well, what to say. ive been trying to figure out exactly what a blog entails; it is neither journal nor email. it is a new enigma created by the cyberworld. and what exactly do i want to say here, and who exactly am i trying to say it to. is this an advertisement for my good spelling, my ability to express myself, or is it merely a place to purge my emotions and opinions with the added benefit of an audience...
oh me oh my.
well.
ive had a bit of a crazy ride lately. trying to figure out so many things: how to live the life i want, how to start over, how to leave everyone behind, return to them and leave them behind again. and whats important to me, and what is not.
trying to deal with personal angst, with selfishness. trying to juggle my own struggle with unexpected grief, with the grief of those i love. trying to find a balance between necessary selfishness and unnecessary self-absorption. trying to deal with this sudden fear of death that leaves me each night staring through the dark, clutching at wakefulness for fear of losing everything. and the fear of losing others grips me too, a fear that is grounded in reality.
trying to start a new life. falling in love with this city and its surprises. i keep getting lost in the view on my way to the loo. at night it makes me feel like im in a spaceship looking down at some science fiction city full of flying cars and floating skyscrapers.
just finished reading 'harold and maude'. it was like watching the movie in subtitles, minus the cat stevens. it was the perfect book for the state i'm in. L-I-V-E LIVE! coming through sadness and loss with a new appreciation for how precious, how joyful life is. being human, feeling human. being thankful for each day of life, but accepting death as part of everything. a fine balance...
i still don't know what this blog is for.
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2 comments:
you want a spot on my list, but deny me one on yours?
we have an issue that will not be easily resolved.
oh yeah, what blog is: a pseudo-important diary.
I write much that I don't post (I delete or save elsewhere), coerced into writing by my adoring fans, who chastise if I don't write enough. The act of writing is initiated, then can go in many directions.
That, at least, is why I still blog. I was unable (unwilling) to keep a diary, but I like writing and thinking about new things.
This is the best of both worlds. If, on the other hand, you are good at writing and do it without being forced, then the blog is only good as a way of keeping those who are interested up to date on your life - it is easier than writing individually, and less cheesy than group emails.
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