move it on over

well, it's official folks. i am now a member of the 21st century. though my cell phone has been out of commission for a year i now own one pretty little white macbook and one shiny black i-touch. i know money can't buy you happiness, but this cute-as-a-button little laptop is making me feel quite satisfied. perhaps in a couple of days the satisfaction will turn to panic (as in "oooooh shit i still have a student loan") but for now i'm going to revel in the newness.

i think a big part of it is the idea that this computer is mine, all mine, and it will be with me for a while. i can invest in things. i can put things on it that i know i won't have to pack up a few months later to move elsewhere. i can fill it with junk without feeling guilty for filling other people's computers with junk. i can dig some computer roots. maybe i feel so happy with it because it's the first thing i've committed to in quite some time. i'm sure yer all thinking "kerria, dude, it's a computer, not a life partner". but really, with all the changes and uncertainties in my life lately it's good to have at least one thing that i can commit to for a while. i know in a few years (months? days?) she'll stab me in the back and delete all my precious memories, but for now we're in a good place, she and i. let me enjoy it.

anyways, i think it's pretty obvious i'm feeling a bit nostalgic for a long-term anything. i'm still struggling with the montreal vs. vancouver issue. each morning i wake up leaning a little towards the west or a little towards the east. there is no dominant direction, and yet i have to make this choice oh-so-soon. much too soon. time is moving so-so fast lately. i've been here almost a year. i've finished an entire diploma program. i have made new friends. i've become familiar with a city that, only last september, was completely alien. i don't regret any of these things, but the fact of the matter is that i've come no closer to knowing what i want. i know i'm only 25, but i am also tired of working jobs that barely cover my rent, jobs that, though rewarding do not require me to do a lot of thinking. i'm tired of changing places all the time, whether it's to a new city or just a new house. i've moved a total of six times since graduating three years ago. this does not leave me with much of a sense of commitment to anywhere. i've pretty much stopped trying to make my houses feel like homes - i don't have the energy to build things up that i know will have to be taken apart again months later.

but where does that leave me, really? if i stay here it likely won't be for much longer - perhaps until january, or at least not more than another year. and that will likely still leave me with the sense that i can't commit to anything. and yet i love this city. the city is structured around a kind of openness and sociability; montreal has much more of a sense of vibrancy and life than vancouver ever did to me. but then i wonder if vancouver is just getting started; maybe it needs people who want to make it more people-friendly. montreal does, after all, have a good 2 or 300 years on vancouver as a city. and also when i think about it almost everyone i know in vancouver is doing something positive, interesting, something they are passionate about and that contributes to the community. vancouver doesn't lack for people who care, it just seems to lack a centre, a structure that contributes to a sense of a single community. but it does have potential, and it does feel deep down like home.

anyways, i know i'll be fine whatever decision i make. i went through all this just a year ago, and ultimately it is impossible to say whether a decision is right or wrong. it is just life, and it will be life whether i'm in montreal or vancouver. but really, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????!!!!