i'm sitting in the kitchen, watching the snow fall, drinking coffee number three, listening to christmas music and feeling awfully festive. pretty soon i will start making christmas cards, and perhaps this year may even have them mailed/delivered before christmas. well, let's be honest here, most years i don't even finish making them... but here i am, done school, unemployed, broke as hell... so this is the year! send me your addresses! on the double!
had a lovely day yesterday. monday was my last exam, and i vowed to spend tuesday doing only enjoyable things. i woke up late with a pounding headache and some rather unpleasant nausea from a few too many glasses of cheap red wine. went to cafe deux soleil and drank refill after refill while reading some really great short stories. fiction! such luxury. wandered down the drive, rosy-cheeked, peering in windows but resisting spending the few dollars i have left these days. went into highlife where meg's family friend kevin works, listened to some of his recommendations for a while. contemplated buying a thirty dollar compilation of ethiopian music, resisted resisted. went swimming at brittania, and wandered in just as free swim was starting. sat in the sauna with a half-dozen elderly ladies who sat and gossipped and slapped their skin around. went to the library, where they forgave 70 dollars worth of fines (!), and ended up taking out a dozen books (fiction!). went to lori's house to say goodbye before she left for nova scotia, went to helen's for dinner snacks and conversations about south africa, books, and ways to escape the 9 to 5 lifestyle. watched delicatessen and snuggled with a fluffy grey cat.
i've been feeling a bit more relaxed these days. i keep having to remind myself that every decision about my future does not need to be made right this very instant. i have lots of uncertainties, but who doesn't? i'm just going to go with things for now. i got a job nannying for an awfully cute little chubby-cheeked smiley baby in january, part-time. should leave me some time for a second job, for volunteering in a classroom to test the waters of my future career, and time to spend with my nearest and dearest. i've pretty much committed for a year, so looks like i'll be sticking around these parts for a while. which feels pretty good. not that i had any plans to leave, but some days i do start to think how nice it would be to live in a hammock on a beach in mexico for a little while...but who doesn't? there will be time for all that, i'm sure.
but yes. the holidays are upon us. i feel so jolly.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, November 09, 2008
yes we can!
i am going back and forth these days between total contentment with every single part of my little life, to total despair about the future. i am feeling cynical and discouraged about my latest career path. i just don't know if i'm cut out for a life without academia, without bouncing ideas around with people my own age. i mean, elementary school students have fantastic, fascinating ideas too, and i find kids can be as inspiring as adults, and often in a more open way, and yet... my mind wanders back constantly to the idea of a masters. i dunno, i just have so much i still need to focus on before i can fathom focusing on teaching math, teaching basic social skills. it's a noble job, but is it the noble job for me?
i feel kinda redundant these days. is this all i ever talk about? i hope not. cause there is so much great stuff going on my life. maybe not anything specifically, but in general i just seem to be surrounded by fantastic people, and seem to be having a lot of good conversations, a lot of good food, a lot of good times. been dreading the end of school a bit; that emptiness that comes when suddenly i don't have something i should be learning every single minute of every single day. but trying to remember the possibilities that that opens up for self-education; for reading what i want, learning what i want when i want, and experiencing things too. experiencing is always good.
but man. obama! i've been feeling so much less cynical for the last week, feeling like there is indeed hope, even if he is just a symbol of change and not necessarily the change itself. we'll have to wait and see what happens, but really, just his being there, as president of the United States is momentous enough to make me feel like people still care about the world and each other. and that is no small thing. his speech really did seem to be coming from a place of honesty, of genuine concern and love for people. and finally someone who turns it all around and tells us it is us, the people, who have to make the changes needed; that casting a vote is only a tiny step in a giant movement. i dunno, i'm feeling pretty hopeful right now, and i feel like maybe this is an important time to be alive, and an important time for us to all start making some serious changes, take some action to make the world the way we want it to be.
yeah. i dunno. it's an exciting, scary time to be alive.
i feel kinda redundant these days. is this all i ever talk about? i hope not. cause there is so much great stuff going on my life. maybe not anything specifically, but in general i just seem to be surrounded by fantastic people, and seem to be having a lot of good conversations, a lot of good food, a lot of good times. been dreading the end of school a bit; that emptiness that comes when suddenly i don't have something i should be learning every single minute of every single day. but trying to remember the possibilities that that opens up for self-education; for reading what i want, learning what i want when i want, and experiencing things too. experiencing is always good.
but man. obama! i've been feeling so much less cynical for the last week, feeling like there is indeed hope, even if he is just a symbol of change and not necessarily the change itself. we'll have to wait and see what happens, but really, just his being there, as president of the United States is momentous enough to make me feel like people still care about the world and each other. and that is no small thing. his speech really did seem to be coming from a place of honesty, of genuine concern and love for people. and finally someone who turns it all around and tells us it is us, the people, who have to make the changes needed; that casting a vote is only a tiny step in a giant movement. i dunno, i'm feeling pretty hopeful right now, and i feel like maybe this is an important time to be alive, and an important time for us to all start making some serious changes, take some action to make the world the way we want it to be.
yeah. i dunno. it's an exciting, scary time to be alive.
Monday, October 27, 2008
i should really be writing my paper that's due in two days and that i have, in typical kerria fashion, not yet started. but instead i'm listening to graceland in the computer lab, looking at exciting opportunities, writing to my friends, thinking about my life. i can't believe it's already the end of october. so much has happened in the last few months, and i sometimes find it hard to believe that only two months ago i was living in montreal. my life has been in constant flux, but somehow i am ecstatically happy these days, on and off. i absolutely love being back in vancouver, it is so beautiful here, and i love being around all my old friends, as well as new ones; all these people in my life these days who are so very smart, who think about the world and want to make it a better place, each in their own way.
but yeah, it's been a crazy few weeks. my sister and i flew to ontario to visit our grandmother in the hospital, and she passed away just as our plane was landing in the toronto airport. i regret not going earlier, i regret not knowing her better. it would have been her 96th birthday in a week. my family and i spent a lot of time sifting through her old photographs, marveling at how very long my grandma lived, how much happiness there was in her life. we found boxes of love letters from my grandpa in their courting days, filled with 'darling' and 'beautiful' and so many sweet things. so many sweet stories were told about my grandma over the weekend, revealing so many parts of her i never knew. she was certainly a character: she never left the house - EVER - without a few hours of primping, even at age 95 she had to look her very best. and did that woman have style! I remember, too, every time i would go visit for her birthday over the years, she would always scold my father for his appearance, and every year without fail she would say to him "you're not going out in THAT, are you brian?". and every year she would remind everyone with pride that she still had all her own teeth. i miss her.
this weekend was less sad. kristy, eben, noah and harmony came to visit, and on thursday we went to see tanya tagaq, which was intense. i sat in the front row right in front of her, and she emitted the most haunting un-human sounds for 45 minutes without stopping. i was exhausted by the end. and the parade of lost souls on saturday was great fun. there were so many cute dogs dressed in costumes! and great human costumes too, and i drank a lot of wine and giggled a lot, which is always nice. but then someone stole my bicycle lights and i almost got hit by a car and then almost got car-doored by the drunk girls in the car. but i guess i was a little tipsy myself, so... and yesterday meg and vanessa and i went out to vanessa's parents' house in langley, where her wonderful mother taught us to make her special bread that she learned to make from her grandmother, and even gave us some of her culture that she has been keeping alive for years. we have named our culture tony, and he will be a well-loved addition to our household. it was such a nice day, spent learning something so simple and basic and ancient from someone who learned it from earlier generations...a room full of women baking bread and talking about food and family. nice.
anyways. it was a lovely weekend, but i didn't crack a book. i am already miles behind because of my trip to ontario, and i just keep falling further and further and further back. so, time to start writing this paper.
but yeah, it's been a crazy few weeks. my sister and i flew to ontario to visit our grandmother in the hospital, and she passed away just as our plane was landing in the toronto airport. i regret not going earlier, i regret not knowing her better. it would have been her 96th birthday in a week. my family and i spent a lot of time sifting through her old photographs, marveling at how very long my grandma lived, how much happiness there was in her life. we found boxes of love letters from my grandpa in their courting days, filled with 'darling' and 'beautiful' and so many sweet things. so many sweet stories were told about my grandma over the weekend, revealing so many parts of her i never knew. she was certainly a character: she never left the house - EVER - without a few hours of primping, even at age 95 she had to look her very best. and did that woman have style! I remember, too, every time i would go visit for her birthday over the years, she would always scold my father for his appearance, and every year without fail she would say to him "you're not going out in THAT, are you brian?". and every year she would remind everyone with pride that she still had all her own teeth. i miss her.
this weekend was less sad. kristy, eben, noah and harmony came to visit, and on thursday we went to see tanya tagaq, which was intense. i sat in the front row right in front of her, and she emitted the most haunting un-human sounds for 45 minutes without stopping. i was exhausted by the end. and the parade of lost souls on saturday was great fun. there were so many cute dogs dressed in costumes! and great human costumes too, and i drank a lot of wine and giggled a lot, which is always nice. but then someone stole my bicycle lights and i almost got hit by a car and then almost got car-doored by the drunk girls in the car. but i guess i was a little tipsy myself, so... and yesterday meg and vanessa and i went out to vanessa's parents' house in langley, where her wonderful mother taught us to make her special bread that she learned to make from her grandmother, and even gave us some of her culture that she has been keeping alive for years. we have named our culture tony, and he will be a well-loved addition to our household. it was such a nice day, spent learning something so simple and basic and ancient from someone who learned it from earlier generations...a room full of women baking bread and talking about food and family. nice.
anyways. it was a lovely weekend, but i didn't crack a book. i am already miles behind because of my trip to ontario, and i just keep falling further and further and further back. so, time to start writing this paper.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
hmm. vancouver. i rode my bike back to east van from langara yesterday evening in the brief period between rainstorms, and ended up stopping my bike at some large cemetery to gape. the green of the grass, the bit of rainy mist in the distance, the blue of the mountains, the orangey red trees! this is a beautiful city. i've recently reacquainted with my bike, and it's quite nice (bad timing though - i seem to have taken it out of retirement just as the 6 months of rain are starting). actually, it's my mom's bike that i am riding, and boy is she a beauty. she's got at least four different shades of fluorescent, which looks just lovely when i lock her up with the hot green lock i've somehow acquired. it kinda reminds me of the outfits my mom used to make for me that were made out of some sort of scratchy, starchy unmoving material...
anyways, vancouver is real pretty, even in the rain. i have a cozy sense of home here. it's nice.
anyways, vancouver is real pretty, even in the rain. i have a cozy sense of home here. it's nice.
Monday, September 01, 2008
more ramblings on the same-old same-old...
vancouver. i've been back for a little over a week, and it feels already like forever - almost as though montreal was a dream and i never really left. except a lot has changed since last i was here, in sly little ways.
i spent my first week back home volunteering at the ubc farm's summer camp for kids. it was amazing to have the opportunity to combine some of my favorite things - agriculture, environmentalism, kids... and of course petting chickens. and building forts in the forest. and jumping around barefoot in clay. and picking blackberries. and eating blackberries, and grinding wheat into flour, and cooking amazing fresh food... pretty much everything we did can be counted among my favorite things, actually. and the kids were just so much fun - even in a week i felt like i grew so attached to the wide-eyed little critters. i think it gave me a good taste of what education is all about; how rewarding it can be helping kids learn, discover, adapt to new situations. i was amazed, too, at how kind and considerate kids are at that age, how inclusive and non-judgemental. it was refreshing, touching. i teared up a little on the last day, realizing that i wouldn't get to hang out with these kids anymore.
i guess it made me feel a bit more confident in the path i've started on. i still have a lot of doubts and hesitations. a lot of second thoughts, a lot of cynical thoughts about giving up my dreams, about giving up on a direction i thought i wanted. but i try to remember the ways that education can intersect with all those things and i try to remember how important education and children are to making changes in the world. this was something that came up a lot in convoluted class discussions last year in some of my environment classes: often the discussion would spiral and spiral around different ways to make things better, but always it seemed to come down to the fact that everyone must be aware of the problems and potential solutions and the ways that their own behaviors affect the world, and they must care about nature and humans and the world and the universe in order to want to make sacrifices, changes. and the best and most consistent place to foster and nurture this sense of wonder, caring, and love of the planet is in school, starting from a young age.
but, well, i'm starting down this road, and i can't really get off it for now. i started my prereqs for education at langara this week, and though my profs and classes are so far much better than i expected, i am still finding it hard to get excited about being in school. i am feeling very torn, too, between my passion for environmental politics and my need (or perceived need) to pursue something more practical. i still dream of a master's program one day, and maybe i will still apply. but where am i going with all this? i'm already on my third post-secondary instititution...how much more disconnected random schooling can i do before i stick to something fully? i keep thinking that at some point i will find a way to tie it all together.... how can i combine education with my excitement about organic agriculture, my excitement about environmental philosophy, activism, etc? i know i keep asking this question, coming back these same themes lately, but they are foremost in my mind right now. how how how can i live with myself if i give up on one thing to pursue something else?
anyways. vancouver. the sun is shining and my friends are so nearby. it is so good to be here. i'll stick to the everyday stuff for now, try to focus on that. try to stop planning the future so much and just let things come in here and there to shape my direction.
i spent my first week back home volunteering at the ubc farm's summer camp for kids. it was amazing to have the opportunity to combine some of my favorite things - agriculture, environmentalism, kids... and of course petting chickens. and building forts in the forest. and jumping around barefoot in clay. and picking blackberries. and eating blackberries, and grinding wheat into flour, and cooking amazing fresh food... pretty much everything we did can be counted among my favorite things, actually. and the kids were just so much fun - even in a week i felt like i grew so attached to the wide-eyed little critters. i think it gave me a good taste of what education is all about; how rewarding it can be helping kids learn, discover, adapt to new situations. i was amazed, too, at how kind and considerate kids are at that age, how inclusive and non-judgemental. it was refreshing, touching. i teared up a little on the last day, realizing that i wouldn't get to hang out with these kids anymore.
i guess it made me feel a bit more confident in the path i've started on. i still have a lot of doubts and hesitations. a lot of second thoughts, a lot of cynical thoughts about giving up my dreams, about giving up on a direction i thought i wanted. but i try to remember the ways that education can intersect with all those things and i try to remember how important education and children are to making changes in the world. this was something that came up a lot in convoluted class discussions last year in some of my environment classes: often the discussion would spiral and spiral around different ways to make things better, but always it seemed to come down to the fact that everyone must be aware of the problems and potential solutions and the ways that their own behaviors affect the world, and they must care about nature and humans and the world and the universe in order to want to make sacrifices, changes. and the best and most consistent place to foster and nurture this sense of wonder, caring, and love of the planet is in school, starting from a young age.
but, well, i'm starting down this road, and i can't really get off it for now. i started my prereqs for education at langara this week, and though my profs and classes are so far much better than i expected, i am still finding it hard to get excited about being in school. i am feeling very torn, too, between my passion for environmental politics and my need (or perceived need) to pursue something more practical. i still dream of a master's program one day, and maybe i will still apply. but where am i going with all this? i'm already on my third post-secondary instititution...how much more disconnected random schooling can i do before i stick to something fully? i keep thinking that at some point i will find a way to tie it all together.... how can i combine education with my excitement about organic agriculture, my excitement about environmental philosophy, activism, etc? i know i keep asking this question, coming back these same themes lately, but they are foremost in my mind right now. how how how can i live with myself if i give up on one thing to pursue something else?
anyways. vancouver. the sun is shining and my friends are so nearby. it is so good to be here. i'll stick to the everyday stuff for now, try to focus on that. try to stop planning the future so much and just let things come in here and there to shape my direction.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
first we'll take manhattan
i love new york.
my friend liz and i made a short little trip down, cause, well, i'm running out of time out east and i needed to see new york. we got in at 6 am from the torture that is an overnight greyhound (made even more painful by the 1 am stop at the border) and wandered around times square in a daze, with only street cleaners and the NYPD to keep us company. we wandered north, picked up a sunday edition of the new york times and meandered through central park until the excitement began to fade as exhaustion sunk in. we took a little nap near a fountain, until the sun got too hot and we decided it was time for some fifth avenue gawking. tiffany's! fifth ave saks! the infamous apple store! we ate a hot pretzel, but it was still frozen inside. alas. we tried to walk all the way down to the lower east side, but then realized it was seventy blocks in the hot sun and we both wilted a little. subway time! even taking public transit seemed exciting in new york. had our first (but not last) slice of new york pizza. cheesy. delish. tired.
took a nap and then wandered for a while, looking through some vintage stores - but this was new york after all. i gawked at beautiful shoes and dresses and cried a few tears when i looked at their price tags. ah well, happy hour cheered us up, and then we went to the top of the rockefeller centre which cheered us up even more. NEW YORK! it's so big, so urban, so famous. chrysler building, central park, empire state building, all at once. then liz proposed to me, and i said YES! then liz mooned all of northern manhattan. and we watched the sun set over the city and that was also not so bad.
then we wandered around times square, trying on makeup and trying not to think about the diseases we were going to get. found ourselves back in the east village, went for a beer on houston street and realized we had wandered into some sort of karaoke night filled with NYU theatre and music students. a skinny white girl with big glasses rocked a couple of salt and peppa songs (holy shit, not many people can pull off 'what a man' at karaoke), some broadway boy did a rousing rendition of bohemian rhapsody and by the time jesse's girl came on everyone was flailing around on the dance floor. i've never seen people rock out so much to karaoke. a pretty boy in a sweater vest convinced liz to go up and sing fat bottomed girls. that got the dancers flailing some more.
the next morning we slept in a bit, grabbed coffee at a little stand (75 cents, what a steal) and grabbed the subway up to times square. five minutes after we got out of the subway station thunder began to rumble, and about two blocks later (thirty or so to go) the sky cracked open and it poured like a motherfucker. unfortunately we were right on the edge of central park with not a single store or cafe or awning to hide under, so we huddled under a tree with some other unfortunate souls. that stayed dry for about seven seconds and then we resigned ourselves to a day of squishy shoes and damp sweaters. when the rain let up we walked up to the museum of natural history which was, unfortunately, well air-conditioned. shivered through the asian mammals, the peoples of asia and africa, the dinosaurs, the ocean mammals, the birds, etc etc until we shivered out into the light of day. liz wandered off to strawberry fields and i hurried down to the MoMA before it closed. HOLY SHIT. the museum of modern art is amazing. the most famous art by the most famous artists; andy warhol's soup cans, six or so wall sized jackson pollocks, willem de kooning's woman I, newman's onement 1, a bunch of rothko's, cezanne, seurat, van gogh, picasso, degas, matisse, marcel duchamp's 'in advance of a broken arm', kahlo, jasper john's 'flag', man ray, cindy sherman, barbara kruger... there must have been billions and billions of dollar's worth of art in there. i had chills. and i barely scratched the surface in the three hours i had. and i didn't even make it to the guggenheim, the met, the whitney, or any of the contemporary galleries. ART HEAVEN! i can't wait to go back.
liz and i met up later and took the ferry to staten island and back, which was a nice free way to see the statue of liberty up close. we caught the boat right at sunset, which was quite nice, and it had a beautiful view of manhattan too. it was nice to smell the ocean - it's been quite some time.
we went to some dive later on whose selling point was 1.50 beers and 5 shots for 10 dollars. (we are cheap). got hit on by some german-american republicans. liz's pretty blonde hair seemed to attract boys everywhere we went. we chatted with them for a while as they discussed the merits of mccain and the socialist leanings of barack obama while i drank the beer they bought for us and gazed off into the distance, trying not to roll my eyes. they invited us chez them after having a long discussion amongst themselves in german while constantly gesturing towards us, so we decided it was time to call it a night. oh america.
next morning liz and i separated ways; she went down to wall street and then off to catch an early bus, and i spent the entire day walking through the east village, soho, greenwich village, and chelsea. i finally caved and took the subway back up to central park to see strawberry fields and watch happy couples row around the lake. i never found the carousel, but alas, another time.
i already have a seven mile list of all the things i want to see and do next time around. perhaps the autumn next time?
i got back to montreal yesterday and i have spent my time procrastinating. matt and i leave for the gaspe tomorrow and i still haven't packed any of my stuff to move home. we will only have one more day in montreal after tomorrow, and i'm feeling very ready to go back to bc. i registered for my courses at langara yesterday and i can't say i feel much of that back to school excitement. fundamental principles of mathematics, british columbia resources and geography, canadian colonial history and a biology course of some sort. oy.
ah well, it is a step towards somewhere i think i want to be. i hope i want to be. we shall see. i am getting nervous about committing to this career path, but i also feel a bit excited.
well, a bit more than a week left, and i will be in fair vancouver by the sea. hurrah!
my friend liz and i made a short little trip down, cause, well, i'm running out of time out east and i needed to see new york. we got in at 6 am from the torture that is an overnight greyhound (made even more painful by the 1 am stop at the border) and wandered around times square in a daze, with only street cleaners and the NYPD to keep us company. we wandered north, picked up a sunday edition of the new york times and meandered through central park until the excitement began to fade as exhaustion sunk in. we took a little nap near a fountain, until the sun got too hot and we decided it was time for some fifth avenue gawking. tiffany's! fifth ave saks! the infamous apple store! we ate a hot pretzel, but it was still frozen inside. alas. we tried to walk all the way down to the lower east side, but then realized it was seventy blocks in the hot sun and we both wilted a little. subway time! even taking public transit seemed exciting in new york. had our first (but not last) slice of new york pizza. cheesy. delish. tired.
took a nap and then wandered for a while, looking through some vintage stores - but this was new york after all. i gawked at beautiful shoes and dresses and cried a few tears when i looked at their price tags. ah well, happy hour cheered us up, and then we went to the top of the rockefeller centre which cheered us up even more. NEW YORK! it's so big, so urban, so famous. chrysler building, central park, empire state building, all at once. then liz proposed to me, and i said YES! then liz mooned all of northern manhattan. and we watched the sun set over the city and that was also not so bad.
then we wandered around times square, trying on makeup and trying not to think about the diseases we were going to get. found ourselves back in the east village, went for a beer on houston street and realized we had wandered into some sort of karaoke night filled with NYU theatre and music students. a skinny white girl with big glasses rocked a couple of salt and peppa songs (holy shit, not many people can pull off 'what a man' at karaoke), some broadway boy did a rousing rendition of bohemian rhapsody and by the time jesse's girl came on everyone was flailing around on the dance floor. i've never seen people rock out so much to karaoke. a pretty boy in a sweater vest convinced liz to go up and sing fat bottomed girls. that got the dancers flailing some more.
the next morning we slept in a bit, grabbed coffee at a little stand (75 cents, what a steal) and grabbed the subway up to times square. five minutes after we got out of the subway station thunder began to rumble, and about two blocks later (thirty or so to go) the sky cracked open and it poured like a motherfucker. unfortunately we were right on the edge of central park with not a single store or cafe or awning to hide under, so we huddled under a tree with some other unfortunate souls. that stayed dry for about seven seconds and then we resigned ourselves to a day of squishy shoes and damp sweaters. when the rain let up we walked up to the museum of natural history which was, unfortunately, well air-conditioned. shivered through the asian mammals, the peoples of asia and africa, the dinosaurs, the ocean mammals, the birds, etc etc until we shivered out into the light of day. liz wandered off to strawberry fields and i hurried down to the MoMA before it closed. HOLY SHIT. the museum of modern art is amazing. the most famous art by the most famous artists; andy warhol's soup cans, six or so wall sized jackson pollocks, willem de kooning's woman I, newman's onement 1, a bunch of rothko's, cezanne, seurat, van gogh, picasso, degas, matisse, marcel duchamp's 'in advance of a broken arm', kahlo, jasper john's 'flag', man ray, cindy sherman, barbara kruger... there must have been billions and billions of dollar's worth of art in there. i had chills. and i barely scratched the surface in the three hours i had. and i didn't even make it to the guggenheim, the met, the whitney, or any of the contemporary galleries. ART HEAVEN! i can't wait to go back.
liz and i met up later and took the ferry to staten island and back, which was a nice free way to see the statue of liberty up close. we caught the boat right at sunset, which was quite nice, and it had a beautiful view of manhattan too. it was nice to smell the ocean - it's been quite some time.
we went to some dive later on whose selling point was 1.50 beers and 5 shots for 10 dollars. (we are cheap). got hit on by some german-american republicans. liz's pretty blonde hair seemed to attract boys everywhere we went. we chatted with them for a while as they discussed the merits of mccain and the socialist leanings of barack obama while i drank the beer they bought for us and gazed off into the distance, trying not to roll my eyes. they invited us chez them after having a long discussion amongst themselves in german while constantly gesturing towards us, so we decided it was time to call it a night. oh america.
next morning liz and i separated ways; she went down to wall street and then off to catch an early bus, and i spent the entire day walking through the east village, soho, greenwich village, and chelsea. i finally caved and took the subway back up to central park to see strawberry fields and watch happy couples row around the lake. i never found the carousel, but alas, another time.
i already have a seven mile list of all the things i want to see and do next time around. perhaps the autumn next time?
i got back to montreal yesterday and i have spent my time procrastinating. matt and i leave for the gaspe tomorrow and i still haven't packed any of my stuff to move home. we will only have one more day in montreal after tomorrow, and i'm feeling very ready to go back to bc. i registered for my courses at langara yesterday and i can't say i feel much of that back to school excitement. fundamental principles of mathematics, british columbia resources and geography, canadian colonial history and a biology course of some sort. oy.
ah well, it is a step towards somewhere i think i want to be. i hope i want to be. we shall see. i am getting nervous about committing to this career path, but i also feel a bit excited.
well, a bit more than a week left, and i will be in fair vancouver by the sea. hurrah!
Friday, July 25, 2008
some recent thoughts and decisions
i have finally come to a concrete decision, and now that it's made i feel much better. i will be flying home to vancouver on august 23rd, and that is that. i realized in the last week that i have always wanted to come home, but my hesitation was a result of that nagging voice telling me what i should do rather than acknowledging what i wanted, deep down:
i should stay here while i can.
i should work on my french more.
i should remember that i may never get to live here again.
i should try to get to know all the people i have met here better.
i should explore the east more.
i should save more money to pay off my loan.
and so on. and so it goes.
but now that the decision is made, i feel a sense of relief, i feel a weight lifted. i have been worrying and weighing this decision daily. each morning i have been waking up and saying to myself "which way are you leaning today?" the anxiety was keeping me up at night. and now, presto, i have decided. and i am looking forward to starting a life that is a bit more permanent than the one i have been living for the last three years or so. i plan to plant some herbs, some flowers. i plan to paint my room. i plan to have dinner parties. i plan to start working towards a career that will make me happy, or at least not miserable.
i am thinking seriously of applying for teacher's college, to become a teacher of kidlets. i don't know if this will fit me yet, but i have had some great conversations lately about education as a possible career path. my mother, of course, has been pushing for this for quite some time, but, being my mother, it is harder to see her advice as objective. i have also been talking a lot with the woman i work for, and it has definitely made me see that teaching as a profession gives you a lot of freedom, a lot of space to nurture creativity and passion and caring. this is important to me: i don't want to go into teaching only to discover that i have made no difference in the lives of any of my students. i don't want to be an automaton spouting off figures and facts. i don't want to be rigidly constrained by curriculums, bureaucracy, or conservative values. but my view of teaching has definitely been changed by speaking with her, and with my mother, and by simply thinking about some of the teachers i loved when i was growing up. by seeing all the former students who still remember my mom, even twenty years later. speaking with meggie, too, has been interesting. she too has decided to follow this path, after years of dreaming of a career in cooking. and her reasons are not merely practical: they are informed by the lives of her two teacher parents; by the people they have touched and by their outlooks on life, the lifestyle they maintained as teachers. and remembering how much time my mama could spend with me and my sister and my dad every summer. remembering our month-long trips in the volkswagon every summer that were, in hindsight, exceptional in a day and age when two weeks off a year is the average. it is a good life, i think. two months off a year to pursue other interests, other endeavours, to spend with people you love - not to mention all the other holidays smatter-scattered through the year. a two-month holiday is a big thing.
so, i'm still not sure this is what i want, but i do know that i don't want a job that involves staring at a computer screen for eight hours a day, no matter how much good i might be doing for the world. it is important to me to be active, to be doing something that involves some creativity, some inspiration. and kids do indeed inspire me. i love the energy and excitement that kids bring to things. i have never once dreaded going to any of my jobs that have involved children. i always leave in a better mood than i have started. i guess the question, however, has never been whether i want to work with kids: i do. the question has always been: in what capacity, in what context? what i have wanted the most to do is to combine my interest in environment, agriculture and politics with my interest in education. and that is possible, i know, but is it practical? can i bring my other interests into a classroom setting?
anyways, these are things i have been putting a lot of thought into lately. i know that i would probably love teaching, and i hope that i could be good at it. and i know that whatever career path i finally end up on, i will always be able to pursue the things i want to pursue outside of that. it is good to remember that.
i should stay here while i can.
i should work on my french more.
i should remember that i may never get to live here again.
i should try to get to know all the people i have met here better.
i should explore the east more.
i should save more money to pay off my loan.
and so on. and so it goes.
but now that the decision is made, i feel a sense of relief, i feel a weight lifted. i have been worrying and weighing this decision daily. each morning i have been waking up and saying to myself "which way are you leaning today?" the anxiety was keeping me up at night. and now, presto, i have decided. and i am looking forward to starting a life that is a bit more permanent than the one i have been living for the last three years or so. i plan to plant some herbs, some flowers. i plan to paint my room. i plan to have dinner parties. i plan to start working towards a career that will make me happy, or at least not miserable.
i am thinking seriously of applying for teacher's college, to become a teacher of kidlets. i don't know if this will fit me yet, but i have had some great conversations lately about education as a possible career path. my mother, of course, has been pushing for this for quite some time, but, being my mother, it is harder to see her advice as objective. i have also been talking a lot with the woman i work for, and it has definitely made me see that teaching as a profession gives you a lot of freedom, a lot of space to nurture creativity and passion and caring. this is important to me: i don't want to go into teaching only to discover that i have made no difference in the lives of any of my students. i don't want to be an automaton spouting off figures and facts. i don't want to be rigidly constrained by curriculums, bureaucracy, or conservative values. but my view of teaching has definitely been changed by speaking with her, and with my mother, and by simply thinking about some of the teachers i loved when i was growing up. by seeing all the former students who still remember my mom, even twenty years later. speaking with meggie, too, has been interesting. she too has decided to follow this path, after years of dreaming of a career in cooking. and her reasons are not merely practical: they are informed by the lives of her two teacher parents; by the people they have touched and by their outlooks on life, the lifestyle they maintained as teachers. and remembering how much time my mama could spend with me and my sister and my dad every summer. remembering our month-long trips in the volkswagon every summer that were, in hindsight, exceptional in a day and age when two weeks off a year is the average. it is a good life, i think. two months off a year to pursue other interests, other endeavours, to spend with people you love - not to mention all the other holidays smatter-scattered through the year. a two-month holiday is a big thing.
so, i'm still not sure this is what i want, but i do know that i don't want a job that involves staring at a computer screen for eight hours a day, no matter how much good i might be doing for the world. it is important to me to be active, to be doing something that involves some creativity, some inspiration. and kids do indeed inspire me. i love the energy and excitement that kids bring to things. i have never once dreaded going to any of my jobs that have involved children. i always leave in a better mood than i have started. i guess the question, however, has never been whether i want to work with kids: i do. the question has always been: in what capacity, in what context? what i have wanted the most to do is to combine my interest in environment, agriculture and politics with my interest in education. and that is possible, i know, but is it practical? can i bring my other interests into a classroom setting?
anyways, these are things i have been putting a lot of thought into lately. i know that i would probably love teaching, and i hope that i could be good at it. and i know that whatever career path i finally end up on, i will always be able to pursue the things i want to pursue outside of that. it is good to remember that.
Friday, July 11, 2008
move it on over
well, it's official folks. i am now a member of the 21st century. though my cell phone has been out of commission for a year i now own one pretty little white macbook and one shiny black i-touch. i know money can't buy you happiness, but this cute-as-a-button little laptop is making me feel quite satisfied. perhaps in a couple of days the satisfaction will turn to panic (as in "oooooh shit i still have a student loan") but for now i'm going to revel in the newness.
i think a big part of it is the idea that this computer is mine, all mine, and it will be with me for a while. i can invest in things. i can put things on it that i know i won't have to pack up a few months later to move elsewhere. i can fill it with junk without feeling guilty for filling other people's computers with junk. i can dig some computer roots. maybe i feel so happy with it because it's the first thing i've committed to in quite some time. i'm sure yer all thinking "kerria, dude, it's a computer, not a life partner". but really, with all the changes and uncertainties in my life lately it's good to have at least one thing that i can commit to for a while. i know in a few years (months? days?) she'll stab me in the back and delete all my precious memories, but for now we're in a good place, she and i. let me enjoy it.
anyways, i think it's pretty obvious i'm feeling a bit nostalgic for a long-term anything. i'm still struggling with the montreal vs. vancouver issue. each morning i wake up leaning a little towards the west or a little towards the east. there is no dominant direction, and yet i have to make this choice oh-so-soon. much too soon. time is moving so-so fast lately. i've been here almost a year. i've finished an entire diploma program. i have made new friends. i've become familiar with a city that, only last september, was completely alien. i don't regret any of these things, but the fact of the matter is that i've come no closer to knowing what i want. i know i'm only 25, but i am also tired of working jobs that barely cover my rent, jobs that, though rewarding do not require me to do a lot of thinking. i'm tired of changing places all the time, whether it's to a new city or just a new house. i've moved a total of six times since graduating three years ago. this does not leave me with much of a sense of commitment to anywhere. i've pretty much stopped trying to make my houses feel like homes - i don't have the energy to build things up that i know will have to be taken apart again months later.
but where does that leave me, really? if i stay here it likely won't be for much longer - perhaps until january, or at least not more than another year. and that will likely still leave me with the sense that i can't commit to anything. and yet i love this city. the city is structured around a kind of openness and sociability; montreal has much more of a sense of vibrancy and life than vancouver ever did to me. but then i wonder if vancouver is just getting started; maybe it needs people who want to make it more people-friendly. montreal does, after all, have a good 2 or 300 years on vancouver as a city. and also when i think about it almost everyone i know in vancouver is doing something positive, interesting, something they are passionate about and that contributes to the community. vancouver doesn't lack for people who care, it just seems to lack a centre, a structure that contributes to a sense of a single community. but it does have potential, and it does feel deep down like home.
anyways, i know i'll be fine whatever decision i make. i went through all this just a year ago, and ultimately it is impossible to say whether a decision is right or wrong. it is just life, and it will be life whether i'm in montreal or vancouver. but really, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????!!!!
i think a big part of it is the idea that this computer is mine, all mine, and it will be with me for a while. i can invest in things. i can put things on it that i know i won't have to pack up a few months later to move elsewhere. i can fill it with junk without feeling guilty for filling other people's computers with junk. i can dig some computer roots. maybe i feel so happy with it because it's the first thing i've committed to in quite some time. i'm sure yer all thinking "kerria, dude, it's a computer, not a life partner". but really, with all the changes and uncertainties in my life lately it's good to have at least one thing that i can commit to for a while. i know in a few years (months? days?) she'll stab me in the back and delete all my precious memories, but for now we're in a good place, she and i. let me enjoy it.
anyways, i think it's pretty obvious i'm feeling a bit nostalgic for a long-term anything. i'm still struggling with the montreal vs. vancouver issue. each morning i wake up leaning a little towards the west or a little towards the east. there is no dominant direction, and yet i have to make this choice oh-so-soon. much too soon. time is moving so-so fast lately. i've been here almost a year. i've finished an entire diploma program. i have made new friends. i've become familiar with a city that, only last september, was completely alien. i don't regret any of these things, but the fact of the matter is that i've come no closer to knowing what i want. i know i'm only 25, but i am also tired of working jobs that barely cover my rent, jobs that, though rewarding do not require me to do a lot of thinking. i'm tired of changing places all the time, whether it's to a new city or just a new house. i've moved a total of six times since graduating three years ago. this does not leave me with much of a sense of commitment to anywhere. i've pretty much stopped trying to make my houses feel like homes - i don't have the energy to build things up that i know will have to be taken apart again months later.
but where does that leave me, really? if i stay here it likely won't be for much longer - perhaps until january, or at least not more than another year. and that will likely still leave me with the sense that i can't commit to anything. and yet i love this city. the city is structured around a kind of openness and sociability; montreal has much more of a sense of vibrancy and life than vancouver ever did to me. but then i wonder if vancouver is just getting started; maybe it needs people who want to make it more people-friendly. montreal does, after all, have a good 2 or 300 years on vancouver as a city. and also when i think about it almost everyone i know in vancouver is doing something positive, interesting, something they are passionate about and that contributes to the community. vancouver doesn't lack for people who care, it just seems to lack a centre, a structure that contributes to a sense of a single community. but it does have potential, and it does feel deep down like home.
anyways, i know i'll be fine whatever decision i make. i went through all this just a year ago, and ultimately it is impossible to say whether a decision is right or wrong. it is just life, and it will be life whether i'm in montreal or vancouver. but really, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????!!!!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
oh the torture
summertime in montreal has turned out to be exactly as described: humid, non-stop festivals, non-stop drinking, and totally and utterly exhaustingly fun. i don't think i have gone out this much since perhaps first year university. actually, i doubt i ever went out this much in victoria - i'm not sure you could if you wanted to, unless you enjoy dancing on an empty dance floor to top-20 hits at places like the red jacket or legends. shudder. there is always always always something to do, and 9 times out of 10 it's crowded and wild.
last weekend mum and dad came to visit, and kept repeating that "montreal is just so...civilsed". i think they were mainly referring to the affordability and accessiblity of liquor, and the lax laws that accompany it (drinking in parks is legal if accompanied by a 'picnic'! i have been taking full advantage of this). good ol' grays. it was a nice visit, and i saw the city through new eyes. i have been sometimes forgetting how great it is to be able to live here for a while.
anyways. montreal. every sweltering day i spend here makes it harder and harder to think of leaving. though my liver will thank me if/when i do. people are crazy here. they do nothing but drink, smoke, and eat late night poutine and bagels. stomachs of iron! it's fabulous, but i don't think i can handle this lifestyle for too much longer. you know me - i'm a hermit, a recluse, i prefer a good book and a cup of tea to a night of debauchery. and yet here i am, tired and recovering from a night of tequila shots. tequila shots! what kind of madness has come over me?
but really, there's more to this city than tequila shots. as a perk of my nannying job i ended up with a super-pass for the fringe, which was actually quite lovely. i am embarassed to admit that i had never (!) been to a single fringe show before, and i ended up taking in seven in three days last weekend. some foul-mouthed potty humor, some inspiring musings on george carlin and charles bukowski, some wild break dancing, a one-man play, and a hilarious acrobatic comedic duo that defies description. it was nice. and now jazz fest has begun - i checked out the tribute to leonard cohen on thursday and it was just lovely - though i missed buffy saint marie. and totally free. reading the music, arts, and theatre listings is overwhelming and stressful - THERE AREN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY FOR ALL THIS!!! HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT???!!!
ah well. i'm enjoying it while it lasts. it is quite likely that in two months i will be back in vancouver living a totally different lifestyle. slow walks on the beach, long conversations over coffee, yoga in the morning, maybe take in a movie or dinner with friends if i'm feeling wild. it will probably do me good. but crise de batard de tabernac, i'm going to miss this city.
last weekend mum and dad came to visit, and kept repeating that "montreal is just so...civilsed". i think they were mainly referring to the affordability and accessiblity of liquor, and the lax laws that accompany it (drinking in parks is legal if accompanied by a 'picnic'! i have been taking full advantage of this). good ol' grays. it was a nice visit, and i saw the city through new eyes. i have been sometimes forgetting how great it is to be able to live here for a while.
anyways. montreal. every sweltering day i spend here makes it harder and harder to think of leaving. though my liver will thank me if/when i do. people are crazy here. they do nothing but drink, smoke, and eat late night poutine and bagels. stomachs of iron! it's fabulous, but i don't think i can handle this lifestyle for too much longer. you know me - i'm a hermit, a recluse, i prefer a good book and a cup of tea to a night of debauchery. and yet here i am, tired and recovering from a night of tequila shots. tequila shots! what kind of madness has come over me?
but really, there's more to this city than tequila shots. as a perk of my nannying job i ended up with a super-pass for the fringe, which was actually quite lovely. i am embarassed to admit that i had never (!) been to a single fringe show before, and i ended up taking in seven in three days last weekend. some foul-mouthed potty humor, some inspiring musings on george carlin and charles bukowski, some wild break dancing, a one-man play, and a hilarious acrobatic comedic duo that defies description. it was nice. and now jazz fest has begun - i checked out the tribute to leonard cohen on thursday and it was just lovely - though i missed buffy saint marie. and totally free. reading the music, arts, and theatre listings is overwhelming and stressful - THERE AREN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY FOR ALL THIS!!! HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT???!!!
ah well. i'm enjoying it while it lasts. it is quite likely that in two months i will be back in vancouver living a totally different lifestyle. slow walks on the beach, long conversations over coffee, yoga in the morning, maybe take in a movie or dinner with friends if i'm feeling wild. it will probably do me good. but crise de batard de tabernac, i'm going to miss this city.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
turkey sex and abbatoirs of human depravity...
i went to see barbara kingsolver talk on monday night about her book 'animal, vegetable, miracle' which, despite its super-cheesy title is actually one of the best books i have read in years - it is a combination of some of the things i love the most: great storytelling, food politics, food culture, family, friendship, and asparagus! also, there is a great chapter all about turkey sex - a highlight, i assure you.
this was the third talk i've seen this year (i think?) - the other two were Holly Dressel, who is an activist, a writer and an organic farmer who talked about GMO's and Monsanto (she was wonderfully no-nonsense and well-spoken), and the other was Stephen Lewis who talked about AIDS in africa in a rather extravagent manner (he described the situation in one country as an 'abbatoir of human depravity' - i'm not quite sure this makes sense but it sure sounds dramatic).
one thing that all three talks had in common was how horrifically embarrassing the question and answer periods were. i'm sure anyone who's ever experienced one of these knows what i'm talking about. yech. the stephen lewis talk was exceptionally bad, with every single person coming up to the microphone to blab on and on for ten minutes about themselves, LIKE WE CARE! get to the point, dude. except usually there isn't one. one girl went up to the microphone and said something along the lines of: "stephen lewis, i want to be a doctor. i applied to oxford, yale and harvard, and not ONE of them let me in. ummm, can you tell me why?" stephen lewis looked rather ill by the end of all this, and ready to run off stage screaming. holly dressel was a bit better; she refused to be polite to the audience, and got in a fight with one girl who accused her of being against all modern medicine by being against GMO's. barbara kingsolver merely interupted the crazy man who was telling some long and totally irrelevant story about some homeless dude ("let me just read you a few pages of his manifesto") and said, rather diplomatically: "hmm, let me anticipate your question and answer it, and then we can move on."
oh humans. they're so annoying. i feel sorry for anyone who has to stand up there on the stage and attempt to respond to something that is not really a question at all, but rather an excuse to talk about oneself to a captive audience and a sort-of famous person.
well, anyways, the talks were all quite inspiring, even though i found stephen lewis a bit over the top.
hmm, well, question and answer periods. i guess from now on i'm just gonna get a seat near the exit and be prepared to flee.
now onto me. i'd like to start out by saying that i miss you all very much, and i sometimes daydream about going for walks with you along the seawall, or having coffee with you in a cafe in your neighborhood. catching up over a nice hot cappucino. mmm.
i'd like to follow that up by saying that i have noooo idea when this fantasy will take place. i have zero plans for the fall, or perhaps i have too many plans. i am alternating each day between staying in montreal, moving back to vancouver, moving to toronto, and taking an internship or volunteer position somewhere overseas. i have been offered a sort-of-internship by an NGO in Kartataka, India, called Vanastree. It is an environmental collective whose focus is on promoting food security through seed-saving and organic home gardens, and it is associated with a bunch of other NGO's in South India. (see www.vanastree.org). Anyways, this seems right up my alley, and the woman who runs the organization is also trying to get me to work with another organization for a couple of months doing some GIS and field work, which would be pretty cool. But of course it is totally unpaid, and well, i'm still trying to work off the loans i have accumulated over the last year. and i'd also really like to do a master's before the end of the decade, which will also cost some money. and there is also the issue of being in one place for a while. i have moved from victoria, to asia, to various couches in b.c., to vancouver to montreal, all since 2005. that is a lot of moving, and it sometimes gets a bit lonely. i am not the most outgoing gal around and sometimes i would rather just read a book at home than make the effort to make new friends. i have met some wonderful people here but i still miss vancouver, where more and more people i love seem to be congregating. and the master's program i am most interested in seems to be in...toronto. bleh.
so yeah, i seem to have two competing selves; the one who has an incurable wanderlust, and one who is unabashedly domestic and longs for a sunny and permanent home, a career, a cat to curl up on my lap, and maybe even a little vegetable garden. none of the aforementioned things are easily had when you move cities/countries every year. so yeah, there are exciting things and there are comforting things, and i'm not sure which ones will win out in the end. just know that you are each and every one missed muchly. and to those in b.c.: i will be back sooner or later.
this was the third talk i've seen this year (i think?) - the other two were Holly Dressel, who is an activist, a writer and an organic farmer who talked about GMO's and Monsanto (she was wonderfully no-nonsense and well-spoken), and the other was Stephen Lewis who talked about AIDS in africa in a rather extravagent manner (he described the situation in one country as an 'abbatoir of human depravity' - i'm not quite sure this makes sense but it sure sounds dramatic).
one thing that all three talks had in common was how horrifically embarrassing the question and answer periods were. i'm sure anyone who's ever experienced one of these knows what i'm talking about. yech. the stephen lewis talk was exceptionally bad, with every single person coming up to the microphone to blab on and on for ten minutes about themselves, LIKE WE CARE! get to the point, dude. except usually there isn't one. one girl went up to the microphone and said something along the lines of: "stephen lewis, i want to be a doctor. i applied to oxford, yale and harvard, and not ONE of them let me in. ummm, can you tell me why?" stephen lewis looked rather ill by the end of all this, and ready to run off stage screaming. holly dressel was a bit better; she refused to be polite to the audience, and got in a fight with one girl who accused her of being against all modern medicine by being against GMO's. barbara kingsolver merely interupted the crazy man who was telling some long and totally irrelevant story about some homeless dude ("let me just read you a few pages of his manifesto") and said, rather diplomatically: "hmm, let me anticipate your question and answer it, and then we can move on."
oh humans. they're so annoying. i feel sorry for anyone who has to stand up there on the stage and attempt to respond to something that is not really a question at all, but rather an excuse to talk about oneself to a captive audience and a sort-of famous person.
well, anyways, the talks were all quite inspiring, even though i found stephen lewis a bit over the top.
hmm, well, question and answer periods. i guess from now on i'm just gonna get a seat near the exit and be prepared to flee.
now onto me. i'd like to start out by saying that i miss you all very much, and i sometimes daydream about going for walks with you along the seawall, or having coffee with you in a cafe in your neighborhood. catching up over a nice hot cappucino. mmm.
i'd like to follow that up by saying that i have noooo idea when this fantasy will take place. i have zero plans for the fall, or perhaps i have too many plans. i am alternating each day between staying in montreal, moving back to vancouver, moving to toronto, and taking an internship or volunteer position somewhere overseas. i have been offered a sort-of-internship by an NGO in Kartataka, India, called Vanastree. It is an environmental collective whose focus is on promoting food security through seed-saving and organic home gardens, and it is associated with a bunch of other NGO's in South India. (see www.vanastree.org). Anyways, this seems right up my alley, and the woman who runs the organization is also trying to get me to work with another organization for a couple of months doing some GIS and field work, which would be pretty cool. But of course it is totally unpaid, and well, i'm still trying to work off the loans i have accumulated over the last year. and i'd also really like to do a master's before the end of the decade, which will also cost some money. and there is also the issue of being in one place for a while. i have moved from victoria, to asia, to various couches in b.c., to vancouver to montreal, all since 2005. that is a lot of moving, and it sometimes gets a bit lonely. i am not the most outgoing gal around and sometimes i would rather just read a book at home than make the effort to make new friends. i have met some wonderful people here but i still miss vancouver, where more and more people i love seem to be congregating. and the master's program i am most interested in seems to be in...toronto. bleh.
so yeah, i seem to have two competing selves; the one who has an incurable wanderlust, and one who is unabashedly domestic and longs for a sunny and permanent home, a career, a cat to curl up on my lap, and maybe even a little vegetable garden. none of the aforementioned things are easily had when you move cities/countries every year. so yeah, there are exciting things and there are comforting things, and i'm not sure which ones will win out in the end. just know that you are each and every one missed muchly. and to those in b.c.: i will be back sooner or later.
Monday, May 12, 2008
all i really wanna do...
i am listening to records, sitting by the window, slowly sipping lukewarm coffee from a pretty mug. it is reassuring how much pleasure the scritch-scratch of a record player can bring me, a blue sky, a drawn-out morning.
the sun has been shining here almost non-stop for the last few weeks. it is lovely. we spent much of saturday at the park, sleeping in the sun. it was actually the first time in as long as i can remember that i had two days off in a row completely my own. though that is not completely true, as i am applying for a bunch of internships, all of which entail essays, all of which are different, all of which are due at alternating points between now and july. and i have been working six days a week since mid-april. so a day to lay in the sun, napping, was true joy. yesterday i spent just as i wanted, too; tidying my room, reading the newspaper, going out for coffee twice.
life is very strange these days. there has been a lot of change, so i am feeling a bit out of sorts. and my future is a blank page, a void. i don't think i've ever been so unsure about the future - i have absolutely no idea what september will bring. i would love to get an internship, but the competition is fierce and the funding limited, so i am trying not to set myself up for disappointment. i am saving money, and i keep dreaming of italy, greece, france, brazil, mexico, india... but as much as i would love to wander sunny streets for months on end, i know too that i would come back in exactly the same place i am now. which is a good place, but also a rather muddled and broke one. it is nice, though, this uncertainty, and exciting. anything could happen!
the sun has been shining here almost non-stop for the last few weeks. it is lovely. we spent much of saturday at the park, sleeping in the sun. it was actually the first time in as long as i can remember that i had two days off in a row completely my own. though that is not completely true, as i am applying for a bunch of internships, all of which entail essays, all of which are different, all of which are due at alternating points between now and july. and i have been working six days a week since mid-april. so a day to lay in the sun, napping, was true joy. yesterday i spent just as i wanted, too; tidying my room, reading the newspaper, going out for coffee twice.
life is very strange these days. there has been a lot of change, so i am feeling a bit out of sorts. and my future is a blank page, a void. i don't think i've ever been so unsure about the future - i have absolutely no idea what september will bring. i would love to get an internship, but the competition is fierce and the funding limited, so i am trying not to set myself up for disappointment. i am saving money, and i keep dreaming of italy, greece, france, brazil, mexico, india... but as much as i would love to wander sunny streets for months on end, i know too that i would come back in exactly the same place i am now. which is a good place, but also a rather muddled and broke one. it is nice, though, this uncertainty, and exciting. anything could happen!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
j'adore montreal...
so, matthew and i spent a good portion of last night sitting on the patio at santropol, enjoying the long-awaited arrival of spring, eating giant sandwiches, petting an extraordinarily fluffy and adorable cat (i know, it's a bad combination, but it was a very clean cat!), and discussing the merits of montreal vs. vancouver. i regret to tell you all that montreal won on pretty much all counts.
though it was indeed a cold and drawn-out winter, it was beautiful with the snow, and (within city limits) i went outdoor ice skating, sledding, and even rode a horse-drawn sleigh! (mind you, it only went in circles, and i did it with a sticky and hyper three year old who kept covering my hair and clothes with maple syrup, but still!) and none of these things cost a penny. what does vancouver provide in the winter for free? what does vancouver EVER provide for free? that's what i'd like to know.
i think this is the most important selling point of montreal. it is...affordable. you can get a gorgeous apartment in the most desirable part of town here for less than a shitty one in south van. virtually every apartment has high ceilings and hardwood floors and 'terraces'. this means you can actually use your money to live, rather than merely handing over your paycheque to your landlord each week, and it means you don't have to live in squalor, relegated to the outer limits of the city. you can live like a king on the salary of a servant! or even the salary of a student!
and well, now that the sun is shining it's just so lovely. the city seems to have been built for people to live well, with a garden space out front of each row house, and a city made for bicycles and pedestrians, with so much gorgeous architecture to look at. i have a feeling that the summer is going to kick vancouver summer's ass too. free concerts, streets closed off to traffic for weeks or even months, hundreds of gorgeous patios, and barbeques on the terrace (that's right, we have terraces rather than decks, and they're pronounced with an oh-so-chique quebecois accent), and lots and lots of beautiful people. sure, vancouver has most of these things too, but i'll bet they cost twice as much, require a bus to get to, and most of them will likely be rained out. yes, even the beautiful people.
ok ok, vancouver has its charms. number one being my friends and family that simply cannot be replaced. and there is the ocean, and the beautiful mountains always in the background. and sure, the rain brings good things, like flowers and delicious vegetables, and...and...ummm...
yah, so i guess what this all means is that i am getting incredibly attached to a city that i probably will have to leave sooner than later. right now autumn is a total blank in my mind, an unknown, but chances are that neither further schooling nor amazing jobs will be occurring in this city. alas. so i guess i'll make the most of my summer; savour every locally brewed beer on every warm inviting patio, and save it all up for the inevitable rainy day back home.
though it was indeed a cold and drawn-out winter, it was beautiful with the snow, and (within city limits) i went outdoor ice skating, sledding, and even rode a horse-drawn sleigh! (mind you, it only went in circles, and i did it with a sticky and hyper three year old who kept covering my hair and clothes with maple syrup, but still!) and none of these things cost a penny. what does vancouver provide in the winter for free? what does vancouver EVER provide for free? that's what i'd like to know.
i think this is the most important selling point of montreal. it is...affordable. you can get a gorgeous apartment in the most desirable part of town here for less than a shitty one in south van. virtually every apartment has high ceilings and hardwood floors and 'terraces'. this means you can actually use your money to live, rather than merely handing over your paycheque to your landlord each week, and it means you don't have to live in squalor, relegated to the outer limits of the city. you can live like a king on the salary of a servant! or even the salary of a student!
and well, now that the sun is shining it's just so lovely. the city seems to have been built for people to live well, with a garden space out front of each row house, and a city made for bicycles and pedestrians, with so much gorgeous architecture to look at. i have a feeling that the summer is going to kick vancouver summer's ass too. free concerts, streets closed off to traffic for weeks or even months, hundreds of gorgeous patios, and barbeques on the terrace (that's right, we have terraces rather than decks, and they're pronounced with an oh-so-chique quebecois accent), and lots and lots of beautiful people. sure, vancouver has most of these things too, but i'll bet they cost twice as much, require a bus to get to, and most of them will likely be rained out. yes, even the beautiful people.
ok ok, vancouver has its charms. number one being my friends and family that simply cannot be replaced. and there is the ocean, and the beautiful mountains always in the background. and sure, the rain brings good things, like flowers and delicious vegetables, and...and...ummm...
yah, so i guess what this all means is that i am getting incredibly attached to a city that i probably will have to leave sooner than later. right now autumn is a total blank in my mind, an unknown, but chances are that neither further schooling nor amazing jobs will be occurring in this city. alas. so i guess i'll make the most of my summer; savour every locally brewed beer on every warm inviting patio, and save it all up for the inevitable rainy day back home.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
cannibalism and other worries...
so, it's my last day of school today, and i'm getting all emotional. here i come big world, again... it's funny, because this has been such a different experience than my bachelor's degree. that was so much longer, and so much more life-changing, and so much more filled with close friends. and yet, despite always being the oldest one in the class, despite annoying group projects and many sleepless stressed-out nights, i'm glad i did this, and i feel sad to leave.
one of my classes just finished up with all the profs putting what we had learned into a framework of real life, and it was in a way helpful to know that i am not the only one who is terribly cynical, but also full of hope for the future. also, apparently i'm not the only one who fears being eaten in the apocalypse (though i bet my profs didn't have to make their significant others promise not to eat them).
anyways, though the people in my class are mainly quite young, and some of them have ideas about the world that are a bit idealistic, a bit simplistic, they also have ideas about the world that give me hope. though there are certainly issues with this program at mcgill (ie: a total lack of female teachers and female perspectives, among other things), there is also a really great mix of disciplines that i think produces more well-rounded people. little renaissance-women and men. well, kinda.
anyways, i'm probably just emotional because i had my third sleepless night in a week last night. but also because i feel such bitter cynicism and also such hopeful hope for the world. how are we going to fix all the things that have gone wrong? i have very little faith that we can, but i also feel that throwing up my hands and giving up would be a disservice to myself and to the world. i guess the question i keep asking myself, now that i'm out of school again, is what is the best way to 'help'? I want to make things better, i want to make the world a kinder place, and i want to avoid being eaten by bloodthirsty corporate lawyers and politicians. but i don't know how.
one of my classes just finished up with all the profs putting what we had learned into a framework of real life, and it was in a way helpful to know that i am not the only one who is terribly cynical, but also full of hope for the future. also, apparently i'm not the only one who fears being eaten in the apocalypse (though i bet my profs didn't have to make their significant others promise not to eat them).
anyways, though the people in my class are mainly quite young, and some of them have ideas about the world that are a bit idealistic, a bit simplistic, they also have ideas about the world that give me hope. though there are certainly issues with this program at mcgill (ie: a total lack of female teachers and female perspectives, among other things), there is also a really great mix of disciplines that i think produces more well-rounded people. little renaissance-women and men. well, kinda.
anyways, i'm probably just emotional because i had my third sleepless night in a week last night. but also because i feel such bitter cynicism and also such hopeful hope for the world. how are we going to fix all the things that have gone wrong? i have very little faith that we can, but i also feel that throwing up my hands and giving up would be a disservice to myself and to the world. i guess the question i keep asking myself, now that i'm out of school again, is what is the best way to 'help'? I want to make things better, i want to make the world a kinder place, and i want to avoid being eaten by bloodthirsty corporate lawyers and politicians. but i don't know how.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
and more thoughts...
Food has been on my mind a lot lately. I've realized that most of the things I have taken an interest in lately have been related in some way or another to food. Perhaps this is inevitable - it is really what most of our lives revolve around whether we want it to or not - whether it be the avoidance of food, the obsession with food, working for food, planning food, eating food, growing food, cooking food for ourselves, cooking food for a living, cooking food for pleasure...
I realize that when i think about people i know i can see something of their true selves in their relationship to food: Meg and her amazing cooking skills, her dreams of opening a restaurant named after her mama, her generousness; my dad i think of always in the kitchen, cooking something delicious at the end of the day, his love for my family coming out in this way, and my mom making the same muffins every year for our family christmas brunch. I think of Eben and his seven-hour cooking marathons, looking stressed and rather absurd as he runs in circles trying to figure out what he's doing; I think of Harmony and her meticulous and stubborn methods, her "don't-touch-that-before-dinner-hey-stop-noooooo!", and i think of potlucks with friends, with wine and good food, or at least strange food; i think of abra and her ramen and egg soup for every meal, with half-packages of mr.noodles scattered all over her cupboard; i think of noah and i making up a batch of fresh-picked blackberry jam (and his insistence on pouring in an entire package of cinnamon when my back was turned); i think of emanuel's yummy buttery pie and salty tomato sauce, and his mom's peach jam that i would always steal spoonfuls of when he wasn't home...(see? i even feel like i know his mom a bit, from her delicious jam!) I think of little jacob and i making cookies together, and his hilarious wide-eyed excitement when they come out of the oven... anyways, i could go on and on, but all i'm trying to say is that our lives are tied up in food in ways that go beyond staying alive. i love food culture, and i love the way food creates meaning and love in our lives, and i don't care if that eventually makes me a rolly-polly sentimental person...
and a favorite poem:
A Breakfast for Barbarians
Gwendolyn MacEwan
my friends, my sweet barbarians,
there is that hunger which is not for food—
but an eye at the navel turns the appetite
round
with visions of some fabulous sandwich,
the brain’s golden breakfast
eaten with beasts
with books on plates
let us make an anthology of recipes,
let us edit for breakfast
our most unspeakable appetites—
let us pool spoons, knives
and all cutlery in a cosmic cuisine,
let us answer hunger
with boiled chimera
and apocalyptic tea,
an arcane salad of spiced bibles,
tossed dictionaries—
(O my barbarians
we will consume our mysteries)
and can we, can we slake the gaping eye of our desires?
we will sit around our hewn wood table
until our hair is long and our eyes are feeble,
eating, my people, O my insatiates,
eating until we are no more able
to jack up the jaws any longer—
to no more complain of the soul’s vulgar cavities,
to gaze at each other over the rust-heap of cutlery,
drinking a coffee that takes an eternity—
till, bursting, bleary,
we laugh, barbarians, and rock the universe—
and exclaim to each other over the table
over the table of bones and scrap metal
over the gigantic junk-heaped table:
by God that was a meal
I realize that when i think about people i know i can see something of their true selves in their relationship to food: Meg and her amazing cooking skills, her dreams of opening a restaurant named after her mama, her generousness; my dad i think of always in the kitchen, cooking something delicious at the end of the day, his love for my family coming out in this way, and my mom making the same muffins every year for our family christmas brunch. I think of Eben and his seven-hour cooking marathons, looking stressed and rather absurd as he runs in circles trying to figure out what he's doing; I think of Harmony and her meticulous and stubborn methods, her "don't-touch-that-before-dinner-hey-stop-noooooo!", and i think of potlucks with friends, with wine and good food, or at least strange food; i think of abra and her ramen and egg soup for every meal, with half-packages of mr.noodles scattered all over her cupboard; i think of noah and i making up a batch of fresh-picked blackberry jam (and his insistence on pouring in an entire package of cinnamon when my back was turned); i think of emanuel's yummy buttery pie and salty tomato sauce, and his mom's peach jam that i would always steal spoonfuls of when he wasn't home...(see? i even feel like i know his mom a bit, from her delicious jam!) I think of little jacob and i making cookies together, and his hilarious wide-eyed excitement when they come out of the oven... anyways, i could go on and on, but all i'm trying to say is that our lives are tied up in food in ways that go beyond staying alive. i love food culture, and i love the way food creates meaning and love in our lives, and i don't care if that eventually makes me a rolly-polly sentimental person...
and a favorite poem:
A Breakfast for Barbarians
Gwendolyn MacEwan
my friends, my sweet barbarians,
there is that hunger which is not for food—
but an eye at the navel turns the appetite
round
with visions of some fabulous sandwich,
the brain’s golden breakfast
eaten with beasts
with books on plates
let us make an anthology of recipes,
let us edit for breakfast
our most unspeakable appetites—
let us pool spoons, knives
and all cutlery in a cosmic cuisine,
let us answer hunger
with boiled chimera
and apocalyptic tea,
an arcane salad of spiced bibles,
tossed dictionaries—
(O my barbarians
we will consume our mysteries)
and can we, can we slake the gaping eye of our desires?
we will sit around our hewn wood table
until our hair is long and our eyes are feeble,
eating, my people, O my insatiates,
eating until we are no more able
to jack up the jaws any longer—
to no more complain of the soul’s vulgar cavities,
to gaze at each other over the rust-heap of cutlery,
drinking a coffee that takes an eternity—
till, bursting, bleary,
we laugh, barbarians, and rock the universe—
and exclaim to each other over the table
over the table of bones and scrap metal
over the gigantic junk-heaped table:
by God that was a meal
Friday, April 04, 2008
well, it's snowing again. not much to say about that.
i'm thinking about a lot of things lately. i'm thinking about the ever-immanent future, about where i want to be and where i want to go...i'm thinking about the summer as i watch the snow falling outside my window, i'm thinking about where i've been lately. i'm thinking about the macros and micros of life - the things that happen to us as individuals that can change us and shape us, and also the things that can happen to us on a bigger scale. the latter are the things that we discuss constantly in my program - the huge disasters we are facing on all fronts as a world: water shortages, desertification, climate change, an astounding loss of biodiversity... and also all the social crises these will bring (or that are already occurring); water shortages, famines, huge and growing inequalities, and world wars.
my prof brought in a report from the UN which proposed as a possible solution to water shortages... the cutting down of trees. if this isn't indicative of the totally counter-intuitive, anthropocentric, and short-sighted madness of today's way of thinking then i don't know what is. it's sad because these are the kinds of ideas being implemented as we speak. this is the kind of attitude that rules the planet: don't think about changing our lifestyles, don't think about changing our attitudes, don't think about poor people or redistribution - just focus on easy technological band-aid solutions. as if all these things happening in the world aren't a part of our own lives! as if they won't come around and affect us evenutally! but probably it won't affect all the rich leaders of the world who refuse to compromise; whatever changes happen are sure to affect the poor, and then the younger generations. it makes me furious, sometimes, the lack of power we have, and the selfishness of people who are fucking it all up for the rest of us. it makes me sad, and it makes me scared for the future. though i try not to think about it too much, i sometimes have a hard time believing that the world is not going to hell in a handbasket.
but then there's all this crazy wonderful stuff too, that gives me a little hope. there are so many people who are active in the community here. i heard somewhere that this is because of the specific history here; people have more of a sense of involvement and community because of the issues that have faced and continue to face the province. it's interesting to live in quebec, where there is this distinctive identity that people are proud of, and this sense of solidarity. but yeah, they have some great organizations here. equiterre; santropol roulant; eco-quartiers in each neighborhood where you can bring your compost, learn to fix your bike or buy your green bin; the rooftop gardens; the awesome history of community gardens that are protected by the municipality; alternatives; cooperative la maison vert... montreal is great.
anyways, there's that. and then there's my own little life. there's my desires and then there's my conscience. there's my desires and then there's my common sense. what to do when i leave montreal? do i stay in canada and make some meaningful roots somewhere, or do i follow my whim and go off to another country to try to learn something new? do i go back to school next year, and if so where do i focus my energies? oh dear.
i'm thinking about a lot of things lately. i'm thinking about the ever-immanent future, about where i want to be and where i want to go...i'm thinking about the summer as i watch the snow falling outside my window, i'm thinking about where i've been lately. i'm thinking about the macros and micros of life - the things that happen to us as individuals that can change us and shape us, and also the things that can happen to us on a bigger scale. the latter are the things that we discuss constantly in my program - the huge disasters we are facing on all fronts as a world: water shortages, desertification, climate change, an astounding loss of biodiversity... and also all the social crises these will bring (or that are already occurring); water shortages, famines, huge and growing inequalities, and world wars.
my prof brought in a report from the UN which proposed as a possible solution to water shortages... the cutting down of trees. if this isn't indicative of the totally counter-intuitive, anthropocentric, and short-sighted madness of today's way of thinking then i don't know what is. it's sad because these are the kinds of ideas being implemented as we speak. this is the kind of attitude that rules the planet: don't think about changing our lifestyles, don't think about changing our attitudes, don't think about poor people or redistribution - just focus on easy technological band-aid solutions. as if all these things happening in the world aren't a part of our own lives! as if they won't come around and affect us evenutally! but probably it won't affect all the rich leaders of the world who refuse to compromise; whatever changes happen are sure to affect the poor, and then the younger generations. it makes me furious, sometimes, the lack of power we have, and the selfishness of people who are fucking it all up for the rest of us. it makes me sad, and it makes me scared for the future. though i try not to think about it too much, i sometimes have a hard time believing that the world is not going to hell in a handbasket.
but then there's all this crazy wonderful stuff too, that gives me a little hope. there are so many people who are active in the community here. i heard somewhere that this is because of the specific history here; people have more of a sense of involvement and community because of the issues that have faced and continue to face the province. it's interesting to live in quebec, where there is this distinctive identity that people are proud of, and this sense of solidarity. but yeah, they have some great organizations here. equiterre; santropol roulant; eco-quartiers in each neighborhood where you can bring your compost, learn to fix your bike or buy your green bin; the rooftop gardens; the awesome history of community gardens that are protected by the municipality; alternatives; cooperative la maison vert... montreal is great.
anyways, there's that. and then there's my own little life. there's my desires and then there's my conscience. there's my desires and then there's my common sense. what to do when i leave montreal? do i stay in canada and make some meaningful roots somewhere, or do i follow my whim and go off to another country to try to learn something new? do i go back to school next year, and if so where do i focus my energies? oh dear.
Friday, March 28, 2008
summer rules, microsporidia drool
it is 11:07 pm on a friday night, and i have been staring at a paper outline about parasitic evolution and honey bees for the past three hours or so. or make that the past three weeks. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE! why are they making me do this?
anyways, the point is, i am starting to remember what a procrastinator i am. i have incredible amounts of homework to do, and yet i can never quite find time to do any of it, what with all my dilly-dallying about on the internet, looking a strange facts and pretty pictures. i've spent a lot of time today reading about montreal...its history, its great summer events, its historic architecture and extreme hipness.
i may actually be developing a full-fledged blushing crush on montreal, though of course i realize she's a two-faced fair-weather kind of mate.
two degrees celcius seems to have warmed everyone's blood; everyone looks so happy all of a sudden, and so hopeful. it's strange how exciting it was the other day to feel sun on my face and then suddenly realize that it felt...warm! not very warm, but there was an unmistakable hint of something not cold. summer is coming! now we just have to wait for those 6 feet of snow to melt, and we're golden.
but yeah, i'm excited! montreal is slowly defrosting and it is crazy how palpable the anticipation is. it's really hard to concentrate on Apis mellifera and the various microsporidia that plague their bellies.
anyways, the point is, i am starting to remember what a procrastinator i am. i have incredible amounts of homework to do, and yet i can never quite find time to do any of it, what with all my dilly-dallying about on the internet, looking a strange facts and pretty pictures. i've spent a lot of time today reading about montreal...its history, its great summer events, its historic architecture and extreme hipness.
i may actually be developing a full-fledged blushing crush on montreal, though of course i realize she's a two-faced fair-weather kind of mate.
two degrees celcius seems to have warmed everyone's blood; everyone looks so happy all of a sudden, and so hopeful. it's strange how exciting it was the other day to feel sun on my face and then suddenly realize that it felt...warm! not very warm, but there was an unmistakable hint of something not cold. summer is coming! now we just have to wait for those 6 feet of snow to melt, and we're golden.
but yeah, i'm excited! montreal is slowly defrosting and it is crazy how palpable the anticipation is. it's really hard to concentrate on Apis mellifera and the various microsporidia that plague their bellies.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
choices choices
So. I am at a point where, despite being bogged down by school, i am also realizing that the end is nigh. Once again i am being ejected from the cozy womb of student life into the harsh and fluorescent-lighted world. Somehow i doubt there will be a doctor there to cut the umbilical cord in one easy stroke, nor loving parents ready to put up with my crying and whining and cater to my every whim. sigh.
anyways, what i'm trying to say with this lame analogy is I WANT MY MOM! but she's kinda far away and has her own things to worry about.
So i want to figure out my own life. 25 has in many ways felt ages older than 24. Suddenly i don't feel like it's ok to keep bumming around, meandering from idea to idea without following through on any of them. It feels too old to have big debts and little prospects. So i'm spending all my spare time looking for jobs, internships, apprenticeships, and sugar daddies. Unfortunately Matt doesn't seem into the whole paying-for-my-love thing, and since i'm kinda into monogamy looks like i may have to settle for the former three. double sigh.
But yeah, looking for jobs etc. means making decisions. And anyone who knows me - or has at least spent time in a restaurant/cafe/american apparel with me - knows that making decisions is not my forte. I HATE OPTIONS! (But of course i also deeply appreciate all the options i have in my life, and feel very grateful to be in the position i am in) But i still hate options.
So yes. yes yes yes. Time to get on with decisions. I am having an interview this week for a volunteer job that would take me kinda far away for a while, but could be very fulfilling. I am applying for all sorts of internships that range from leading environmental summer camps to farming to working for all sorts of NGO's to ... well, i don't know, some of them are harder to describe than others. I'm also hoping to apply for a bunch of CIDA internships whenever they post them.
Unfortunately all of these jobs seem to overlap, and none of them seem to allow me to stay in Montreal for the summer, which i would dearly like to do. A lot of them also seem to pay very little, if anything at all. I have started a new volunteer job that i enjoy and there are lots of things i want to get involved in here when the weather gets warm. I am looking forward to bringing my yellow bicycle out of retirement, too, and biking around the city with no coat, revelling in the well-earned warm breeze. Perhaps i'm just dreaming. Perhaps a summer here would be nothing but hard labor and no money or time to enjoy the city. But i kind of doubt summer in Montreal could be less than fabulous, really.
So what to do? Is it bad to pass up interesting jobs to enjoy a city while i can? Is it bad to take unpaid positions when i have a student loan hanging over my head? Is it wrong to fantasize about a summer of minimum wage when i should probably be moving on with my life? Am i getting too old to flit around like this? Is my acute sense of the briefness of life getting in the way of my enjoyment of the moment? When am i going to figure out what i want to "do" with my life? Why do i want to do so many things all at once, and which one is the best for me?
Truly, in the last month or so i have considered a career as a pastry chef, an organic farmer, an educator, a researcher, an activist, a housepainter, a waitress, a world leader, a biologist, a graphic novelist, a regular novelist, vandana shiva's personal assistant, a carpenter, a yoga instructor (ha! not in the shape i'm in!), an epidemiologist, a horticulturalist, a housewife, a lawyer, and a drug dealer.
Do you think these could all be combined into one super-career?
yarg.
anyways, what i'm trying to say with this lame analogy is I WANT MY MOM! but she's kinda far away and has her own things to worry about.
So i want to figure out my own life. 25 has in many ways felt ages older than 24. Suddenly i don't feel like it's ok to keep bumming around, meandering from idea to idea without following through on any of them. It feels too old to have big debts and little prospects. So i'm spending all my spare time looking for jobs, internships, apprenticeships, and sugar daddies. Unfortunately Matt doesn't seem into the whole paying-for-my-love thing, and since i'm kinda into monogamy looks like i may have to settle for the former three. double sigh.
But yeah, looking for jobs etc. means making decisions. And anyone who knows me - or has at least spent time in a restaurant/cafe/american apparel with me - knows that making decisions is not my forte. I HATE OPTIONS! (But of course i also deeply appreciate all the options i have in my life, and feel very grateful to be in the position i am in) But i still hate options.
So yes. yes yes yes. Time to get on with decisions. I am having an interview this week for a volunteer job that would take me kinda far away for a while, but could be very fulfilling. I am applying for all sorts of internships that range from leading environmental summer camps to farming to working for all sorts of NGO's to ... well, i don't know, some of them are harder to describe than others. I'm also hoping to apply for a bunch of CIDA internships whenever they post them.
Unfortunately all of these jobs seem to overlap, and none of them seem to allow me to stay in Montreal for the summer, which i would dearly like to do. A lot of them also seem to pay very little, if anything at all. I have started a new volunteer job that i enjoy and there are lots of things i want to get involved in here when the weather gets warm. I am looking forward to bringing my yellow bicycle out of retirement, too, and biking around the city with no coat, revelling in the well-earned warm breeze. Perhaps i'm just dreaming. Perhaps a summer here would be nothing but hard labor and no money or time to enjoy the city. But i kind of doubt summer in Montreal could be less than fabulous, really.
So what to do? Is it bad to pass up interesting jobs to enjoy a city while i can? Is it bad to take unpaid positions when i have a student loan hanging over my head? Is it wrong to fantasize about a summer of minimum wage when i should probably be moving on with my life? Am i getting too old to flit around like this? Is my acute sense of the briefness of life getting in the way of my enjoyment of the moment? When am i going to figure out what i want to "do" with my life? Why do i want to do so many things all at once, and which one is the best for me?
Truly, in the last month or so i have considered a career as a pastry chef, an organic farmer, an educator, a researcher, an activist, a housepainter, a waitress, a world leader, a biologist, a graphic novelist, a regular novelist, vandana shiva's personal assistant, a carpenter, a yoga instructor (ha! not in the shape i'm in!), an epidemiologist, a horticulturalist, a housewife, a lawyer, and a drug dealer.
Do you think these could all be combined into one super-career?
yarg.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
little town full of little people...
i stole this off my cousin's facebook - it's too good to keep to myself:
http://little-people.blogspot.com/
oh yeah, and check this new song. gosh i adore that little pixie.
http://little-people.blogspot.com/
oh yeah, and check this new song. gosh i adore that little pixie.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
apparently i have asian roots...
so, i was reading eben's blog about the root of harmony's name and decided to look up my own name. i was surprised to find that kerria is not only a flowering japanese bush (kerria japonica) but also a resin-secreting insect (kerria lacca, also known as kerria lacca lacca, or lakshadia indica). its secretion, 'lac', is used to create a scarlet (like my hair!) pigment and the end product of shellac for varnish. it is also used as an anti-obesity drug. this insect is native to India, China and South East Asia.
According to the ever-reliable wikipedia, "[lac] has a mention in the ancient Vedic book called the Manusmrti, or the 'Laws of Manu'. This book is the source of all the laws regarding caste in India. It lays down who can eat with whom, who can marry whom, who can touch whom; and it also lays down how those who infringe those laws should be punished. Thus, for example, it is decreed: "XII. 4. If the shudra [a member of the labouring caste, or an Untouchable] intentionally listens for committing to memory the Veda, then his ears should be filled with molten lead and lac; if he utters the Veda, then his tongue should be cut off; if he has mastered the Veda his body should be cut to pieces."
hmmmm...
i also spent some time a couple of months ago searching for other kerrias on facebook, and found that it seems to be popular in the states as a middle name or in an altered state: sha'kerria, for example.
maybe i should change my name to sha'kerria.
According to the ever-reliable wikipedia, "[lac] has a mention in the ancient Vedic book called the Manusmrti, or the 'Laws of Manu'. This book is the source of all the laws regarding caste in India. It lays down who can eat with whom, who can marry whom, who can touch whom; and it also lays down how those who infringe those laws should be punished. Thus, for example, it is decreed: "XII. 4. If the shudra [a member of the labouring caste, or an Untouchable] intentionally listens for committing to memory the Veda, then his ears should be filled with molten lead and lac; if he utters the Veda, then his tongue should be cut off; if he has mastered the Veda his body should be cut to pieces."
hmmmm...
i also spent some time a couple of months ago searching for other kerrias on facebook, and found that it seems to be popular in the states as a middle name or in an altered state: sha'kerria, for example.
maybe i should change my name to sha'kerria.
Friday, February 08, 2008
sow your seeds, little ones...
school at once inspires and repulses me. i love some things, i hate others. i hate the meaningless discussions of structure and theory, when it doesn't come hand in hand with some sort of reality to ground it in. what is the use of discussing a theory without asking how it fits into the world?
maybe this is why i love my environment classes. some of it is observational - earth crusts and wave motion and the movement of sediment from one side of a continent to the other and how the ocean revolves around us and gives us life(amazing!). some of it is how to take the theories and thoughts and ideas of hundreds of years and use it for something positive. funny how unique this seems in university. i don't seem to recall any other realm that ever said "ok, let's discuss compassion and how to make this world more compassionate and gentle", rather than merely "let's discuss theories of ethics, development, poverty, health...". perhaps it is a given that you will use this knowledge to change the world around you. but should this be a given? should we be able to gnaw our ways through four years of university classes without once being told - "this is not for naught! take this and sow it, use it to make the world a more beautiful place!"
perhaps that would not be a good thing either. in fact it sounds downright evangelical. and of course i realize that 'good' is subjective and has been twisted for nefarious purposes. but perhaps compassion and generosity are better words. perhaps this is what is lacking: i rarely heard anyone discuss those words in university, nor their importance - not in a classroom setting, anyway. i just remember a book my mom and dad used to read me called 'the lupine lady', in which the main character is taught as a little girl by her grandfather that in order to live a full life she must leave the world a more beautiful place than before. and she spends many years doing exciting things and traveling the world and living a happy life, but never feels that she has left a more beautiful earth behind her. so finally she decides to plant lupines everywhere and leave the hillsides blue-purple-pink.
i guess what i mean by all this is that university seems to teach us, for the most part, how to make our own lives better. it gives us 'tools' (as they say) for the 'real world' (as they say). it gives us a zingy resume, the ability to think quickly and sharply and sometimes critically so that we are wonderfully 'hireable'. it gives us the ability to regurgitate a million times over the thoughts of others, but for the most part our own thoughts and creativity are not seen to be part of the process. and simplicity is never rewarded. nobody ever says that it is admirable to be without ambition, that planting flowers and trees and food is a noble pursuit, or that gentleness and kindness and a compassionate ethic is more important than personal success.
and i guess that a book i read when i was five left me a more generous person than unviersity ever did, and this seems sad. something so simple can make the world more lovely for others, but i feel like all we ever think about (myself included) is how to make the world better for ourselves. so yeah, i'm stoked that i'm taking classes that discuss how to bring compassion and empathy back into a world where the dominant and applauded ideology is individual gain. and the people in my class are all so excited, so involved, so young and wide-eyed and kind. we are being asked in a 200 level class to examine our desires and needs, to examine how we treat the world around us and finally to use this knowledge to build a noble life. i feel inspired by this.
i can't wait to be a farmer.
maybe this is why i love my environment classes. some of it is observational - earth crusts and wave motion and the movement of sediment from one side of a continent to the other and how the ocean revolves around us and gives us life(amazing!). some of it is how to take the theories and thoughts and ideas of hundreds of years and use it for something positive. funny how unique this seems in university. i don't seem to recall any other realm that ever said "ok, let's discuss compassion and how to make this world more compassionate and gentle", rather than merely "let's discuss theories of ethics, development, poverty, health...". perhaps it is a given that you will use this knowledge to change the world around you. but should this be a given? should we be able to gnaw our ways through four years of university classes without once being told - "this is not for naught! take this and sow it, use it to make the world a more beautiful place!"
perhaps that would not be a good thing either. in fact it sounds downright evangelical. and of course i realize that 'good' is subjective and has been twisted for nefarious purposes. but perhaps compassion and generosity are better words. perhaps this is what is lacking: i rarely heard anyone discuss those words in university, nor their importance - not in a classroom setting, anyway. i just remember a book my mom and dad used to read me called 'the lupine lady', in which the main character is taught as a little girl by her grandfather that in order to live a full life she must leave the world a more beautiful place than before. and she spends many years doing exciting things and traveling the world and living a happy life, but never feels that she has left a more beautiful earth behind her. so finally she decides to plant lupines everywhere and leave the hillsides blue-purple-pink.
i guess what i mean by all this is that university seems to teach us, for the most part, how to make our own lives better. it gives us 'tools' (as they say) for the 'real world' (as they say). it gives us a zingy resume, the ability to think quickly and sharply and sometimes critically so that we are wonderfully 'hireable'. it gives us the ability to regurgitate a million times over the thoughts of others, but for the most part our own thoughts and creativity are not seen to be part of the process. and simplicity is never rewarded. nobody ever says that it is admirable to be without ambition, that planting flowers and trees and food is a noble pursuit, or that gentleness and kindness and a compassionate ethic is more important than personal success.
and i guess that a book i read when i was five left me a more generous person than unviersity ever did, and this seems sad. something so simple can make the world more lovely for others, but i feel like all we ever think about (myself included) is how to make the world better for ourselves. so yeah, i'm stoked that i'm taking classes that discuss how to bring compassion and empathy back into a world where the dominant and applauded ideology is individual gain. and the people in my class are all so excited, so involved, so young and wide-eyed and kind. we are being asked in a 200 level class to examine our desires and needs, to examine how we treat the world around us and finally to use this knowledge to build a noble life. i feel inspired by this.
i can't wait to be a farmer.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
birthdays are for suckers
t'is the new year, and a new school year, and a new age that sounds much too old. twenty five. yuck. apparently this is the year my metabolism will shut down and i will acquire a booty and some hips. crossing my fingers.
anyways, had a nice birthday. the weather was veritably balmy here; we walked all the way downtown and i even felt a bit overheated. weird. but anyways, matt and i wandered around and decided to stop at the National Film Board 'Cineroboteque', where you watch movies on a robot! well, sort of. but they have all the NFB films you could ever desire to see and you just scroll through and watch whatever yer heart desires. and it was free! (we watched a really good animated short - 'the danish poet', as well as a rather odd and creepy one called 'madame tutli-putli'). when we finally emerged from the belly of the robot we were itching for some caffeine, and what beverage is more potent than the thick deliciousness of vietnamese coffee, complete with a fat dose of sugary sugary condensed milk? mmm. we then spent some time perusing indigo's travel section, where we oohed and ahhed over pretty pictures and dreamed about a life without exams and work and hot water. oooooo. ahhhhhh. damn my life.
anyways, the caffeine hangover kicked in about an hour later and the store became a bit depressing, so onto beer! had a few drinks, a delicious indian dinner, then some mojitos, some hanging out, some bed. then a nice short nap, and then a rather abrasive phone call from some drunken hippies, then back to sleep. happy birthday me.
and now school has started, and the twenty-five-years-old-and-what-the-eff-am- i-doing-with-my-life doldrums have started too. goddammed expensive bloody mcgill. godamned pessimist me.
anyways, had a nice birthday. the weather was veritably balmy here; we walked all the way downtown and i even felt a bit overheated. weird. but anyways, matt and i wandered around and decided to stop at the National Film Board 'Cineroboteque', where you watch movies on a robot! well, sort of. but they have all the NFB films you could ever desire to see and you just scroll through and watch whatever yer heart desires. and it was free! (we watched a really good animated short - 'the danish poet', as well as a rather odd and creepy one called 'madame tutli-putli'). when we finally emerged from the belly of the robot we were itching for some caffeine, and what beverage is more potent than the thick deliciousness of vietnamese coffee, complete with a fat dose of sugary sugary condensed milk? mmm. we then spent some time perusing indigo's travel section, where we oohed and ahhed over pretty pictures and dreamed about a life without exams and work and hot water. oooooo. ahhhhhh. damn my life.
anyways, the caffeine hangover kicked in about an hour later and the store became a bit depressing, so onto beer! had a few drinks, a delicious indian dinner, then some mojitos, some hanging out, some bed. then a nice short nap, and then a rather abrasive phone call from some drunken hippies, then back to sleep. happy birthday me.
and now school has started, and the twenty-five-years-old-and-what-the-eff-am- i-doing-with-my-life doldrums have started too. goddammed expensive bloody mcgill. godamned pessimist me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)