some recent thoughts and decisions

i have finally come to a concrete decision, and now that it's made i feel much better. i will be flying home to vancouver on august 23rd, and that is that. i realized in the last week that i have always wanted to come home, but my hesitation was a result of that nagging voice telling me what i should do rather than acknowledging what i wanted, deep down:

i should stay here while i can.
i should work on my french more.
i should remember that i may never get to live here again.
i should try to get to know all the people i have met here better.
i should explore the east more.
i should save more money to pay off my loan.

and so on. and so it goes.

but now that the decision is made, i feel a sense of relief, i feel a weight lifted. i have been worrying and weighing this decision daily. each morning i have been waking up and saying to myself "which way are you leaning today?" the anxiety was keeping me up at night. and now, presto, i have decided. and i am looking forward to starting a life that is a bit more permanent than the one i have been living for the last three years or so. i plan to plant some herbs, some flowers. i plan to paint my room. i plan to have dinner parties. i plan to start working towards a career that will make me happy, or at least not miserable.

i am thinking seriously of applying for teacher's college, to become a teacher of kidlets. i don't know if this will fit me yet, but i have had some great conversations lately about education as a possible career path. my mother, of course, has been pushing for this for quite some time, but, being my mother, it is harder to see her advice as objective. i have also been talking a lot with the woman i work for, and it has definitely made me see that teaching as a profession gives you a lot of freedom, a lot of space to nurture creativity and passion and caring. this is important to me: i don't want to go into teaching only to discover that i have made no difference in the lives of any of my students. i don't want to be an automaton spouting off figures and facts. i don't want to be rigidly constrained by curriculums, bureaucracy, or conservative values. but my view of teaching has definitely been changed by speaking with her, and with my mother, and by simply thinking about some of the teachers i loved when i was growing up. by seeing all the former students who still remember my mom, even twenty years later. speaking with meggie, too, has been interesting. she too has decided to follow this path, after years of dreaming of a career in cooking. and her reasons are not merely practical: they are informed by the lives of her two teacher parents; by the people they have touched and by their outlooks on life, the lifestyle they maintained as teachers. and remembering how much time my mama could spend with me and my sister and my dad every summer. remembering our month-long trips in the volkswagon every summer that were, in hindsight, exceptional in a day and age when two weeks off a year is the average. it is a good life, i think. two months off a year to pursue other interests, other endeavours, to spend with people you love - not to mention all the other holidays smatter-scattered through the year. a two-month holiday is a big thing.

so, i'm still not sure this is what i want, but i do know that i don't want a job that involves staring at a computer screen for eight hours a day, no matter how much good i might be doing for the world. it is important to me to be active, to be doing something that involves some creativity, some inspiration. and kids do indeed inspire me. i love the energy and excitement that kids bring to things. i have never once dreaded going to any of my jobs that have involved children. i always leave in a better mood than i have started. i guess the question, however, has never been whether i want to work with kids: i do. the question has always been: in what capacity, in what context? what i have wanted the most to do is to combine my interest in environment, agriculture and politics with my interest in education. and that is possible, i know, but is it practical? can i bring my other interests into a classroom setting?

anyways, these are things i have been putting a lot of thought into lately. i know that i would probably love teaching, and i hope that i could be good at it. and i know that whatever career path i finally end up on, i will always be able to pursue the things i want to pursue outside of that. it is good to remember that.

move it on over

well, it's official folks. i am now a member of the 21st century. though my cell phone has been out of commission for a year i now own one pretty little white macbook and one shiny black i-touch. i know money can't buy you happiness, but this cute-as-a-button little laptop is making me feel quite satisfied. perhaps in a couple of days the satisfaction will turn to panic (as in "oooooh shit i still have a student loan") but for now i'm going to revel in the newness.

i think a big part of it is the idea that this computer is mine, all mine, and it will be with me for a while. i can invest in things. i can put things on it that i know i won't have to pack up a few months later to move elsewhere. i can fill it with junk without feeling guilty for filling other people's computers with junk. i can dig some computer roots. maybe i feel so happy with it because it's the first thing i've committed to in quite some time. i'm sure yer all thinking "kerria, dude, it's a computer, not a life partner". but really, with all the changes and uncertainties in my life lately it's good to have at least one thing that i can commit to for a while. i know in a few years (months? days?) she'll stab me in the back and delete all my precious memories, but for now we're in a good place, she and i. let me enjoy it.

anyways, i think it's pretty obvious i'm feeling a bit nostalgic for a long-term anything. i'm still struggling with the montreal vs. vancouver issue. each morning i wake up leaning a little towards the west or a little towards the east. there is no dominant direction, and yet i have to make this choice oh-so-soon. much too soon. time is moving so-so fast lately. i've been here almost a year. i've finished an entire diploma program. i have made new friends. i've become familiar with a city that, only last september, was completely alien. i don't regret any of these things, but the fact of the matter is that i've come no closer to knowing what i want. i know i'm only 25, but i am also tired of working jobs that barely cover my rent, jobs that, though rewarding do not require me to do a lot of thinking. i'm tired of changing places all the time, whether it's to a new city or just a new house. i've moved a total of six times since graduating three years ago. this does not leave me with much of a sense of commitment to anywhere. i've pretty much stopped trying to make my houses feel like homes - i don't have the energy to build things up that i know will have to be taken apart again months later.

but where does that leave me, really? if i stay here it likely won't be for much longer - perhaps until january, or at least not more than another year. and that will likely still leave me with the sense that i can't commit to anything. and yet i love this city. the city is structured around a kind of openness and sociability; montreal has much more of a sense of vibrancy and life than vancouver ever did to me. but then i wonder if vancouver is just getting started; maybe it needs people who want to make it more people-friendly. montreal does, after all, have a good 2 or 300 years on vancouver as a city. and also when i think about it almost everyone i know in vancouver is doing something positive, interesting, something they are passionate about and that contributes to the community. vancouver doesn't lack for people who care, it just seems to lack a centre, a structure that contributes to a sense of a single community. but it does have potential, and it does feel deep down like home.

anyways, i know i'll be fine whatever decision i make. i went through all this just a year ago, and ultimately it is impossible to say whether a decision is right or wrong. it is just life, and it will be life whether i'm in montreal or vancouver. but really, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????!!!!