacking.

but the good memories are so very good. i feel like i don't have such good stories to tell here, because people - strange ones, boring ones, wild ones alike - simply don't reach out in the same way, and nor do i have the push to do so. i find it hard to reach out here, i find it hard to quickly match steps with someone, to relate. i also find myself turning a bit cold and hardened - perhaps it's all this snow. i was told that i recently seemed "bitter and not too friendly" towards a friend, and this has really made me think. this is not the person i want to be, and this is not how i was feeling at the time, despite outward appearances - in fact mostly i was feeling really happy to have a close friend around. but this is something i have recognised in myself lately: a sort of coldness directed towards the world, and a pendulum of emotions that come out as drastic ups and downs. i have been feeling something changed in me, some warmth is seeping out, perhaps because i don't have as many places to put it these days - only so much of your love can go to a single person, no matter how great that person is, and friendships are so important to me as a solid foundation for everything else.

i think what all this is pointing to is my need for a solid sense of groundedness. slowly but surely i am feeling more at home here, making small friendships here and there, but what is lacking is a commitment to this place. i think a lot lately about packing up my bags and flying off to some place or another again, to live that uncertain but ever-exciting life; and maybe i will, but i also feel the need for a change here, o an eventual return to my life in b.c., whether in vancouver or victoria, a return to that foundation of family and friends and those that are somewhere in between. or maybe just start trying harder to make that here, to get involved and be part of this place instead of feeling like a passer-through, a tumbleweed, a complete unknown with no direction home...

i wish i knew how to start that process in a meaningful way, and i wish i knew how to turn off this coldness that occasionally rears its head, but hey, life is for learning. i'm sure we all go through these phases of wondering where exactly our lives are at, where they are going, and what it all means anyway. oh life.