so, it's my last day of school today, and i'm getting all emotional. here i come big world, again... it's funny, because this has been such a different experience than my bachelor's degree. that was so much longer, and so much more life-changing, and so much more filled with close friends. and yet, despite always being the oldest one in the class, despite annoying group projects and many sleepless stressed-out nights, i'm glad i did this, and i feel sad to leave.
one of my classes just finished up with all the profs putting what we had learned into a framework of real life, and it was in a way helpful to know that i am not the only one who is terribly cynical, but also full of hope for the future. also, apparently i'm not the only one who fears being eaten in the apocalypse (though i bet my profs didn't have to make their significant others promise not to eat them).
anyways, though the people in my class are mainly quite young, and some of them have ideas about the world that are a bit idealistic, a bit simplistic, they also have ideas about the world that give me hope. though there are certainly issues with this program at mcgill (ie: a total lack of female teachers and female perspectives, among other things), there is also a really great mix of disciplines that i think produces more well-rounded people. little renaissance-women and men. well, kinda.
anyways, i'm probably just emotional because i had my third sleepless night in a week last night. but also because i feel such bitter cynicism and also such hopeful hope for the world. how are we going to fix all the things that have gone wrong? i have very little faith that we can, but i also feel that throwing up my hands and giving up would be a disservice to myself and to the world. i guess the question i keep asking myself, now that i'm out of school again, is what is the best way to 'help'? I want to make things better, i want to make the world a kinder place, and i want to avoid being eaten by bloodthirsty corporate lawyers and politicians. but i don't know how.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Saturday, April 05, 2008
and more thoughts...
Food has been on my mind a lot lately. I've realized that most of the things I have taken an interest in lately have been related in some way or another to food. Perhaps this is inevitable - it is really what most of our lives revolve around whether we want it to or not - whether it be the avoidance of food, the obsession with food, working for food, planning food, eating food, growing food, cooking food for ourselves, cooking food for a living, cooking food for pleasure...
I realize that when i think about people i know i can see something of their true selves in their relationship to food: Meg and her amazing cooking skills, her dreams of opening a restaurant named after her mama, her generousness; my dad i think of always in the kitchen, cooking something delicious at the end of the day, his love for my family coming out in this way, and my mom making the same muffins every year for our family christmas brunch. I think of Eben and his seven-hour cooking marathons, looking stressed and rather absurd as he runs in circles trying to figure out what he's doing; I think of Harmony and her meticulous and stubborn methods, her "don't-touch-that-before-dinner-hey-stop-noooooo!", and i think of potlucks with friends, with wine and good food, or at least strange food; i think of abra and her ramen and egg soup for every meal, with half-packages of mr.noodles scattered all over her cupboard; i think of noah and i making up a batch of fresh-picked blackberry jam (and his insistence on pouring in an entire package of cinnamon when my back was turned); i think of emanuel's yummy buttery pie and salty tomato sauce, and his mom's peach jam that i would always steal spoonfuls of when he wasn't home...(see? i even feel like i know his mom a bit, from her delicious jam!) I think of little jacob and i making cookies together, and his hilarious wide-eyed excitement when they come out of the oven... anyways, i could go on and on, but all i'm trying to say is that our lives are tied up in food in ways that go beyond staying alive. i love food culture, and i love the way food creates meaning and love in our lives, and i don't care if that eventually makes me a rolly-polly sentimental person...
and a favorite poem:
A Breakfast for Barbarians
Gwendolyn MacEwan
my friends, my sweet barbarians,
there is that hunger which is not for food—
but an eye at the navel turns the appetite
round
with visions of some fabulous sandwich,
the brain’s golden breakfast
eaten with beasts
with books on plates
let us make an anthology of recipes,
let us edit for breakfast
our most unspeakable appetites—
let us pool spoons, knives
and all cutlery in a cosmic cuisine,
let us answer hunger
with boiled chimera
and apocalyptic tea,
an arcane salad of spiced bibles,
tossed dictionaries—
(O my barbarians
we will consume our mysteries)
and can we, can we slake the gaping eye of our desires?
we will sit around our hewn wood table
until our hair is long and our eyes are feeble,
eating, my people, O my insatiates,
eating until we are no more able
to jack up the jaws any longer—
to no more complain of the soul’s vulgar cavities,
to gaze at each other over the rust-heap of cutlery,
drinking a coffee that takes an eternity—
till, bursting, bleary,
we laugh, barbarians, and rock the universe—
and exclaim to each other over the table
over the table of bones and scrap metal
over the gigantic junk-heaped table:
by God that was a meal
I realize that when i think about people i know i can see something of their true selves in their relationship to food: Meg and her amazing cooking skills, her dreams of opening a restaurant named after her mama, her generousness; my dad i think of always in the kitchen, cooking something delicious at the end of the day, his love for my family coming out in this way, and my mom making the same muffins every year for our family christmas brunch. I think of Eben and his seven-hour cooking marathons, looking stressed and rather absurd as he runs in circles trying to figure out what he's doing; I think of Harmony and her meticulous and stubborn methods, her "don't-touch-that-before-dinner-hey-stop-noooooo!", and i think of potlucks with friends, with wine and good food, or at least strange food; i think of abra and her ramen and egg soup for every meal, with half-packages of mr.noodles scattered all over her cupboard; i think of noah and i making up a batch of fresh-picked blackberry jam (and his insistence on pouring in an entire package of cinnamon when my back was turned); i think of emanuel's yummy buttery pie and salty tomato sauce, and his mom's peach jam that i would always steal spoonfuls of when he wasn't home...(see? i even feel like i know his mom a bit, from her delicious jam!) I think of little jacob and i making cookies together, and his hilarious wide-eyed excitement when they come out of the oven... anyways, i could go on and on, but all i'm trying to say is that our lives are tied up in food in ways that go beyond staying alive. i love food culture, and i love the way food creates meaning and love in our lives, and i don't care if that eventually makes me a rolly-polly sentimental person...
and a favorite poem:
A Breakfast for Barbarians
Gwendolyn MacEwan
my friends, my sweet barbarians,
there is that hunger which is not for food—
but an eye at the navel turns the appetite
round
with visions of some fabulous sandwich,
the brain’s golden breakfast
eaten with beasts
with books on plates
let us make an anthology of recipes,
let us edit for breakfast
our most unspeakable appetites—
let us pool spoons, knives
and all cutlery in a cosmic cuisine,
let us answer hunger
with boiled chimera
and apocalyptic tea,
an arcane salad of spiced bibles,
tossed dictionaries—
(O my barbarians
we will consume our mysteries)
and can we, can we slake the gaping eye of our desires?
we will sit around our hewn wood table
until our hair is long and our eyes are feeble,
eating, my people, O my insatiates,
eating until we are no more able
to jack up the jaws any longer—
to no more complain of the soul’s vulgar cavities,
to gaze at each other over the rust-heap of cutlery,
drinking a coffee that takes an eternity—
till, bursting, bleary,
we laugh, barbarians, and rock the universe—
and exclaim to each other over the table
over the table of bones and scrap metal
over the gigantic junk-heaped table:
by God that was a meal
Friday, April 04, 2008
well, it's snowing again. not much to say about that.
i'm thinking about a lot of things lately. i'm thinking about the ever-immanent future, about where i want to be and where i want to go...i'm thinking about the summer as i watch the snow falling outside my window, i'm thinking about where i've been lately. i'm thinking about the macros and micros of life - the things that happen to us as individuals that can change us and shape us, and also the things that can happen to us on a bigger scale. the latter are the things that we discuss constantly in my program - the huge disasters we are facing on all fronts as a world: water shortages, desertification, climate change, an astounding loss of biodiversity... and also all the social crises these will bring (or that are already occurring); water shortages, famines, huge and growing inequalities, and world wars.
my prof brought in a report from the UN which proposed as a possible solution to water shortages... the cutting down of trees. if this isn't indicative of the totally counter-intuitive, anthropocentric, and short-sighted madness of today's way of thinking then i don't know what is. it's sad because these are the kinds of ideas being implemented as we speak. this is the kind of attitude that rules the planet: don't think about changing our lifestyles, don't think about changing our attitudes, don't think about poor people or redistribution - just focus on easy technological band-aid solutions. as if all these things happening in the world aren't a part of our own lives! as if they won't come around and affect us evenutally! but probably it won't affect all the rich leaders of the world who refuse to compromise; whatever changes happen are sure to affect the poor, and then the younger generations. it makes me furious, sometimes, the lack of power we have, and the selfishness of people who are fucking it all up for the rest of us. it makes me sad, and it makes me scared for the future. though i try not to think about it too much, i sometimes have a hard time believing that the world is not going to hell in a handbasket.
but then there's all this crazy wonderful stuff too, that gives me a little hope. there are so many people who are active in the community here. i heard somewhere that this is because of the specific history here; people have more of a sense of involvement and community because of the issues that have faced and continue to face the province. it's interesting to live in quebec, where there is this distinctive identity that people are proud of, and this sense of solidarity. but yeah, they have some great organizations here. equiterre; santropol roulant; eco-quartiers in each neighborhood where you can bring your compost, learn to fix your bike or buy your green bin; the rooftop gardens; the awesome history of community gardens that are protected by the municipality; alternatives; cooperative la maison vert... montreal is great.
anyways, there's that. and then there's my own little life. there's my desires and then there's my conscience. there's my desires and then there's my common sense. what to do when i leave montreal? do i stay in canada and make some meaningful roots somewhere, or do i follow my whim and go off to another country to try to learn something new? do i go back to school next year, and if so where do i focus my energies? oh dear.
i'm thinking about a lot of things lately. i'm thinking about the ever-immanent future, about where i want to be and where i want to go...i'm thinking about the summer as i watch the snow falling outside my window, i'm thinking about where i've been lately. i'm thinking about the macros and micros of life - the things that happen to us as individuals that can change us and shape us, and also the things that can happen to us on a bigger scale. the latter are the things that we discuss constantly in my program - the huge disasters we are facing on all fronts as a world: water shortages, desertification, climate change, an astounding loss of biodiversity... and also all the social crises these will bring (or that are already occurring); water shortages, famines, huge and growing inequalities, and world wars.
my prof brought in a report from the UN which proposed as a possible solution to water shortages... the cutting down of trees. if this isn't indicative of the totally counter-intuitive, anthropocentric, and short-sighted madness of today's way of thinking then i don't know what is. it's sad because these are the kinds of ideas being implemented as we speak. this is the kind of attitude that rules the planet: don't think about changing our lifestyles, don't think about changing our attitudes, don't think about poor people or redistribution - just focus on easy technological band-aid solutions. as if all these things happening in the world aren't a part of our own lives! as if they won't come around and affect us evenutally! but probably it won't affect all the rich leaders of the world who refuse to compromise; whatever changes happen are sure to affect the poor, and then the younger generations. it makes me furious, sometimes, the lack of power we have, and the selfishness of people who are fucking it all up for the rest of us. it makes me sad, and it makes me scared for the future. though i try not to think about it too much, i sometimes have a hard time believing that the world is not going to hell in a handbasket.
but then there's all this crazy wonderful stuff too, that gives me a little hope. there are so many people who are active in the community here. i heard somewhere that this is because of the specific history here; people have more of a sense of involvement and community because of the issues that have faced and continue to face the province. it's interesting to live in quebec, where there is this distinctive identity that people are proud of, and this sense of solidarity. but yeah, they have some great organizations here. equiterre; santropol roulant; eco-quartiers in each neighborhood where you can bring your compost, learn to fix your bike or buy your green bin; the rooftop gardens; the awesome history of community gardens that are protected by the municipality; alternatives; cooperative la maison vert... montreal is great.
anyways, there's that. and then there's my own little life. there's my desires and then there's my conscience. there's my desires and then there's my common sense. what to do when i leave montreal? do i stay in canada and make some meaningful roots somewhere, or do i follow my whim and go off to another country to try to learn something new? do i go back to school next year, and if so where do i focus my energies? oh dear.
Friday, March 28, 2008
summer rules, microsporidia drool
it is 11:07 pm on a friday night, and i have been staring at a paper outline about parasitic evolution and honey bees for the past three hours or so. or make that the past three weeks. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE! why are they making me do this?
anyways, the point is, i am starting to remember what a procrastinator i am. i have incredible amounts of homework to do, and yet i can never quite find time to do any of it, what with all my dilly-dallying about on the internet, looking a strange facts and pretty pictures. i've spent a lot of time today reading about montreal...its history, its great summer events, its historic architecture and extreme hipness.
i may actually be developing a full-fledged blushing crush on montreal, though of course i realize she's a two-faced fair-weather kind of mate.
two degrees celcius seems to have warmed everyone's blood; everyone looks so happy all of a sudden, and so hopeful. it's strange how exciting it was the other day to feel sun on my face and then suddenly realize that it felt...warm! not very warm, but there was an unmistakable hint of something not cold. summer is coming! now we just have to wait for those 6 feet of snow to melt, and we're golden.
but yeah, i'm excited! montreal is slowly defrosting and it is crazy how palpable the anticipation is. it's really hard to concentrate on Apis mellifera and the various microsporidia that plague their bellies.
anyways, the point is, i am starting to remember what a procrastinator i am. i have incredible amounts of homework to do, and yet i can never quite find time to do any of it, what with all my dilly-dallying about on the internet, looking a strange facts and pretty pictures. i've spent a lot of time today reading about montreal...its history, its great summer events, its historic architecture and extreme hipness.
i may actually be developing a full-fledged blushing crush on montreal, though of course i realize she's a two-faced fair-weather kind of mate.
two degrees celcius seems to have warmed everyone's blood; everyone looks so happy all of a sudden, and so hopeful. it's strange how exciting it was the other day to feel sun on my face and then suddenly realize that it felt...warm! not very warm, but there was an unmistakable hint of something not cold. summer is coming! now we just have to wait for those 6 feet of snow to melt, and we're golden.
but yeah, i'm excited! montreal is slowly defrosting and it is crazy how palpable the anticipation is. it's really hard to concentrate on Apis mellifera and the various microsporidia that plague their bellies.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
choices choices
So. I am at a point where, despite being bogged down by school, i am also realizing that the end is nigh. Once again i am being ejected from the cozy womb of student life into the harsh and fluorescent-lighted world. Somehow i doubt there will be a doctor there to cut the umbilical cord in one easy stroke, nor loving parents ready to put up with my crying and whining and cater to my every whim. sigh.
anyways, what i'm trying to say with this lame analogy is I WANT MY MOM! but she's kinda far away and has her own things to worry about.
So i want to figure out my own life. 25 has in many ways felt ages older than 24. Suddenly i don't feel like it's ok to keep bumming around, meandering from idea to idea without following through on any of them. It feels too old to have big debts and little prospects. So i'm spending all my spare time looking for jobs, internships, apprenticeships, and sugar daddies. Unfortunately Matt doesn't seem into the whole paying-for-my-love thing, and since i'm kinda into monogamy looks like i may have to settle for the former three. double sigh.
But yeah, looking for jobs etc. means making decisions. And anyone who knows me - or has at least spent time in a restaurant/cafe/american apparel with me - knows that making decisions is not my forte. I HATE OPTIONS! (But of course i also deeply appreciate all the options i have in my life, and feel very grateful to be in the position i am in) But i still hate options.
So yes. yes yes yes. Time to get on with decisions. I am having an interview this week for a volunteer job that would take me kinda far away for a while, but could be very fulfilling. I am applying for all sorts of internships that range from leading environmental summer camps to farming to working for all sorts of NGO's to ... well, i don't know, some of them are harder to describe than others. I'm also hoping to apply for a bunch of CIDA internships whenever they post them.
Unfortunately all of these jobs seem to overlap, and none of them seem to allow me to stay in Montreal for the summer, which i would dearly like to do. A lot of them also seem to pay very little, if anything at all. I have started a new volunteer job that i enjoy and there are lots of things i want to get involved in here when the weather gets warm. I am looking forward to bringing my yellow bicycle out of retirement, too, and biking around the city with no coat, revelling in the well-earned warm breeze. Perhaps i'm just dreaming. Perhaps a summer here would be nothing but hard labor and no money or time to enjoy the city. But i kind of doubt summer in Montreal could be less than fabulous, really.
So what to do? Is it bad to pass up interesting jobs to enjoy a city while i can? Is it bad to take unpaid positions when i have a student loan hanging over my head? Is it wrong to fantasize about a summer of minimum wage when i should probably be moving on with my life? Am i getting too old to flit around like this? Is my acute sense of the briefness of life getting in the way of my enjoyment of the moment? When am i going to figure out what i want to "do" with my life? Why do i want to do so many things all at once, and which one is the best for me?
Truly, in the last month or so i have considered a career as a pastry chef, an organic farmer, an educator, a researcher, an activist, a housepainter, a waitress, a world leader, a biologist, a graphic novelist, a regular novelist, vandana shiva's personal assistant, a carpenter, a yoga instructor (ha! not in the shape i'm in!), an epidemiologist, a horticulturalist, a housewife, a lawyer, and a drug dealer.
Do you think these could all be combined into one super-career?
yarg.
anyways, what i'm trying to say with this lame analogy is I WANT MY MOM! but she's kinda far away and has her own things to worry about.
So i want to figure out my own life. 25 has in many ways felt ages older than 24. Suddenly i don't feel like it's ok to keep bumming around, meandering from idea to idea without following through on any of them. It feels too old to have big debts and little prospects. So i'm spending all my spare time looking for jobs, internships, apprenticeships, and sugar daddies. Unfortunately Matt doesn't seem into the whole paying-for-my-love thing, and since i'm kinda into monogamy looks like i may have to settle for the former three. double sigh.
But yeah, looking for jobs etc. means making decisions. And anyone who knows me - or has at least spent time in a restaurant/cafe/american apparel with me - knows that making decisions is not my forte. I HATE OPTIONS! (But of course i also deeply appreciate all the options i have in my life, and feel very grateful to be in the position i am in) But i still hate options.
So yes. yes yes yes. Time to get on with decisions. I am having an interview this week for a volunteer job that would take me kinda far away for a while, but could be very fulfilling. I am applying for all sorts of internships that range from leading environmental summer camps to farming to working for all sorts of NGO's to ... well, i don't know, some of them are harder to describe than others. I'm also hoping to apply for a bunch of CIDA internships whenever they post them.
Unfortunately all of these jobs seem to overlap, and none of them seem to allow me to stay in Montreal for the summer, which i would dearly like to do. A lot of them also seem to pay very little, if anything at all. I have started a new volunteer job that i enjoy and there are lots of things i want to get involved in here when the weather gets warm. I am looking forward to bringing my yellow bicycle out of retirement, too, and biking around the city with no coat, revelling in the well-earned warm breeze. Perhaps i'm just dreaming. Perhaps a summer here would be nothing but hard labor and no money or time to enjoy the city. But i kind of doubt summer in Montreal could be less than fabulous, really.
So what to do? Is it bad to pass up interesting jobs to enjoy a city while i can? Is it bad to take unpaid positions when i have a student loan hanging over my head? Is it wrong to fantasize about a summer of minimum wage when i should probably be moving on with my life? Am i getting too old to flit around like this? Is my acute sense of the briefness of life getting in the way of my enjoyment of the moment? When am i going to figure out what i want to "do" with my life? Why do i want to do so many things all at once, and which one is the best for me?
Truly, in the last month or so i have considered a career as a pastry chef, an organic farmer, an educator, a researcher, an activist, a housepainter, a waitress, a world leader, a biologist, a graphic novelist, a regular novelist, vandana shiva's personal assistant, a carpenter, a yoga instructor (ha! not in the shape i'm in!), an epidemiologist, a horticulturalist, a housewife, a lawyer, and a drug dealer.
Do you think these could all be combined into one super-career?
yarg.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
little town full of little people...
i stole this off my cousin's facebook - it's too good to keep to myself:
http://little-people.blogspot.com/
oh yeah, and check this new song. gosh i adore that little pixie.
http://little-people.blogspot.com/
oh yeah, and check this new song. gosh i adore that little pixie.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
apparently i have asian roots...
so, i was reading eben's blog about the root of harmony's name and decided to look up my own name. i was surprised to find that kerria is not only a flowering japanese bush (kerria japonica) but also a resin-secreting insect (kerria lacca, also known as kerria lacca lacca, or lakshadia indica). its secretion, 'lac', is used to create a scarlet (like my hair!) pigment and the end product of shellac for varnish. it is also used as an anti-obesity drug. this insect is native to India, China and South East Asia.
According to the ever-reliable wikipedia, "[lac] has a mention in the ancient Vedic book called the Manusmrti, or the 'Laws of Manu'. This book is the source of all the laws regarding caste in India. It lays down who can eat with whom, who can marry whom, who can touch whom; and it also lays down how those who infringe those laws should be punished. Thus, for example, it is decreed: "XII. 4. If the shudra [a member of the labouring caste, or an Untouchable] intentionally listens for committing to memory the Veda, then his ears should be filled with molten lead and lac; if he utters the Veda, then his tongue should be cut off; if he has mastered the Veda his body should be cut to pieces."
hmmmm...
i also spent some time a couple of months ago searching for other kerrias on facebook, and found that it seems to be popular in the states as a middle name or in an altered state: sha'kerria, for example.
maybe i should change my name to sha'kerria.
According to the ever-reliable wikipedia, "[lac] has a mention in the ancient Vedic book called the Manusmrti, or the 'Laws of Manu'. This book is the source of all the laws regarding caste in India. It lays down who can eat with whom, who can marry whom, who can touch whom; and it also lays down how those who infringe those laws should be punished. Thus, for example, it is decreed: "XII. 4. If the shudra [a member of the labouring caste, or an Untouchable] intentionally listens for committing to memory the Veda, then his ears should be filled with molten lead and lac; if he utters the Veda, then his tongue should be cut off; if he has mastered the Veda his body should be cut to pieces."
hmmmm...
i also spent some time a couple of months ago searching for other kerrias on facebook, and found that it seems to be popular in the states as a middle name or in an altered state: sha'kerria, for example.
maybe i should change my name to sha'kerria.
Friday, February 08, 2008
sow your seeds, little ones...
school at once inspires and repulses me. i love some things, i hate others. i hate the meaningless discussions of structure and theory, when it doesn't come hand in hand with some sort of reality to ground it in. what is the use of discussing a theory without asking how it fits into the world?
maybe this is why i love my environment classes. some of it is observational - earth crusts and wave motion and the movement of sediment from one side of a continent to the other and how the ocean revolves around us and gives us life(amazing!). some of it is how to take the theories and thoughts and ideas of hundreds of years and use it for something positive. funny how unique this seems in university. i don't seem to recall any other realm that ever said "ok, let's discuss compassion and how to make this world more compassionate and gentle", rather than merely "let's discuss theories of ethics, development, poverty, health...". perhaps it is a given that you will use this knowledge to change the world around you. but should this be a given? should we be able to gnaw our ways through four years of university classes without once being told - "this is not for naught! take this and sow it, use it to make the world a more beautiful place!"
perhaps that would not be a good thing either. in fact it sounds downright evangelical. and of course i realize that 'good' is subjective and has been twisted for nefarious purposes. but perhaps compassion and generosity are better words. perhaps this is what is lacking: i rarely heard anyone discuss those words in university, nor their importance - not in a classroom setting, anyway. i just remember a book my mom and dad used to read me called 'the lupine lady', in which the main character is taught as a little girl by her grandfather that in order to live a full life she must leave the world a more beautiful place than before. and she spends many years doing exciting things and traveling the world and living a happy life, but never feels that she has left a more beautiful earth behind her. so finally she decides to plant lupines everywhere and leave the hillsides blue-purple-pink.
i guess what i mean by all this is that university seems to teach us, for the most part, how to make our own lives better. it gives us 'tools' (as they say) for the 'real world' (as they say). it gives us a zingy resume, the ability to think quickly and sharply and sometimes critically so that we are wonderfully 'hireable'. it gives us the ability to regurgitate a million times over the thoughts of others, but for the most part our own thoughts and creativity are not seen to be part of the process. and simplicity is never rewarded. nobody ever says that it is admirable to be without ambition, that planting flowers and trees and food is a noble pursuit, or that gentleness and kindness and a compassionate ethic is more important than personal success.
and i guess that a book i read when i was five left me a more generous person than unviersity ever did, and this seems sad. something so simple can make the world more lovely for others, but i feel like all we ever think about (myself included) is how to make the world better for ourselves. so yeah, i'm stoked that i'm taking classes that discuss how to bring compassion and empathy back into a world where the dominant and applauded ideology is individual gain. and the people in my class are all so excited, so involved, so young and wide-eyed and kind. we are being asked in a 200 level class to examine our desires and needs, to examine how we treat the world around us and finally to use this knowledge to build a noble life. i feel inspired by this.
i can't wait to be a farmer.
maybe this is why i love my environment classes. some of it is observational - earth crusts and wave motion and the movement of sediment from one side of a continent to the other and how the ocean revolves around us and gives us life(amazing!). some of it is how to take the theories and thoughts and ideas of hundreds of years and use it for something positive. funny how unique this seems in university. i don't seem to recall any other realm that ever said "ok, let's discuss compassion and how to make this world more compassionate and gentle", rather than merely "let's discuss theories of ethics, development, poverty, health...". perhaps it is a given that you will use this knowledge to change the world around you. but should this be a given? should we be able to gnaw our ways through four years of university classes without once being told - "this is not for naught! take this and sow it, use it to make the world a more beautiful place!"
perhaps that would not be a good thing either. in fact it sounds downright evangelical. and of course i realize that 'good' is subjective and has been twisted for nefarious purposes. but perhaps compassion and generosity are better words. perhaps this is what is lacking: i rarely heard anyone discuss those words in university, nor their importance - not in a classroom setting, anyway. i just remember a book my mom and dad used to read me called 'the lupine lady', in which the main character is taught as a little girl by her grandfather that in order to live a full life she must leave the world a more beautiful place than before. and she spends many years doing exciting things and traveling the world and living a happy life, but never feels that she has left a more beautiful earth behind her. so finally she decides to plant lupines everywhere and leave the hillsides blue-purple-pink.
i guess what i mean by all this is that university seems to teach us, for the most part, how to make our own lives better. it gives us 'tools' (as they say) for the 'real world' (as they say). it gives us a zingy resume, the ability to think quickly and sharply and sometimes critically so that we are wonderfully 'hireable'. it gives us the ability to regurgitate a million times over the thoughts of others, but for the most part our own thoughts and creativity are not seen to be part of the process. and simplicity is never rewarded. nobody ever says that it is admirable to be without ambition, that planting flowers and trees and food is a noble pursuit, or that gentleness and kindness and a compassionate ethic is more important than personal success.
and i guess that a book i read when i was five left me a more generous person than unviersity ever did, and this seems sad. something so simple can make the world more lovely for others, but i feel like all we ever think about (myself included) is how to make the world better for ourselves. so yeah, i'm stoked that i'm taking classes that discuss how to bring compassion and empathy back into a world where the dominant and applauded ideology is individual gain. and the people in my class are all so excited, so involved, so young and wide-eyed and kind. we are being asked in a 200 level class to examine our desires and needs, to examine how we treat the world around us and finally to use this knowledge to build a noble life. i feel inspired by this.
i can't wait to be a farmer.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
birthdays are for suckers
t'is the new year, and a new school year, and a new age that sounds much too old. twenty five. yuck. apparently this is the year my metabolism will shut down and i will acquire a booty and some hips. crossing my fingers.
anyways, had a nice birthday. the weather was veritably balmy here; we walked all the way downtown and i even felt a bit overheated. weird. but anyways, matt and i wandered around and decided to stop at the National Film Board 'Cineroboteque', where you watch movies on a robot! well, sort of. but they have all the NFB films you could ever desire to see and you just scroll through and watch whatever yer heart desires. and it was free! (we watched a really good animated short - 'the danish poet', as well as a rather odd and creepy one called 'madame tutli-putli'). when we finally emerged from the belly of the robot we were itching for some caffeine, and what beverage is more potent than the thick deliciousness of vietnamese coffee, complete with a fat dose of sugary sugary condensed milk? mmm. we then spent some time perusing indigo's travel section, where we oohed and ahhed over pretty pictures and dreamed about a life without exams and work and hot water. oooooo. ahhhhhh. damn my life.
anyways, the caffeine hangover kicked in about an hour later and the store became a bit depressing, so onto beer! had a few drinks, a delicious indian dinner, then some mojitos, some hanging out, some bed. then a nice short nap, and then a rather abrasive phone call from some drunken hippies, then back to sleep. happy birthday me.
and now school has started, and the twenty-five-years-old-and-what-the-eff-am- i-doing-with-my-life doldrums have started too. goddammed expensive bloody mcgill. godamned pessimist me.
anyways, had a nice birthday. the weather was veritably balmy here; we walked all the way downtown and i even felt a bit overheated. weird. but anyways, matt and i wandered around and decided to stop at the National Film Board 'Cineroboteque', where you watch movies on a robot! well, sort of. but they have all the NFB films you could ever desire to see and you just scroll through and watch whatever yer heart desires. and it was free! (we watched a really good animated short - 'the danish poet', as well as a rather odd and creepy one called 'madame tutli-putli'). when we finally emerged from the belly of the robot we were itching for some caffeine, and what beverage is more potent than the thick deliciousness of vietnamese coffee, complete with a fat dose of sugary sugary condensed milk? mmm. we then spent some time perusing indigo's travel section, where we oohed and ahhed over pretty pictures and dreamed about a life without exams and work and hot water. oooooo. ahhhhhh. damn my life.
anyways, the caffeine hangover kicked in about an hour later and the store became a bit depressing, so onto beer! had a few drinks, a delicious indian dinner, then some mojitos, some hanging out, some bed. then a nice short nap, and then a rather abrasive phone call from some drunken hippies, then back to sleep. happy birthday me.
and now school has started, and the twenty-five-years-old-and-what-the-eff-am- i-doing-with-my-life doldrums have started too. goddammed expensive bloody mcgill. godamned pessimist me.
Monday, December 17, 2007
walking even with the builder of the universe...
From Walden:
"beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes."
* * * *
"...if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
* * * *
"The cost of a thing is the amount of life that must be exchanged for it."
* * * *
"When I had caught and cleaned and cooked and eaten my fish, they seemed not to have fed me essentially. It was insignificant and unnecessary, and cost more than it came to..The repugnance to animal food is not the effect of experience, but is an instinct...I believe that every man who has ever been earnest to preserve his higher or poetic faculties in the best condition has been particularly inclined to abstain from animal food, and from much food of any kind... Whatever my own practice may be, i have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals."
* * * *
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal - that is your success. All nature is your contgratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which i have clutched."
* * * *
"Only that days dawns to which we are awake. There is more day to dawn. The sun is but a morning star."
"beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes."
* * * *
"...if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
* * * *
"The cost of a thing is the amount of life that must be exchanged for it."
* * * *
"When I had caught and cleaned and cooked and eaten my fish, they seemed not to have fed me essentially. It was insignificant and unnecessary, and cost more than it came to..The repugnance to animal food is not the effect of experience, but is an instinct...I believe that every man who has ever been earnest to preserve his higher or poetic faculties in the best condition has been particularly inclined to abstain from animal food, and from much food of any kind... Whatever my own practice may be, i have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals."
* * * *
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal - that is your success. All nature is your contgratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the facts most astounding and most real are never communicated by man to man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which i have clutched."
* * * *
"Only that days dawns to which we are awake. There is more day to dawn. The sun is but a morning star."
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Alone, alone, about a dreadful wood...
well, it seems that exam period turns me into a daily blogger, with or without an audience.
So, i am officially the queen of procrastination. three exams to go before thursday, and i have spent most of today reading the newspaper, baking goodies, daydreaming, watching the snowstorm ebb and flow outside, playing scrabble on the internet, looking up useless facts, checking my email, and occasionally reading over old ones. I found a gem of an email from this wonderful japanese guy i met in thailand, where, among other awesome things, he wrote:
"You have splendid sensitivity and good looks like a fairy"
how can a gal not be flattered by such compliments?
oh engrish.
oh asia...
So, i am officially the queen of procrastination. three exams to go before thursday, and i have spent most of today reading the newspaper, baking goodies, daydreaming, watching the snowstorm ebb and flow outside, playing scrabble on the internet, looking up useless facts, checking my email, and occasionally reading over old ones. I found a gem of an email from this wonderful japanese guy i met in thailand, where, among other awesome things, he wrote:
"You have splendid sensitivity and good looks like a fairy"
how can a gal not be flattered by such compliments?
oh engrish.
oh asia...
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
bringin' back sweet memories...
so, i spent a good hour or two last night reading old emails from asia, up late and unable or unwilling to sleep. little bits of inspiration have come over me this week, probably because i finally have a bit of breathing room, what with classes over and my next exam not until monday. school simultaneously inspires and quashes inspiration; i am too busy for any thought-out-thoughts of my own, but also forced to devote myself to one topic for a length of time, which rarely happens when left to my own scattered and indecisive devices.
reading those emails brought a lot of things to the forefront. there was a lot of warm laughter, a lot of nostalgia, but also a lot of reality. distance makes the heart grow fonder, and often the sweetest memories are the ones i remember from traveling while i forget about the month of invalidity, of lying sweat-soaked on mysteriously stained sheets staring at dirty walls and dreading my next questionably sanitary meal, dreading my next violent bout of vomiting. and i forget those long days of loneliness when i would read book after book, write email after email, trying to fill the void where friends were lacking.
but the good memories are so very good. i feel like i don't have such good stories to tell here, because people - strange ones, boring ones, wild ones alike - simply don't reach out in the same way, and nor do i have the push to do so. i find it hard to reach out here, i find it hard to quickly match steps with someone, to relate. i also find myself turning a bit cold and hardened - perhaps it's all this snow. i was told that i recently seemed "bitter and not too friendly" towards a friend, and this has really made me think. this is not the person i want to be, and this is not how i was feeling at the time, despite outward appearances - in fact mostly i was feeling really happy to have a close friend around. but this is something i have recognised in myself lately: a sort of coldness directed towards the world, and a pendulum of emotions that come out as drastic ups and downs. i have been feeling something changed in me, some warmth is seeping out, perhaps because i don't have as many places to put it these days - only so much of your love can go to a single person, no matter how great that person is, and friendships are so important to me as a solid foundation for everything else.
i think what all this is pointing to is my need for a solid sense of groundedness. slowly but surely i am feeling more at home here, making small friendships here and there, but what is lacking is a commitment to this place. i think a lot lately about packing up my bags and flying off to some place or another again, to live that uncertain but ever-exciting life; and maybe i will, but i also feel the need for a change here, o an eventual return to my life in b.c., whether in vancouver or victoria, a return to that foundation of family and friends and those that are somewhere in between. or maybe just start trying harder to make that here, to get involved and be part of this place instead of feeling like a passer-through, a tumbleweed, a complete unknown with no direction home...
i wish i knew how to start that process in a meaningful way, and i wish i knew how to turn off this coldness that occasionally rears its head, but hey, life is for learning. i'm sure we all go through these phases of wondering where exactly our lives are at, where they are going, and what it all means anyway. oh life.
reading those emails brought a lot of things to the forefront. there was a lot of warm laughter, a lot of nostalgia, but also a lot of reality. distance makes the heart grow fonder, and often the sweetest memories are the ones i remember from traveling while i forget about the month of invalidity, of lying sweat-soaked on mysteriously stained sheets staring at dirty walls and dreading my next questionably sanitary meal, dreading my next violent bout of vomiting. and i forget those long days of loneliness when i would read book after book, write email after email, trying to fill the void where friends were lacking.
but the good memories are so very good. i feel like i don't have such good stories to tell here, because people - strange ones, boring ones, wild ones alike - simply don't reach out in the same way, and nor do i have the push to do so. i find it hard to reach out here, i find it hard to quickly match steps with someone, to relate. i also find myself turning a bit cold and hardened - perhaps it's all this snow. i was told that i recently seemed "bitter and not too friendly" towards a friend, and this has really made me think. this is not the person i want to be, and this is not how i was feeling at the time, despite outward appearances - in fact mostly i was feeling really happy to have a close friend around. but this is something i have recognised in myself lately: a sort of coldness directed towards the world, and a pendulum of emotions that come out as drastic ups and downs. i have been feeling something changed in me, some warmth is seeping out, perhaps because i don't have as many places to put it these days - only so much of your love can go to a single person, no matter how great that person is, and friendships are so important to me as a solid foundation for everything else.
i think what all this is pointing to is my need for a solid sense of groundedness. slowly but surely i am feeling more at home here, making small friendships here and there, but what is lacking is a commitment to this place. i think a lot lately about packing up my bags and flying off to some place or another again, to live that uncertain but ever-exciting life; and maybe i will, but i also feel the need for a change here, o an eventual return to my life in b.c., whether in vancouver or victoria, a return to that foundation of family and friends and those that are somewhere in between. or maybe just start trying harder to make that here, to get involved and be part of this place instead of feeling like a passer-through, a tumbleweed, a complete unknown with no direction home...
i wish i knew how to start that process in a meaningful way, and i wish i knew how to turn off this coldness that occasionally rears its head, but hey, life is for learning. i'm sure we all go through these phases of wondering where exactly our lives are at, where they are going, and what it all means anyway. oh life.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
holidays are made for reading and remember things that are worth repeating...
so, i'm here in the thick of final exams, staring furiously at this computer screen, my prison. trying to write a take home exam about globalization, markets and states in africa, about the human development paradigm and the informal sector and gender inequalities and displaced people and so much more, all fit nicely into twelve pages. how can i possibly be expected to understand all of these complex issues (each of which we spent three one hour classes on) into twelve pages? it is not that it isn't interesting - it is - but just that it's such a vast topic and i am such a small little person.
well, ok, i'm also just tired of doing homework, but seriously. university is so crazy - we are given so much information that we must absorb in under four months, and then we move on to the next topic. obviously there are themes that run along like little mountain streams between classes, but still. Inequality and Development, in 3000 words or less. Society and Environment. Health and Development. Global Earth Systems. How can i even begin to understand anything, and why do we all try so hard to do so? we are not very humble animals, are we?
and all i can think about today is how i bought my ticket to vancouver for december 24th and how, now that i have done it, i am overwhelmed with how much i want to be in B.C., even just for a short while. as i mentioned before, i saw my parents and sister for a few days in november and was overwhelmed with how good it was to see them. there is nothing like parental love of the unconditional kind, and i missed it, despite the many idiosyncrasies of our little family unit. and B.C., oh B.C... i've been thinking a lot about the ocean and about the mountains. it's beautiful here, much more beautiful in an urban way, but it is no match for vancouver when it comes to scenery. and i love living here, i feel totally invigorated by its alive-ness and the thousands of young people who all seem so involved in their community. but i think i've been so busy and so overwhelmed that i haven't spent too much time thinking about home. and now that i get to have a visit i can't stop thinking about it. close friends! homecooked meals! reading (fiction!) in front of the fireplace! no fear of freezing to death on the way to the grocery store!
well, what can i say, the grass is always greener. probably when i land in vancouver i will miss the nightlife, the row houses, the french language, the cheap beer in every corner store. all the things that make this place sooo montreal.
also, i will miss my matt, whose entire family now thinks i am the most cold-hearted witch of a girlfriend, leaving their matthew out in the cold eastern winter to brave the holidays alone. which i guess i kind of am, but we all gotta look out for ourselves, right? isn't that part of the whole christmas spirit thing?
hm. well, maybe what i am most looking forward to is being done with these pesky exams. speaking of which...
well, ok, i'm also just tired of doing homework, but seriously. university is so crazy - we are given so much information that we must absorb in under four months, and then we move on to the next topic. obviously there are themes that run along like little mountain streams between classes, but still. Inequality and Development, in 3000 words or less. Society and Environment. Health and Development. Global Earth Systems. How can i even begin to understand anything, and why do we all try so hard to do so? we are not very humble animals, are we?
and all i can think about today is how i bought my ticket to vancouver for december 24th and how, now that i have done it, i am overwhelmed with how much i want to be in B.C., even just for a short while. as i mentioned before, i saw my parents and sister for a few days in november and was overwhelmed with how good it was to see them. there is nothing like parental love of the unconditional kind, and i missed it, despite the many idiosyncrasies of our little family unit. and B.C., oh B.C... i've been thinking a lot about the ocean and about the mountains. it's beautiful here, much more beautiful in an urban way, but it is no match for vancouver when it comes to scenery. and i love living here, i feel totally invigorated by its alive-ness and the thousands of young people who all seem so involved in their community. but i think i've been so busy and so overwhelmed that i haven't spent too much time thinking about home. and now that i get to have a visit i can't stop thinking about it. close friends! homecooked meals! reading (fiction!) in front of the fireplace! no fear of freezing to death on the way to the grocery store!
well, what can i say, the grass is always greener. probably when i land in vancouver i will miss the nightlife, the row houses, the french language, the cheap beer in every corner store. all the things that make this place sooo montreal.
also, i will miss my matt, whose entire family now thinks i am the most cold-hearted witch of a girlfriend, leaving their matthew out in the cold eastern winter to brave the holidays alone. which i guess i kind of am, but we all gotta look out for ourselves, right? isn't that part of the whole christmas spirit thing?
hm. well, maybe what i am most looking forward to is being done with these pesky exams. speaking of which...
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
some more hard issues...
so, in light of some rather contentious debates in my last class, i just want to put this out there:
what do you think about the idea of moral relativism? do you think that it is wrong for we in the proverbial west to say: "hey, female genital mutilation is wrong!", or "stop killing women for the honor of your family" or "get that woman to a god-damned hospital before she gets fistula, yo!"
i mean, y'all probably know where i stand, but i'd like to know what everyone thinks. to me the idea that as a woman, as a person i can't say that doing something potentially devastating, brutal, violent against the will of another is wrong is infuriating.
a guy in my class today actually compared female genital circumcision to that of male circumcision - i can see his point in the fact that this is done without consent, but to compare a procedure that is done in adulthood and takes away any and all sexual pleasure for the rest of one's life to a procedure that, as far as i can see, is essentially aesthetic seems a bit stretched. but then, i've never been circumcised. anybody out there that has been: any thoughts? i think the part that riled me up was that his intention was not to point out agency but to say that we shouldn't judge or try to change another culture, because this is their choice.
to me this seems irrelevant - to my sensibilities it is NOT a cultural issue, it is an issue of agency, of power, of human rights. if there is a single woman out there who does not want this procedure, who does not want to give birth alone, who does not want to be killed for the honor of her family then it is an issue of equality and of choice.
the way i see it, if i were a young woman living at any period in the past when the only options open to me were marriage and motherhood i would want support in fighting this. i would want this support whether or not i chose to take advantage of new avenues open to me, whether i decided ultimately to commit my life to motherhood and marriage or to a career as a friggin' brain surgeon or astronaut. because equality is the main issue here.
i am feeling today a lot of what i often felt in india: this gap between fury and confusion; this gap between my tie to indian women through gender, and my inability to understand their circumstances because of differences in background, culture, class. but even just as a human there is a tie in the desire for choice; for the power to choose how one lives their life, who controls that life, who decides what does and doesn't happen, and the power to live a life free of subordination and violence.
does this make sense?
i know i've gotten in a lot of heated debates about this before: whether as so-called westerners we should stand up for issues that go against someone else's "culture". my stance has often been that perhaps our role is not so much to go out there and say "you're wrong, i'm right", but instead to be there for support of whoever may desire equal choice, equal treatment. do we have a role at all to play?
to me saying that we can't stand up for an issue because we are not involved is the same as saying that men shouldn't fight for women's rights because it is a woman's issue, that humans shouldn't defend animal rights because we can't possibly know what they want. but isn't it an equality issue instead, and an issue of violence? shouldn't we have the obligation to stop suffering? can we ever know whether someone is suffering if they don't tell us?
and what of inequalities here in canada? how much representation do we truly have in politics? how much do we make in comparison to men? and if there are indeed still institutional inequalities then who are we to go off to sub-saharan africa to change someone else's culture?
well, i'll leave you with that. there are a lot of different ideas battling it out in my brain, so let me know how you feel.
what do you think about the idea of moral relativism? do you think that it is wrong for we in the proverbial west to say: "hey, female genital mutilation is wrong!", or "stop killing women for the honor of your family" or "get that woman to a god-damned hospital before she gets fistula, yo!"
i mean, y'all probably know where i stand, but i'd like to know what everyone thinks. to me the idea that as a woman, as a person i can't say that doing something potentially devastating, brutal, violent against the will of another is wrong is infuriating.
a guy in my class today actually compared female genital circumcision to that of male circumcision - i can see his point in the fact that this is done without consent, but to compare a procedure that is done in adulthood and takes away any and all sexual pleasure for the rest of one's life to a procedure that, as far as i can see, is essentially aesthetic seems a bit stretched. but then, i've never been circumcised. anybody out there that has been: any thoughts? i think the part that riled me up was that his intention was not to point out agency but to say that we shouldn't judge or try to change another culture, because this is their choice.
to me this seems irrelevant - to my sensibilities it is NOT a cultural issue, it is an issue of agency, of power, of human rights. if there is a single woman out there who does not want this procedure, who does not want to give birth alone, who does not want to be killed for the honor of her family then it is an issue of equality and of choice.
the way i see it, if i were a young woman living at any period in the past when the only options open to me were marriage and motherhood i would want support in fighting this. i would want this support whether or not i chose to take advantage of new avenues open to me, whether i decided ultimately to commit my life to motherhood and marriage or to a career as a friggin' brain surgeon or astronaut. because equality is the main issue here.
i am feeling today a lot of what i often felt in india: this gap between fury and confusion; this gap between my tie to indian women through gender, and my inability to understand their circumstances because of differences in background, culture, class. but even just as a human there is a tie in the desire for choice; for the power to choose how one lives their life, who controls that life, who decides what does and doesn't happen, and the power to live a life free of subordination and violence.
does this make sense?
i know i've gotten in a lot of heated debates about this before: whether as so-called westerners we should stand up for issues that go against someone else's "culture". my stance has often been that perhaps our role is not so much to go out there and say "you're wrong, i'm right", but instead to be there for support of whoever may desire equal choice, equal treatment. do we have a role at all to play?
to me saying that we can't stand up for an issue because we are not involved is the same as saying that men shouldn't fight for women's rights because it is a woman's issue, that humans shouldn't defend animal rights because we can't possibly know what they want. but isn't it an equality issue instead, and an issue of violence? shouldn't we have the obligation to stop suffering? can we ever know whether someone is suffering if they don't tell us?
and what of inequalities here in canada? how much representation do we truly have in politics? how much do we make in comparison to men? and if there are indeed still institutional inequalities then who are we to go off to sub-saharan africa to change someone else's culture?
well, i'll leave you with that. there are a lot of different ideas battling it out in my brain, so let me know how you feel.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
what i'm learning at university...
today in class we discussed the grisly details of a maternal disease called fistula, a scarring and killing off of tissue around the pelvis because of obstructed and therefore grossly prolonged labor (ie a baby being forced against your pelvis) - usually more than 48 hours, sometimes up to 12 days. if this prospect isn't enough to turn you off motherhood, the actual effects of this condition are to create a permanent and constant condition of incontinence, urinary and anal; in other words a relentless stream of urine and feces coming out of you for the rest of your life. it can also cause something called "foot drop" where the deformity of your pelvis causes you to drag one foot. both of these symptoms usually result in a woman being disowned by her husband, sent back to her family and alienated by her entire community, often ending up as a beggar. Fistula is most common in girls under 16, since it is most likely to occur when the pelvis is not yet fully developed and therefore not big enough to fit a baby, and it will last indefinitely if not surgically remedied. it is not uncommon in girls as young as ten. this disorder is actually extremely rare in wealthy nations since a c-section can easily treat obstetric obstructions and thus prevent fistula from ever happening.
have i mentioned that my program is occasionally depressing? other bright topics this week were killings of women in pakistan by family members when they left abusive husbands, the long term and unforeseeable effects of carbon in the atmosphere, the huge ratio of men to women in many countries due to selective abortion and infanticide, the widespread chaos and destruction of ecosystems that exotic species are causing around the globe, germany under hitler, and the spread of multi-drug resistant tuberculosis as well as its prevalence among marginalized and impoverished groups.
is it any wonder i'm so cynical?
have i mentioned that my program is occasionally depressing? other bright topics this week were killings of women in pakistan by family members when they left abusive husbands, the long term and unforeseeable effects of carbon in the atmosphere, the huge ratio of men to women in many countries due to selective abortion and infanticide, the widespread chaos and destruction of ecosystems that exotic species are causing around the globe, germany under hitler, and the spread of multi-drug resistant tuberculosis as well as its prevalence among marginalized and impoverished groups.
is it any wonder i'm so cynical?
Monday, November 05, 2007
london, ontario
spent the weekend in london. ontario. it was one of those towns that feels oppressive in its shittiness, in its lack of life or community or culture, full of ghost-stores long abandoned and consistently bad restaurants. it was a pretty unpleasant place, but i got to spend the weekend with my family, including my 95 year old grandma. she is still looking good, though she is a little deaf which makes conversations tricky. ("HI GRANDMA, YOU LOOK NICE!!!" "Oh, no ice thank you dear") made me think a lot about getting old, and what it would (will?) be like. imagine being 95! she has no living siblings, her parents and husband are long gone, and of course most of her friends died a long time ago (but she still has all her teeth, as she will tell you). it seems so lonely to me, but i guess everyone has a desire to live, no matter what the circumstances. i wonder why? what is it about being alive that's so great? or perhaps conversely what is so frightening about death? will i accept my mortality by the time i'm that age? does anyone ever accept it?
ah well, i can't help but believe that it is unlikely i'll make it that far, what with the million different ways we've fucked up the planet.
ok, anyways, i'm done with the doom and gloom. onwards and upwards.
it was really nice to see my family over the weekend and it made me realize that i really miss the company of people i feel comfortable around. i've been so busy that i wasn't feeling it too much, but that warm fuzzy feeling of family was enough to make me very homesick (despite the usual madness that is the gray family together in one room). and not just homesick for close friendship but homesick for that feeling of being surrounded by people who know your history and understand your humor, your asides. i dunno, i think a lot of the time too my sadness is more for things in the past than for things at a geographical distance. being at university surrounded by undergrads makes me miss that excitement of my first time around, before i realized that i would indeed have to leave school at some point and that it wouldn't be pretty. i miss my rose-tinted glasses! where did they go??!!!
ah well, i can't help but believe that it is unlikely i'll make it that far, what with the million different ways we've fucked up the planet.
ok, anyways, i'm done with the doom and gloom. onwards and upwards.
it was really nice to see my family over the weekend and it made me realize that i really miss the company of people i feel comfortable around. i've been so busy that i wasn't feeling it too much, but that warm fuzzy feeling of family was enough to make me very homesick (despite the usual madness that is the gray family together in one room). and not just homesick for close friendship but homesick for that feeling of being surrounded by people who know your history and understand your humor, your asides. i dunno, i think a lot of the time too my sadness is more for things in the past than for things at a geographical distance. being at university surrounded by undergrads makes me miss that excitement of my first time around, before i realized that i would indeed have to leave school at some point and that it wouldn't be pretty. i miss my rose-tinted glasses! where did they go??!!!
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